Description
SEXPERIMENT
The Affair
February 05, 2012
Ed Young
Having an affair takes work. It takes creativity. It takes effort and energy. And the reality is that we all have affairs. The question is, who do we have an affair with?
In this message, Ed Young teaches us how God wants each husband and wife to have an affair…with their spouse. And he shows us how an exciting, energetic and enthusiastic affair with our spouse leads to a lasting legacy in our marriage.
Transcript
Today I want to talk to you about a subject that you need to know about. I want to talk to you about how to have an affair. How do you end up sleeping in the wrong bed. If you’re single you need to understand this information because 90% of you will get married and you need to know the finer points of sleeping in the wrong bed. If you’re married you’ve got to understand how to commit adultery. It’s very, very important because the pathway to promiscuity is a predictable one.
It seems crazy that you can officiate a wedding like I’ve done hundreds of times and see two starry-eyed lovers just soaking each other up. It’s hard to imagine that these people, as they leave the church after they’ve danced together and after they’ve honeymooned at some beautiful resort, and after they’ve started life together, it’s hard to imagine that one could end up sleeping with someone else. But it happens. It happens. It’s happening in record numbers. Men are committing adultery. Women are committing adultery. It’s popular to have an affair. How do you have an affair? If you want to know, here’s how you do it. It’s a four-step process.
Number 1, convince yourself that it will not happen to you. It’s very important. You get married, you say to yourself, “It’s not gonna happen to me. There’s no way. I’m impervious to this whole ordeal. I’m not going to have an affair. There is no way. Pipe dream! Not me.” You get married for a while, usually you crank out a couple of kids. The woman resigns from her #1 position, that of being a wife, and she becomes a mother. She chases the career and the kids.
Then you’ve got the father, resigning from being the husband, his #1 position, being a husband. It’s not being a father, it’s being a husband. He’s a father. Spends some time with the kids but he’s chasing the career. He retires his romantic jersey from the rafters in the family room.
“Hey! I wore that jersey when I romanced her.” Throw in an attractive coworker, neighbor, then after a while you call the lawyers up to pick up the pieces and you pay them squillions of dollars. That’s what happens. That’s the game. You gotta say, “You know, there’s no way I will commit adultery.” You’ve got to get very apathetic, very predictable, just relax. Just put it on autopilot. Concentrate on your feelings and the marital drift will take place. And that’s how it happens. The first step. You’ve got to convince yourself that it will not happen to you.
The second step, the second step is huge. You have to cultivate the relationship with the third party. There’s gonna be someone out there you’re gonna click with, someone of the opposite sex. It happens. I don’t care if you’ve been married for 30 years. It doesn’t matter if you’re a pastor, a coach, teacher, real estate. You’re gonna click with members of the opposite sex. It just happens. Well, what do you do with that? What happens when you click with someone? You begin to mess around, mentally. You begin to say, “Wow, this person understands me. This person relates to me. This person looks me in the eye when I talk to them. I like this person.” And you find yourself making up excuses to talk with this person, to walk by this person’s office, to go running when you know she’s outside, or to go to the gym when he’s there. You cultivate the relationship. You drop hints, subtle hints. You kinda test the waters.
“Hey man, if I were single…” And then you begin to cross the line. You begin to share stuff about your marriage.
“I wish my wife acted the way you act.”
“I wish my husband would understand me the way you do.” You share lunches together, you spend more and more time together. You basically stop really working on your marriage because you’re working on this relationship. You’re cultivating this relationship. That’s the second step.
You say, “It’s not gonna happen.” You convince yourself it’s not. It’s not gonna happen to me. It’s not gonna happen to me. It’s not gonna happen to me. Then you cultivate this relationship with another party.
Then, and it gets bad here, you begin to compare your spouse with this third party. You compare them physically, financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. You compared them. Compare, compare, it’s unfair to compare because you’re not comparing apples with apples. You’re comparing someone outside the covenant of marriage with someone in the covenant of marriage. You’re not comparing this person when they deal with life in the raw. You’re not comparing them when they’re worrying about mortgages and insurance and car payments and car pools. It’s unrealistic. They wear their cutest outfit to the gym, their best look at the office.
