Description
SEX: GOD’S DESIGN, OUR DILEMMA
Sexual Healing
Ben Young
About a year and a half ago my wife and I purchased our first home. We’d been married almost nine years, and we thought it was time to take the big step to buy a house. So we found this quaint, little redbrick house off of I-10, and we bought the house and moved in and have enjoyed living there. One of the things that I liked most of all about this particular house was that it had a back room that was not connected to the house whatsoever. It was almost like a garage apartment; and it had a room, a closet, and a bathroom.
This house was built in the 1950s, and those of you who live in a home like that realize the limitations, as far as space is concerned. Houses built back then had teeny closets, and they don’t have much storage. And they had very small bathrooms. Our house is like this, so what we did was we used that backroom that was completely detached from the house as a storage area. There’s a bed back there and a desk. I thought it would be great when the in-laws come into town—they can stay in the backroom. Just kidding.
So different people have been back there before. We stored clothes back there and some keepsakes for our children, some stuffed animals and things that people had given to us as baby gifts. So we had the backroom as a storage room and as a guestroom.
Well, several months ago there was a person who was going to come and stay in the backroom for some period of time. So we said, “Hey, we’ve got to get that backroom in order! We’ve got to clean that thing up.” One problem that we’d noticed when we first moved in was that there’s a fireplace in this backroom, and when we tried to start a fire one time, it did not work. I guess there was something clogged in the chimney. So we called the chimney sweep and told him to come out here, and they said no problem. They zipped out there, twenty minutes later—bing, bang—they left.
The next day my wife goes into the backroom there, and she noticed that there was some kind of grayish/blackish dust—I think the official name for it is “soot”—and it was just covering the hearth there, and a little bit was on the floor. So she came back in the house, and she said, “Sweetheart, I want you to go back and look at the backroom. Something happened with the chimney sweep. Soot is covering the hearth there and some of the floor. I want you to check it out.” I said, “Okay, I will.”
And FYI, for those of you who are married and those who will be married at some point: When your wife wants you to do something or asks you to go check out the backroom or take out the trash, she means now, okay? I didn’t know that and wasn’t concerned; I should have after many years. And so I blew it off, and I waited a day, two days, three days, and I said: “I need to go check out the backroom and see what’s going on,” because it was getting closer and closer to the time for that person to live back there. So I go back into this room, and I can’t even describe to you adequately what I saw.
First of all, I walked up along the hearth, and I took my finger out and went whoosh, and my finger was literally jet black. Then I walked over to the bed there, and we had a white bedspread covering the bed. I went up to the bedspread and took my finger out and did it again, and I could write my name in the bedspread. I went over to the computer, I went over to the books in the bookshelf, and I went into the bathroom there, on the tile. And I discovered that as I walked around that room, as I began to touch all the objects, that that fine layer of soot—that blackish/gray substance that comes from smoke that came out of the chimney—had literally covered the entire room. I even looked into the wall (it was a white wall) and I could look into the cracks, and even in the cracks in the wall, even on the top of the windowsills, the whole room—the entire room—was covered in soot.
And some of the stuff there, I knew, was irreplaceable. It was all in the rug, it was all in the bedspread, it was in some of the keepsakes, it was on the computer, it was in the books, and it was on the clothes that we had stored back there. I wondered, “Is there any way we’re going to be able to get this room into shape? Is there any way we’re going to be able to restore the backroom back to its original condition?” It did untold damage.
I want to talk to you about your backroom. I know you’re saying, “Ben, what are you talking about? I live in an apartment; I don’t have a backroom.” Or, “I have a house with my parents; we don’t have a backroom.” I don’t want to talk to you about that backroom. I want to talk to you about that room, that place in your life that nobody knows about. I want to talk about that room in your heart, in your life, that’s completely detached from your house, just like my backroom. Your house—that’s who you are, that’s your image as a businessperson, as a husband, as a wife, as a student, as a Christian, as a church member—that’s your house. I’m talking about the backroom—the place where you go when you’re lonely; the place where you go when you want a sense of intimacy and connection; a place where you go to cover up and to try to heal the guilt that’s deep down in your soul. That’s the backroom I want to talk with you about tonight.
