Description
RELATIONSHIPS.PASSION.MARRIAGE
Just Down the Road
February 5-6, 2011
Ed Young
How do you guys like it? I love this color, don’t you? Unbelievable. I hate to get out of it but…
What’s up? You know, I will just stay in here for a second. You know, recently I was going online and I noticed that half of the marriages don’t make it. That’s right, 50% of first-time marriages end up in the deep weeds. Furthermore, 67% of second-time marriages don’t make it, 74% of third-time marriages don’t make it. So obviously, we’re not doing a great job at spouse selection. That’s obvious, right?
I’ve been talking about relationships because the Bible is a book about relationships. I don’t know if you have ever received a recall notification letter before. I have, and it was kind of scary. I got this letter and it said, “Your truck has a defective part.” So I quickly took the truck to the dealership, got the part fixed, and was on my way. Now, had I not done that I could have endangered myself and others because I had a defective part on my truck. You’d be crazy not to fix a defective part.
I think against the backdrop of the stats I just shared with you there is a lot of defective dating going on, wouldn’t you agree? Just nod your head. At all the campuses nod your head.
Yeah, there’s a lot of defective dating going on and I believe that the Bible is a recall notification. The Bible wants to reupholster, repaint, and redo our lives. God wants us to understand this beautiful decision called “Spouse selection.”
Marriage is the only human relationship that is analogous to God’s relationship with his people. That’s how big this thing is. Dating is about marriage. No matter how casual you’re talking to someone or going out with someone you’re thinking she could be the one… he could be it. Right? Dating is about marriage. Marriage, though, is about dating.
Some of you here are single, in fact a lot of you here are single. If you’re single clap for me. All the singles, clap. That’s right, we’ve got a lot of singles. Some of you are students, some of you are single adults, some of you are single parents, and some of you are in the throes of a divorce. Some of you are fresh out of a divorce. Some of you are fresh off the divorce. You’re thinking about entering the dating scene again, “How do I do it right?”
So, amidst the backdrop of all of the websites and all of the personality profiles and the self-help books, amidst all of that we have God. God telling you and me how to date, and ultimately mate. God thought it up. It was his design, it was his pattern, and let’s do it God’s way. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve never done it God’s way before.
I want to challenge you, I want to get up in your grill and get you to try it his way. Because God’s way works. All of us potentially are a Rolls Royce. And our Lord wants us to have Rolls Royce relationships.
Well how do we have a Rolls Royce relationship? How do we discover that we are a Rolls Royce. In fact, just turn to your neighbor and say, “Neighbor, I did not realize I was sitting next to a Rolls.” How do we discover the essence of who we are? How do we discover that we’re a Rolls?
Simply put, let me unpack it this way. The number one, dumb, what-was-I-thinking move that defective daters make is they fail to look and to see who’s driving the car. It sounds so simple, so elementary. They fail to look and to see who’s behind the wheel .You might be going, “Ed, wait a minute, dude. I’m behind the wheel. I’m driving the car. I’m running the show. I’ve got my foot on the gas.” Yeah, that’s fine and dandy but how’s it working for you? How’s it working for you? You’ll never discover the destiny that God has for you if you are driving. You’re not made to drive, I’m not made to drive. Read the owner’s manual. Guess who’s made to drive? The Lord Jesus. Defective daters don’t look and see who’s behind the wheel. Because the Bible says that we’re to date and ultimately mate with believers.
Followers of Christ have done this. They’ve given the keys of their lives to Jesus. He’s behind the wheel. He’s driving, and then we quickly ride shotgun. Even if you have to ask the question whether this person is a believer or not, probably they aren’t. Because Rolls Royces don’t advertise. I mean, when do you see a Rolls Royce commercial? Now and then, but not a lot. Defective daters fail to see who’s driving the car.
What am I getting at? I’m getting at driving under the influence. The Bible says in Ephesians 5: 18, “Don’t get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.” Literally, drunk with the Holy Spirit. Intoxicated with the Holy Spirit. When Jesus is driving and we’re sitting at the copilot seat, we’re riding shotgun, we’re driving under the influence of the Spirit of God. This car right here is a Rolls Royce Ghost. We should be intoxicated by the Holy Ghost as Jesus takes us places we never dreamed possible. That’s how you discover if you’re a Rolls and that’s how you discover if you’re dating a Rolls. You’ve got to have Christ driving, because he made and invented relationships.
Here’s the second dumb move that defective daters make. The showroom floor mentality. I talked about it a little bit during our last session. The showroom mentality is when someone focuses on just a few features (whoa!…), but misses the essence of the entire automobile. Surely that doesn’t happen in this area! Surely that’s never happened in your life. Surely not. The showroom floor mentality.