Or maybe you delve into porn. One of the insidious, one of the insidious aspects of porn is the fact that we animalize humans and humanize animals. We simply say, “You know what? You’re a dog in heat. I’m a dog in heat. Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls.” We compare our spouse to these images that are unending we see on the computer screen. Nobody can compare. These people you’re looking at, you’re lusting over for your sexual hit, these people are totally out of the context of any relationship. They’re just genitals, just bodies with parts. I can’t tell you how many marriages have been torn apart through pornography.
Again, if you want to have an affair, just have a steady diet of this stuff. You know, the trashy romance novels, and you talk to people.
Then the fourth step basically is you connect by having sex. You jump in the bed. Not this bed, because this bed is a big bed. This represents God. This represents God and his foundation and his love and his covenant. This is a big, honkin’ bed! This is not the kind of bed you sleep in when you commit adultery! When you commit adultery, when you have an affair… one second…. <Ed brings out the “little bed.”>
When you have an affair on your spouse you’re sleeping in a little bed. You’re sleeping in a <barking sound effect> doggie bed. You’re having little sex. Oh, you think it’s big sex but it’s little sex. It might start off big, but it’s gonna get very, very little. Little sex, little sex.
Now we’re not spawning salmon, right? We’re not dogs in heat so let me think. Do we have little sex or big sex? It’s your call. It’s my call. After we connect and sleep in the wrong bed, after we have sex, we’ve got to learn how to do something. This is critical. We’ve got to learn how to lie. We’ve got to lie. Because first of all, you’re living a lie. You’re betraying someone on the deepest level. So you lie to God, but how can we lie to God? God’s not like, “Wow, I didn’t know you were committing adultery! Thank you! I didn’t know you met this person at the hotel? I didn’t know you connected with this guy you used to date in high school on Facebook. I had no idea that you parked your car and you made love in the back seat! Thank you for telling me! I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were having an affair. Thank you very much!”
No, you gotta learn how to lie. You just lie to God. You lie to your spouse. You lie to yourself. You lie to your kids. You lie to your friends. You lie to your coworkers. You lie. I’m talkin’ about LIE!
John 8:44. You’ve heard of Rosetta Stone? The devil speaks Lie-ese. That’s his language. He’s a liar and the father of lies. He’s all about lying, twisting, exaggeration. You’ve gotta lie. You’ve gotta lie. Look at verse 44, the Bible says, “He (Satan) was a murder from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies he speaks his native language for he is a liar and the father of lies.” So we learn to lie.
Then we get together and we make a cocktail of compromise. We begin to hang out and rub shoulders with people that I call sinful sympathizers. See, when you sleep in the <barking sound effect> doggie bed, you begin to hang out and connect with other people who are sleeping or who have slept in the <barking sound effect> doggie bed, because they feel your pain. They understand and… we lie.
Over the years I’ve talked to I would say thousands of couples who have had an affair. Some wealthy, some dirt-poor, some middle class, black, white, orange, polka-dot, pink-collar, white-collar, every nationality, every group of people in my travels. I’ve talked to people who have had an affair. And here are the lies that they tell themselves and others. Again, if you’re gonna have an affair, you’ve GOT to tell these lies. Write these down, because if you do this, you will end up (generally speaking) falling in the four categories of lies.
#1 – I didn’t really love my spouse when I walked down the aisle. That’s a great lie. You know, when we got married 10 years ago at that chapel, I was forced into it! I knew I shouldn’t have done it. My parents made me do it. I mean, it was so expensive I couldn’t turn my back. I didn’t really mean it. I did not mean those words, man. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. You’ve got to say that. You said it. Before God and before witnesses you said it. You’re in covenant with your spouse but you see, you gotta lie, you gotta lie, you gotta lie.