What’s in your backroom? Most of us have all kind of things in our backroom. We’ve been talking about sex and sexuality. And so many of us here tonight, if we had to be totally honest, would say, “Ben, if you could look into my backroom, here is what you would see…” Some would say, “In my backroom, there are sexual memories. There are things that happened in my past that I continue to play over and over and over and over in my mind, and I just can’t get it out.”
Perhaps there’s something else in your backroom tonight. Maybe there’s an ongoing sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse. Perhaps you’re having sex with your boyfriend; you’re having sex with your girlfriend. Maybe you’re having an adulterous affair that no one in your family knows about, and that’s what’s in your backroom. Maybe as you look in your backroom, there is a stack of videos, of pornography, of magazines. Perhaps in your backroom there is a computer screen, and that’s where you go to get a sense of intimacy, a sense of connection, a way to drown your loneliness and your fears. Maybe in your backroom there’s a homosexual lifestyle and actions that nobody knows about except you. What’s in your backroom, detached from your house, detached from your image and what people perceive you are?
As you look in your backroom, you’ll probably notice that fine layer of grayish-black soot; and it’s called shame, it’s called guilt. And that will cover not just things in your backroom, but pretty soon it will begin to infiltrate your entire house. And many of you here are wondering, “Is there any way I can get rid of the shame? Is there any way I can get rid of the guilt? Is there any way I can feel clean again? I’ve been stained. I’ve been going there so long. I’ve been doing this so long…can I be free? Can I be cleansed of the guilt, of the hurt, of the dirt? Is it possible?”
Do you know what your greatest temptation is going to be tonight? The greatest temptation you’re going to face tonight after the message is, to do this: Shhh! It’s to keep your backroom a secret. That’s the greatest temptation that all of us will face tonight—to keep that backroom in our life a secret, to keep silent about it.
I told you what happened to my backroom, didn’t I? My wife said to go check it out. I waited a day, two days, three days. There are many times, because this backroom is not attached to our house, that weeks will pass and I will never check out the backroom to see what’s going on there or try to clean it up. It just kind of stays there. It’s kind of out of sight, out of mind, right? I don’t want to go there.
It’s the same with the backrooms in our life, isn’t it? We have this image, we have this persona, and we have this relationship with others, perhaps a relationship with God. But then we have this backroom. I can remember a young lady I went to college with—a beautiful girl, a dynamic Christian girl. But we knew because of the person she was dating that she had a backroom, and he was sleeping with her; and people knew it, though it was really not spoken. And she kept that backroom private.
Your greatest temptation will be to keep silent—to keep your backroom a secret. That’s what David did, isn’t it? A man after God’s own heart. He was king of this great and powerful nation. Everybody else was out fighting the battle. Dave was up on the rooftop looking around, checking out women. He spots one over there—a beautiful lady taking a bath. What was David doing up there? Have you ever asked yourself that question?
I’m sure he went up there time and time again, and he played this little fantasy game in his mind about Bathsheba, and he started lusting. But do you know what David did? It was so stupid, and we do the same thing: He kept this backroom a secret. He had his little backroom, this little fantasy file, his little computer terminal, his little sites, his little movie, his magazine, his video—his little lust games—and he just kind of kept them silent. He didn’t tell anybody about his backroom until one day, what happened? He acted out on his fantasies. He called for her. He had sex with her. He got her pregnant. He killed her husband. And all kinds of negative consequences flowed out of David’s acting out of his sexual fantasies. Why? Because he kept his backroom a secret.
Did you hear the story about the woman in John chapter 8? She was having an adulterous relationship—she was having an affair. And, man, I’m sure that during her affair there were times that were exhilarating! I mean, the thrill of trying to find these places where “we can get together and have our little sexual liaison, and you cover from your spouse, and I’ll cover from my spouse.” Oh, I’m sure, that was a great passion and a very romantic and erotic relationship. That was her backroom. “Late at night, this big old house gets lonely. I guess every form of refuge has its price. It’ll be a good song some day (being funny; it is actually an Eagles song called “Lying Eyes”). You shouldn’t go there. She thought, “No one will find out about my backroom; it’s not going to happen. Read the story there later on in John Chapter 8. She was exposed. She was caught in the act of adultery. She was brought out into the town’s square in daylight, at dawn. And she was brought before the people there. The religious fun police caught her in the act of adultery. She was exposed.