Talk to anybody in the car ‘bin-ness’… that’s right the car ‘bin-ness.” They’ll talk about the 48-hour principle. Cars are presented in dealerships very sleek and seductive ways. The lights, and they’re polished, and they’re waxed, and the music, and you walk in and they hand you a bottle of water or coffee. These people know if you’re in the car buying mood that there’s a great chance that you drive out of the dealership in 48 hours if you focus on just a few features of the car. They know if you can get you into Cubeville and go to the manager and come back and the manager and come back, 48 easy payments; and you’re so mesmerized by a few features you’re not thinking about the insurance, and the fuel, and the maintenance, and the depreciation, and the car seats, and the kids, and all of a sudden you’re driving off the lot and you’re like, “What have I done?!?!” The showroom floor mentality. It’s real.
1 Samuel 16:7, “The Lord does not see things the way you see them. People judge by the outward appearance,” on just a few features, “but the Lord looks at the heart.”
If we’re driving under the influence of Jesus, if we’re intoxicated by the Spirit of God, he will give us the discernment, he will give us the knowledge to look past a few features and to see the essence of the automobile.
About this time some of you are going, “Ed, dude, I married a lemon! What in the heck am I supposed to do?” Just wait. We’ll discuss that.
“I did this all wrong! I’m hooked up with this person in marriage and man, I am defective!” Just wait, be patient. I’m telling you, it’s gonna be a great, great day today.
Illus: One day a friend of mine was going out of town and he dropped off his Ferrari. Brand new! He said, “Ed, drive it.” I’d never driven a Ferrari before so I thought, yeah, it’s cool! I was excited, man! The kids were begging me to take them to school.
“Dad, please, please, please!” They made me drive around the campus like three to four times before I dropped them off. For a few days it was great driving the Ferrari. But after a while, to be honest with you, I’m tall and I’m kinda molding myself in that car. I had to slow down to go into my driveway. I kinda scraped bottom with that car. I couldn’t get my stuff, my gear in there, my workout stuff and friends.
And really, I know this sounds crazy. I mean, I admire Ferraris, I think they’re cool and all that. But they just don’t do it for me. The shine wore off the Ferrari after three to four days, that’s what I’m saying. The Ferrari! Very expensive car, brand new car!
You better date someone long enough for the shine to wear off. You better date somebody long enough so you can see the door dings and you can see the imperfections of the car. Because no car, no car is perfect.
There are two types of love mentioned in the Bible. This is crucial for you to get this, please hear me! One is eros. We get the word erotic from it. That’s the chemical stuff, and that’s good. We should focus on the features, that’s part of who we are. And one of the problems in the church is we’re not sensual enough. Christians aren’t sexy enough… within the context of marriage. Alright? God invented sex. If we base a dating relationship on eros, on the erotic, on the chemical, on the vroom-vroom, there’s a great chance we’ll marry the wrong person.
There’s another type of love mentioned in the Bible, called agape. Agape is commitment love, unconditional love. You’ve got to date the person long enough for the shine to wear off. Erotic love (or lust) will last 6-9 months. You’ve got to date the person long enough for that to wear off so you can see if it’s the real deal or not. If it is unconditional, covenant, commitment-based love. Because I don’t care what he person looks like, how much money they have, this or that or whatever, after a while the shine will wear off.
You see the genius of God, don’t you? That’s why God says “Don’t jump in the back seat and make love prior to marriage!” Because if you do, you’ll fog up the windshield and you’ll not know where in the heck you’re going! You won’t know where you’re going! You fall in lust, not love. You put the car before the horse. It’s all about eros, and agape is just gone. And this happens time and time and time again.
You see the genius of God? You see the brilliance of God? You see why God wants us to have a Rolls Royce relationship? You’ve got to be attracted, you’ve got to have the chemicals, you’ve gotta have that! But wait for that. Wait to make love until after you have walked down the wedding runner. Because dating is what you do and don’t do before you say “I do” and that influences what you do and don’t do after you say “I do.” The showroom floor mentality. Focusing on a few features and missing the essence of what it’s all about.
<oink-oink> I hear a pig? Do you? I can’t believe it! V12 (engine). Somebody call somebody. <oink-oink> Proverbs 11:22, “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”
What if you drove a Rolls around with the hood up and the doors open, just advertising everything? Ladies… <oink-oink> just advertising it all! Because what you advertise is what you will attract.
So if guys are following you around, “Whoa, man! She’s got the hood open, the doors are open!” You want to hook up with someone like that? You want to marry someone like that?!