#2 – Then you gotta treat the marriage like a contract, not a covenant. The word covenant in the Hebrew means to cut, to cut. So back in the Hebrew, back in the Biblical times, you know, God’s a God of covenant, right? We’re under a new covenant. The Old Testament is the old covenant. The New Testament is the new covenant, so if you would cut a covenant with one you’d take an animal, cut the animal up in pieces, and walk through the pieces of the animal. You were saying, “I’m totally committed to you, 100%. I’ve got your back. And if I disrespect the covenant, God, do to me what we’ve done to this animal.” But we live in a contract-crazy world, man. Gotta have contracts. You can’t do anything without a bunch of lawyers and contracts. Contracts, fine print, clauses, contracts, contracts, contracts. My marriage, you see it’s not a covenant. It’s just a piece of paper. Come on, it’s just a piece of paper. It’s a contract.
“She didn’t keep her end of the deal.”
“Well he, he didn’t really love me.” Contract. You got to lie to yourself, you have to. See, you’ve got to come up with a theology that’s totally jacked up.
The third lie, this one is a monster. One of the most popular lies out there if you’re gonna have an affair. Again, if you want to have an affair, I’ve told you how to do it and this is the third category of lies you’re gonna tell yourself. Here we go.
“God just wants me to be happy. Well my God just wants me to be happy.”
“Yeah, man, well I’m not really happy and I know God wants me to be happy.” I’m still looking for that verse in the Bible. “God wants Ed to be happy.” Happy, and peppy, and bursting with love, wow! That’s what God wants. He wants me to be happy!
That’s not in the Bible. God does not want you and me to be happy. He does not want you or me to be happy. He doesn’t! He wants us to be obedient. He wants us to be faithful. Feelings will follow. We have moments of happiness, I’m not saying that. But to sit there and say, “Well, I’m gonna sleep in this small bed because God just wants me to be happy.”
Yeah, you’ll have some happy times in the small bed. Sex outside of marriage is fun. It has its kicks, but as I always say, the kick-backs… woo-wah! Chuck Norris on steroids.
#4, here’s another great one. A great lie. I saved the last two lies. These are great. The fourth one. If I told you how many times I’ve heard this you wouldn’t even believe it.
“Well, yes, I slept in the small bed, but God will forgive me. God will forgive me.” Oh, so you’re being smart with God? You’re outsmarting God. “God will forgive me.” Yeah, he will. Duh. God will forgive you.
Illus: You know what I might do? I might just jump in my car right now and I might just burglarize the convenience store down the street. I could do it. Go in there, steal some stuff, steal some money. Tell them I’ve got a gun or a bomb, whatever. I could do that. I would get arrested, carted off to jail. They’d throw me in the cell. Boom-boom! Why did I do that? That was stupid. I just robbed the convenience store down the street! That’s crazy. “Oh Lord, forgive me! I’m sorry, God, please forgive me. I’m sorry I did it! Oh no, forgive me, forgive me!”
Question: Will God forgive me? Answer: Yes.
Question: Will I will be in prison? Answer: Yes.
God’s not gonna remove the consequences. Yeah, he will forgive you, forgive me. But try borrowing some pain from the future. Think about you having to face your God, your spouse, your kids, your friends, and tell them that you’ve been unfaithful.
T.S. Here’s the good news. We can press a button and <rewind sound effect> reverse the process. Do that sound effect with me. We can press a button <rewind sound effect> and reverse the process. Isn’t that amazing? Because the same steps it takes to have an affair with someone who’s not your spouse, are sort of the same steps that we can take to have an affair with our spouse in the context of marriage!
Did I hear somebody clap? Did you just get that? I will say it again. I don’t think you were listening up in this church. I said, the same steps that we take to commit adultery are the same steps <rewind sound effect> that we can take to have an affair in our marriage! That’s what I thought.