What a price she paid because she kept the backroom of her life a secret.
“No one’s going to find out about it.” Do you see how dangerous it is to flirt with the temptation, to keep your backroom a secret? Do you see how dangerous it is? You will pay a huge price. You will pay a huge price if you ignore the backroom of your life. A tremendous price.
I don’t know what it’s going to take for some of us here to wake up. I really don’t. What is it going to take for you to wake up? Is it going to take your parents walking in on you? Is it going to take your spouse peeking on the phone line, seeing a letter? A piece of clothing? Realizing you’re cheating on her, then she bolts. Is that what it’s going to take for you to realize you’ve got to deal with your backroom? Is it going to take you missing a period—going down to the grocery story early one morning or in the middle of the night to get a pregnancy test, and it’s positive? Is that what it’s going to take for you to wake up? Is it going to take you going to a clinic to take a test for HIV and you pass with flying colors: you’re positive? Is that what it’s going to take? Listen, you’re going to pay a huge price if you do not deal with the backroom in your life. A huge price.
You see, we can’t afford to keep things secret. We can’t afford to do that. We can’t afford to have this separate life that’s annexed from who we think we really are and what we think we’re going to get away with. So what do we do? What are our options? What do we do about our backroom? I believe the only option that we have is to bring it into the light. The only option you have is to bring your backroom into the light.
Now, some of you are probably thinking, “Ben, I don’t have a backroom.” Great! That’s great. That’s wonderful, that’s marvelous. I got a letter from a young lady awhile back who had seen me on a TV show. And she’d heard about what I was talking about in relationships and sexuality, and she lives far away in another city. She wrote me this tragic letter of how she grew up in the church, and she was a virgin. And she’d been dating this guy for four years, and she kept her virginity—she’d remained pure. Then on her 20th birthday, she decided to have sex. When she did that, she thought she was going to marry the guy. Immediately, walls were put up in their relationship—communication broke down, and she broke up with him and had several other sexual liaisons. And she wrote to me and said, “Ben, after all that sex, I felt like a slut.” That’s what she said. She was wondering, “Can I get my purity back? Can I get my life back again?”
Listen, if you don’t have a backroom, that’s a beautiful thing, that’s a gift from God. Cherish, celebrate your holiness. Continue to walk in purity. But to those of us here who have a backroom, something that we’re dealing with and maybe we haven’t acted out on it yet, you’ve got to deal with your backroom. You’ve got to bring it into the light.
Now, when I looked at the backroom there in our house and the damage had been done, we had to take out a legal pad and start writing down all the damage that was done to every single article, every stitch of carpet, every piece of clothing, every computer…everything. We had to write out and assess the damage done by all this fine grayish-black dirty soot. And then you know we had to do? We had to pick up the phone and call the company and say, “Let me tell you what happened: The chimney sweep came over and twenty minutes later, he didn’t sweep our chimney, he trashed our entire backroom. We need some help cleaning it up.”
We had to call the insurance company. They eventually called different people. They called these disaster relief people, and they were unreal. I mean, these folks come after hurricanes and tornadoes and floods, and these cats can go when it comes to cleaning. They came in there with a crew; it was like something you’d see in some kind of movie—“Yeah, we can fix anything!”—and just cleaned up the place. It took them days of scrubbing and waxing the floor, and they repainted and did all this stuff. They took everything out of the room to renovate it, to make it new again, to clean it up. We had to bring our backroom into the light.
You have to bring your backroom into the light. You need to assess the damage done by this particular pattern in your life: What is it costing you emotionally to continue this relationship? What is costing you spiritually, psychologically to continue in this illicit behavior? What is it costing you, and what will it cost you if you don’t bring it into the light? How do you do that? How do you bring something into the light?
Well, you need to confess it to God, right? As if he didn’t know what’s going on, anyway. God knows. God’s not shocked when we confess something to him. And you confess it to God, but if you’re really going to bring something into the light, you know what you need to do? You need to tell someone else. You need to tell someone else about what’s going on in your backroom. You have to do it. James says, “Confess your sins not only to God, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you might be healed.”
Quite honestly, we have such little grasp of the presence of God in our life, it doesn’t do a lot of us a hill of beans worth of good to confess it to God, though we need to confess it to God. We’re still out of touch with His presence. We need to confess it to someone made in His image. Confess it to another person, face to face.
Now, one of Satan’s great strategies here is to whisper in your ear, “Are you crazy? Are you going to believe what that guy said up there tonight? Do you realize how good things are in the backroom? Do you realize how many needs are being met? Do you realize the pleasure he’s asking you to give up, if you deal with what’s going on in the backroom right now? Sure, there’s shame. Sure there’s guilt. Sure you’re afraid you’re going to be exposed and people are going to find out who you really are and what you really do, but come on!”
I mean, Satan’s going to use that against you. He’s going to say, “You can’t confess that to someone else. You can’t tell someone else what’s going on in your life. You can’t tell them about the backroom! After all, you’re the only person in this worship center that’s dealing with that.” Satan will use the dart of isolationism against you and against me to prevent us from confessing the junk that’s going on in the backrooms of our lives.
There’s power in confessing and coming clean with a brother in Christ, or a sister in Christ. Let me encourage you: Don’t confess or spill your junk and your garbage to someone of the opposite sex. Share that with someone of the same gender.
I can’t tell you…over the years of ministry, I’ve had people come into my office and people meet me at different places, and I’ve prayed with people at retreats after speaking, and so many times they have come and told me things that are going on in their backrooms—unbelievable stuff, from very minor sexual offenses to incredible perversion. But whenever they confessed it and they saw that I was not going to condemn them or reject them or hurl my big Bible across the room and hit them upside the head and say, “What are you thinking? You idiot!”—I didn’t do that, and I looked at them as a fallen creature, as I am a fallen creature—when they got that off their chest, I can’t tell you, it’s like someone had removed a thousand-pound weight off of their back.
And when I have had the ability to go to one of my trusted friends, one of my trusted mentors and counselors, and say, “This is what’s going on in my backroom. This is what I must confess to you,” to have them listen in a non-condemning way, and to have them pray for me, it was unbelievable!
You’ve got to bring your backroom into the light. Confessing it to God; confessing it to one another. It’s the only way you’re going to be cleansed of that fine layer of soot, of guilt and shame that covers the inside of your life. How can you get rid of the shame? How can you get rid of the guilt? How can you get rid of the dirt? You’ve got to tell someone. You’ve got to confess it to someone.
If you’ll bring it into the light, you also need to take this step. And this is going to be tremendously difficult for many of you. As a matter of fact, this entire process will be very painful for you. And there will be a process that you may bring that backroom of your life out into the light tonight—that you may confess it to someone, that you may confess it to God; it’s going to be a process. It took them days and days and days to clean up my backroom physically and literally. God will forgive you. He will cleanse you and accept you, but because of a pattern in your life, it may take you days and weeks and months. You’ve got to embrace that process of cleaning and cleansing, though in God’s eyes, you’re forgiven immediately. Sometimes it takes time for us to bring that offence, to bring that thing to the cross again.
Which leads me to the next step, and that is: You’ve got to invite Jesus into your backroom of your life. WWJD: What would Jesus do if you slowly opened the door to the backroom of your life and of your heart, and you asked him to come in? What would Jesus do? What would Jesus see? What would Jesus feel if he went into the backroom of your life and of my life? Good news for you here tonight: Do you realize that Jesus Christ specializes in men and women who have sin-covered backrooms, even sexually-stained backrooms?
Luke chapter 7 tells an incredible story about a young lady who was much like a dancer in a men’s club. She turned tricks—turned men on for a living. Maybe did a little bit of, well, not prostitution, but she was sleeping with guys who would provide for her. She did that on the side. But she heard that Jesus Christ was going to be at a particular Bible study in the city, and so she went to the Bible study—if you can imagine that. This dancer walks in, and, obviously, people know what she does for a living. She walks in and the religious people are, “Oh, Look at that! Can you believe she came to this group? The gall! The nerve!” She goes up to Jesus and just cries on the feet of Jesus. She just weeps, and she takes out some perfume and pours it on his feet. And she dries his feet with her hair.