#1 – Because we’re reversing it. Convince yourself it CAN happen to you. You ever seen a deer drinking? Paranoid! Always looking, always watching. Now we shouldn’t be paranoid as spouses. We should, though, protect our marriage by saying, “It could happen to me.”
Has God ever called you and said, “Hey, that’s a woman after my own heart.” Has God ever said, “Oh, yeah, that’s a man after my own heart.” Has God ever called you that? He’s never called me that. He called David that. David committed adultery when he was at the top of his game. The Bible says he should have been out to war, kicking butt, but he was at home kicking back in his palace. If you know anything about architecture back in the day, the palace was the largest building. It had a flat roof. It overlooked all the other homes. David, what are you doing? You should have been out fighting!
David had a bodyguard named Uriah. He was married to a beautiful woman. I’m talking about a Biblical babe. Her name was Bathsheba. It was in the later afternoon. David knew that women bathed during that time. David knew that the cisterns caught the water and the water was warm with the afternoon sun. He knew where Bathsheba lived. If he had stayed in the middle of the rooftop kicking back, watching ESPN, enjoying his outdoor furniture and maybe smoking a Cuban cigar everything would have been A-OK. But no, no, no, no, no!
He walks to the edge and the ledge. You see, you can only see Bathsheba when you’re on the edge and the ledge. And the Bible says that David looked at her, saw her, but the first look was not what messed him up. He lusted after her, texted her. She met him in his bedroom, and they had sex. Then to top that off, a man after God’s own heart, David, had Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, his personal bodyguard, killed! A man after God’s own heart.
A year later, Nathan, the prophet of God, told David a story. David was a sheepherder when he was young and this story was about a little lamb who had been taken advantage of. As he told David this story, David said, “I tell you what should happen to that guy! That guy who messed around with that lamb should be killed!”
And Nathan said, “Hey David, you’re the man.”
Did God forgive David? No doubt. Did God cleanse David? No doubt. But the Bible said the sword never left his household. You want to read about consequences? Read about the tumultuous times of the life David led AFTER he slept in the <barking sound effect> doggie bed.
You don’t fall when you’re climbing the ladder. You fall when you’re on top of the ladder. How many people are walking right now on the edge and the ledge of compromise? How many women? How many single adults? How many wives? How many husbands? How many grandparents? How many uncles? How many aunts? How many people are walking on the edge and the ledge of compromise? You see, the devil has a strategy to take your marriage out and my marriage out. If you don’t believe it, you’re in Lala land. And if you’re a student and you’re like, man, this has nothing to do with me. I’m telling you, when you get married, oh yeah. His strategy works. It’s unbelievable! So we have to reverse <rewind sound effect> and cultivate this supernatural love with our spouse.
Now I’m not saying, and you know, that God’s not a forgiving God. I could tell you story after story after story of people who have messed around, who have slept in the <barking sound effect> doggie bed and they’ve turned to God. God has rebooted their marriage, restored their marriage. Unbelievable! Isn’t that cool? But I’m saying, don’t go down that road. Just don’t go down the road! Because I’ve talked to so many, many people!
Here’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to save you a boatload of pain. That’s all. A boatload of pain. It’s not worth it. And if you say, well man, I’m not sure. You can contact my office and discreetly I can give you I bet over 100 manes of people you could talk to who would go, “Don’t do it!” “Girl, don’t do it!”
Now I understand, some are saying, “Well there’s abuse in my marriage.” I understand that but that still does not give you the excuse to do that. I mean, yeah, if that’s happening you have a Biblical move, a Biblical grounds to separate and divorce if there’s something like that.
People always ask me, “What about the exceptions?” There are some exceptions, I understand that. But generally speaking, though, remember, to commit yourself to, you know what? It could happen.