The head religious dude of the Bible study, called Simon, said, “Do you see this? Obviously, this Jesus guy is not the real deal; he’s not the Messiah or he’d have known that this is a loose woman.” Jesus turned to the religious guy and said, “Let me tell you a story, Simon. Suppose there’s a moneylender, and two people owed him debts. One guy owed this moneylender $5,000; the other guy owed him $500. Let’s suppose the moneylender forgave both debts. Who do you would think would love this moneylender more?” And Simon said, “Well, I suppose it’s the person who was forgiven the greater debt.” Jesus said that he had answered correctly, and then he just rebuked this high and mighty, hyper-spiritual Bible study leader.
He said, “Listen, when I came into this room tonight, this Bible study, you didn’t greet me. You didn’t hug me. You didn’t kiss me. All this lady has done since I came to this place was to kiss my feet and to anoint my feet with perfume and to dry my feet with her hair. She has loved me.” And look at what He says: “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” Did you hear that? “Simon, you like me; this lady that you think is sinful loves me.”
That’s what Jesus is going to say to you if you come clean with him tonight—if you bring your backroom into the light. Don’t act like the religious person—that you don’t have any junk to deal with, you don’t have any stuff. Whether it’s sexual in nature or not, bring it into the light. Jesus said what? “Your sins are forgiven; your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” Isn’t that marvelous—to be able to hear Jesus say that to you tonight as you invite him in to the backroom of your life and as he looks at what’s going on, as you confess to God, “God, I know this is wrong. I’m embarrassed, I’m ashamed, God, and I know I have to deal with it. I know I have to tell someone. I know I have to invite you in”? And Jesus says, “Listen, though you’ve messed up many, many times, I cover you. I can cover you. And not only do I cover you, I will cleanse you, and I will make you whole.”
Do you remember the other story from John chapter 8 that I referenced earlier? The lady is called on adultery; she’s having an affair on her husband. She’s brought out at dawn in front of the entire town. The religious leaders said, “Jesus, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The moral Law of Moses said we should stone her. What do you say?” Jesus kneels down and starts doodling in the sand. And they start pressuring him, “Well, Jesus, what’s your answer?” Jesus says, “You here, you don’t have a backroom? You cast the first stone to kill her.” The Bible says they all left—the older ones left first. There were some young men who thought they were really spiritual in the crowd, hanging out a little bit saying, “I don’t have a backroom.”
What did Jesus say to her? John chapter 8—can you see it there? It’s just Jesus and this lady who was caught in the act of adultery alone. Mud and dirt has covered her body, tears streaming down her face. She’s caught in the fetal position. She looks up, and imagine that she locks eyes with the Son of God. She’s locking eyes with God incarnate. And He says, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”
That’s what He says to you tonight. If you’re willing to bring your backroom into light, that’s what He’ll say to you tonight. He will say, “Where are the people who can condemn you? I’m the only one! I’m the righteous judge. I am Jesus! I will judge the quick and the dead. I don’t condemn you. You’re forgiven—go now and sin no more. Leave behind your backroom. Leave behind your sexual past.”
Listen, from day one, “Therefore, whoever is in Christ, there is no condemnation.” If you’re in Jesus Christ, He was condemned so you don’t have to be. He was condemned on the cross so you don’t have to be condemned. He was condemned for all the junk that’s going on in your backroom, so you don’t have to be condemned for that. I John 1:9 says this: “If you confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins, and cleanse us of all unrighteousness [except sexual sin].”
Now, wait a minute. It doesn’t say that, does it? That’s what we do, don’t we? That’s what we believe. “Oh, I know God can cover this—He can cover the white lies, He can cover this minutia over here; He can cover this and that, lying, stealing, and cheating, and all these things of pride and arrogance and jealousy—but He can’t cover that.”
Or, “I know God forgives me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” If you think that or believe that, then you don’t believe that God has really forgiven. And if you believe that, what are you saying? Are you more spiritual than God? Are you going to tell God, “God, now, let me tell you what you can forgive and who you forgive and what actions are forgiven and what aren’t? See, I did this and this and this many, many times, and that can’t be forgiven, but this can?” Are you more righteous than God? That sounds humble; that’s not. That’s pride to say that you can commit a sin, that you have a backroom that’s so guilt-laden, it’s so stained with shame and dirt, that Jesus Christ and His blood cannot cleanse it?
When we confess our sins, we’re not only confessing and agreeing with God—“What I’m doing, what I’ve done in my backroom is wrong”—we’re also confessing, “What you have done for me through Jesus is sufficient to forgive and cover and cleanse me as well.”
Do you see it? We’re so messed up! We’re so tweaked, we’re so wicked and evil that it took the death of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, to deal with our guilt and shame and dirt. But also, that shows us that we were so valuable; we’re so valuable that God would send His Son to die in our place. Look at the price that God was willing to pay for you and for me, that we might be cleansed, that we might be forgiven.
If you’re scared of what’s going on in your life and you feel like you’ve confessed it to God, and then you still have guilt there…if you still feel dirty, there’s still guilt there. If you still are dealing with shame and a feeling of uneasiness, there’s still guilt there. If you’re still kicking yourself for what happened in the past, then there’s still guilt there, and you need to invite Jesus into the backroom of your life. You need to run to the cross and ask Him and thank Him for forgiving you and for cleansing you.
I know some of you are still protesting. I can hear your protest in your minds right now. You’re saying, “Ben, you just don’t understand where I’ve been, you don’t understand what I’ve done. The guilt and shame that I have experienced is overwhelming me. I have sinned so badly in the sexual area you would not believe. I have slept with so many people, I can’t even count. I’ve been addicted to this sexual activity for so long; you have no idea how long I’ve been addicted. You have no idea how long I’ve been afraid of dealing with the backroom. You have no idea the trauma I’ve experienced. You have no idea the abortions that I’ve had. You have no idea.”
Turn to the story in Luke 15 that Jesus tells about this guy who lived in this incredible mansion, but he wasn’t content with the father’s house. He wasn’t content with the father’s love, so he decided to leave and to build his own backroom. Do you remember the story? He went off and had this incredible backroom, these wild and crazy parties, he had all the money, all the cash, all the women, all the booze, all the drugs, all the fun you can have, until he ran out of stuff, and he sunk so low that he was actually working in a pigpen with mud and slop all over him. It was at that moment he realized the price he had paid for the backroom. And at that moment he turned and he went back home. The Bible says that the father, whom he had left, saw him from a long distance. The father ran to him. And when the father saw him, he was filled with compassion, and he ran and he hugged his son. He threw his arms around him, and he kissed his son saying, “My son who is dead is now alive!” He welcomed him back into his presence.
I don’t care where you’ve been, I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t care how muddy and how messy the pigpen is of the backroom in your life is you’ve been wallowing around in. I don’t care, God doesn’t care. You’re never too dirty, you’re never too guilt-laden that God through Jesus Christ does not love you and cannot forgive you through His Son’s life, death and resurrection. Jesus came to save and to salvage and to restore sinners! That’s you and that’s me! Don’t wait, okay? Don’t wait until it’s too late. Don’t wait until you get that phone call. Don’t wait until you receive that letter. Don’t wait until someone sees that phone bill. Don’t wait until they walk in. Don’t wait until it’s too late to bring your backroom into the light. Don’t wait!
Choice. We all have a choice to make tonight. You have a choice to make. I have a choice to make. We can either keep our backroom secret, right? “Can’t tell anybody about it; I’m going to keep it secret. I can continue this charade, I can continue the game.” And if you do that, you’ll pay an incredible price. You can continue to wallow in the guilt, wallow in the shame, and wallow in the soot and all the mud. You continue to do that, or you can realize tonight and for the rest of your life that Jesus Christ died for what goes on in the backroom of your life. The choice is yours. Don’t wait. Don’t wait. Don’t keep it secret. Bring it to the light. Allow God to begin the cleansing and the healing process in your life.
[Ben leads in a closing prayer.]