Then, cultivate (here’s some good stuff), cultivate your marriage. Cultivate your marriage. Have an affair with your spouse! So, whenever Lisa and I feel like our marriage is drifting off course, and it does, read our book, The Sexperiment. I talk about it. She talks about it. What happens? You’re a pastor? Whatever. And your marriage starts drifting. It’ll drift. What do you do? Well, somebody, whether it be the husband or the wife, has got to grab the helm and correct the course, right? Now we’re sailing again, baby! Yeah! Yeah! So we’ve gotta be creative.
Let me stop for a second. This might mess some of you up but it’s so true. Everybody hearing my voice is a creative genius.
“Yeah, but I can’t sing. I can’t dance. I can’t act.” You’re a creative genius. Any time we say we’re not creative that’s throwing weak stuff up to God. God is laughing going, “What? You’re made in my image!” So, if you’re a husband or wife in marriage, just grab the helm and begin to get creative. Lisa and I get in a rut sometimes, in the prison cell of predictability. We do that sometimes. What do we do? OK, I’m gonna take the helm. She’s gonna take the helm. That’s the beauty of marriage. It’s awesome when it’s working right! It’s awesome.
I like what Galatians says. Galatians 6:8, you’ll see it behind me. It says, “The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” We’re not gonna get God’s best. That’s what it means. So God says, OK, I want you to have big sex in the big bed. It’s either big sex or little sex, and sometimes this is like a moment of like Nirvana for some. They’re like,
“What? You mean God wants me to have big sex in my life?” Yes! When we do it God’s way. So cultivate that relationship with your spouse. Date night, mate night. Once a week.
“I don’t have the money, Ed.” You can go to McDonalds. You can make some coffee, put it in a thermos and grab a rowboat and row around some little lake or the Everglades for those here who are watching in Florida. It’s not about money. It’s not about that! What do you do?
I also like the B-52 principle. Remember the B-52’s back in the day? “Our lips are sealed…” Remember that? I love that! Belinda Carlisle? Is that her name? That’s the Go-Gos! What did I say? They were a group, too. I’m sorry, I got them mixed up. I got my music mixed up! That’s terrible. How do I do that? I have a processing disorder, I know I do. I meant, I totally… I don’t know what I’m talking about now. Yeah, B-52’s! they were a band too, weren’t they? What did they sing? Love Shack! Yeah, that’s right. Thank you! What was? That’s horrendous! Anyway…
Here’s what I’m saying. Just forget that. We’ll edit that out. I get so excited sometimes.
What I’m saying is B-52’s. Lisa and I write about this and we’ve spoken about this a lot. If you’re married, or when you get married, B-52. Take a break, take a break at least, I would say two breaks, every 52 weeks. B-52. B-break. So in other words, you’ve got a year. You’re doing the date night, mate night, right? And then take breaks for just you and your spouse. You can go camping together for a night or two. Or you can go to some expensive resort. It doesn’t matter. You begin to do that because God’s a God of <beat-boxing>… rhythm.
You begin to do that and I’m telling you, you will begin to have an affair with your spouse. You don’t have to waste money, time, creativity, innovation. Don’t waste it in the small bed. Don’t do that. Just say, you know, I’m gonna get outta that and jump into that <big bed>. I am going to cultivate this relationship. Marriage takes work. I mean I’m just gonna tell you. So often it’s not the easiest thing, it’s the hardest thing. But it can become the greatest thing when you’re willing to work. Say it with me. Work. It’s worth your work.
Now, the third step in how to have an affair with your spouse. Compare your spouse. Not with somebody else (oh this is good, right here), compare your spouse with Christ’s relationship to the church. What’s the church? A bunch of moral foul-ups. That’s you, that’s me. Jesus loves us unconditionally, self-sacrificially. So I compare Lisa not to … no. To this connection with Jesus and the church. I know it’s tempting to compare your husband with… no, don’t do it! Compare him with Christ and the church. Because you’ve got forgiveness, you’ve got reconciliation, you’ve got love. Basically the Bible is a big, honkin’ love story. That’s what it is. It’s a love affair that God has with Man! Isn’t that cool? So, think about what God does. Man, you can even think about God in these things. Definitely!
But there’s one more. Connect with your spouse regularly. The Bible says that we should be intimate with our spouse regularly. What happens inside the bedroom affects what happens outside the bedroom. What happens outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom.
Here’s what’s weird about the little bed. When you get in the little bed and you know, when you have sex before marriage, here’s what’s weird about the little bed. Sex is about sex. Am I going too fast? Sex is about sex. The thrills and chills of sex. And sex in the little bed is good for a little while, it’s fun and all that. Yeah, sex is about sex before marriage. But, once you jump into the big bed the rules change. You’re like, “Somebody changed the rules, man! Before marriage sex was about sex (stay with me now)! Now I’m married and sex is about nonsexual stuff! The way I talk to my spouse, the way I relate to my spouse. The way I have eye contact with my spouse, the way I serve my spouse. Sex is about nonsexual stuff.” You see the genius of God. That’s why God does not say, when it comes to sex, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. He doesn’t say that. He says wait. He says do it my way. We connect regularly by having sex. We realize sex is about nonsexual stuff.
Illus: I got this email from a friend of mine and this guy’s name is Roger. And he’s not a believer. He’s a cool guy. I met him through fishing several years ago and he asked me what I did for a living. And I said,
“Roger, you won’t believe what I do for a living.” He goes,
“Yeah, yeah, try me.” I said,
“I’m a pastor.” He goes,
“You’re lying.” I said,
“No, man, I’m serious!” he goes,
“You’re not a pastor. You don’t look like one.” I said,
“What’s one supposed to look like?” So anyway he asked me about our church and everything and he said,
“Do you have any books or anything?” I said,
“Yeah, I’ve written a number of books, about a dozen books. My wife and I, Roger, are writing a book about sex, called The Sexperiment.” He was like,
“Man, send me one of those books!” He’s married with a family and all that. So I sent him one and he wrote me back this e-mail. This is classic and it really meant a lot to me. Kinda brought tears to my eyes, to be honest.
“Ed, Lisa, I read the book. It was excellent. The one that hit home the most was the chapter about the trust fund. I always had thought that my parents’ biggest gift to me is the way they’ve lived their marriage through good and bad times and how they’ve made it work. I’ve been trying to instill the same principles and give my kids the same gift my parents have given me. One of the things that really helped me was what you said about lust and not placing yourself in a position of weakness. I pressed that delete button over and over. Even last week on a flight to Las Vegas. I sat next to a very attractive woman and at the end of the flight she asked me if I wanted a ride to the hotel. It might have been just a friendly gesture but nonetheless I did not accept. Great job!
Congratulations, Roger
P.S. (and you have to know this guy to appreciate this. He’s very direct, I love him). Ed, the title is deceiving. (I love it!) The book has nothing to do with sex and all to do with the challenges of having a successful married life. Thanks!”
Roger is right. You see what I’m saying to you. The book, yeah it’s called The Sexperiment, it’s about having intimacy for seven days. I know that, blah-blah-blah. But, it’s about nonsexual stuff as well.
So, here’s the deal. God wants the best for every person’s life. No matter what you’ve done, no matter where you are, no matter how many times you failed, I failed, we’ve all messed up. We’re all sinners. I’m a sinner. You’re a sinner. Everybody’s a sin-sin-sinner. God’s love, and God’s design for our sexuality is bigger than anything we can throw at him. And I want to challenge you, married couples, to do it God’s way.
Singles, I just challenge you! Say, God, I want to do it your way. Students, I want to do it your way. Because God’s way works.
In the 1960’s, the sexual revolution took place. Now, a lot of the sexual revolution was not that great. Some of it was OK. I would argue that the sexual revolution was basically an illusion that has caused some worldwide pollution. God has come along and said, “You know what? I’ve got pure sex. I invented it. I thought it up. And you can have the solution to the pollution when you do it my way.” So let’s start a sexual revolution today. What do you say?
[Ed introduces Sexual Chocolate]