But in our world today, what’s the big phrase for women? “Sexy!” Everything is sexy. Sexy hair stuff, sexy jewelry, sexy shopping, sexy shoes, sexy car, and I want to go on a sexy vacation, and that perfume is so sexy.
The Bible is all for being sexy within marriage. God is not telling us, especially women, to wear burlap sacks. We’re to be fashionable and all that. Where do faith and fashion collide? Well, I don’t know. You know, though, before God. God has given you discernment, he’s given you wisdom, you’re driving under the influence, you’re intoxicated by the Holy Spirit of God. God will show you. Other people in your lives will show you. The Bible says we’re to dress modestly.
So, ladies, it’s time to close the hood! It’s time to close the doors! Because what you advertise is what you’ll attract! And you have no idea (some of you do) but most of you have no idea what that does to men. You don’t want people following you around just because you’re dressed that way.
“Well, Ed, man I married a lemon. You’ve not addressed me! I married a lemon!” I know this sounds corny but here’s what Joel Osteen would say, “Make lemonade. Amen?”
Well, I’m serious about that. I love Joel. I’m serious about that, because maybe you started off totally wrong. You’re like, “Man, Ed, I’m the poster child of defective dating. I’ve ignored this recall notification. I mean I’m doing it all wrong, brother.”
I understand that. Even if you started off wrong, even if you’re married and you’re like, “What?!” You might be going, “Dang, I messed up.” Even if you’re married, maybe you started off all wrong, you can end right when you do it God’s way.
Now, something else, you see the genius of God? God wants you to marry a classic. A Rolls Royce is a classic. When you married him he had a six-pack. now a spare tire. When you married her maybe everything was smooth, now you’ve got some hail damage. That’s OK! Let’s just talk! Let’s keep it real! We only look our best for about five years anyway, let’s just be honest! So make sure to go in for a 30,000 mile checkup or a 50,000 mile checkup. Repaint it, reupholster, maybe a lift kit, I don’t know. You do the best with what God has given you!
That’s why you’ve got to marry a classic, a Rolls Royce Jesus has to drive. Dating is about dating, marriage is about dating. What you use to get her is what you use to keep her. What you use to get him is what you use to keep him. You’ve got to allow the chemicals to subside and it’s about commitment.
Here’s something else about the showroom floor mentality. One day you’re gonna be driving along, and this is gonna happen. I bet you money (even though I don’t bet), I will bet you money this’ll happen. You watch. You’re driving along and the kids are in the back seat of your Rolls. They’re just sitting there. And they could be any age, but usually in their teens. So they’re sitting there and they’ll ask this question. Maybe you’re a single parent, maybe you’ve got mom and dad there. They’ll go, “Hey, how do you know if you’re in love?”
That question is coming, parents. What do you do? Well, you’ll be right here and you’ll be like, “Say that again honey.”
“How do you know that you’re in love?”
“Honey, what would you say?”
(feminine voice) “Well, you just know.”
Now surely our answer will not be that dumb. That’s where, parents, grandparents, friends, we say, “Let me explain to you what the Bible says about eros, which is God-given, and agape. Let me explain to you about the importance of dating, about Jesus driving and not getting caught up in the showroom mentality. Let me tell you what it means. You’ve got to date the person long enough for the shine to wear off to know if this person is right for you.
Which leads us to another defective dating habit. One more. I could go on, I could diesel on. Defective daters (and this is so simple and basic some of us forget to do this), I would say that Lisa and I sort of messed up on this one. Defective daters forget to look for the junk in the trunk. They forget to pop the trunk and look inside the trunk. That girl you’re dating who’s so hot is really Louis Vuitton Linda. She’s got some serious baggage. Does she have some baggage, and some of the baggage ain’t too pretty!
That guy you’re dating, who’s got it together. He may have a spare tire but he’s rich, and that makes up for a lot, doesn’t it, ladies. He’s really Gary Gucci. He’s got so much baggage you wouldn’t believe it. Everyone’s got baggage. I’ve got baggage, you’ve got baggage, everyone’s got baggage. When you’re dating, you better look and check each other’s baggage. Put it out on the table and go through the contents.
The first bag that we need to check out is the family bag. This isn’t dating. The family or origin wields the most power in all of our lives. It’s where we formulated our self-esteem, our values, our character, our communication. Have you gone through those contents? You see if you jump in the back seat and the windows fog you’ll never have these conversations. And one day you’ll wake up after eros has eroded and you’re like, “What have I done??! What have I done?!” The family person. Is this person from a divorced home? Did this person have an overbearing mom or dad? I mean, none of us grew up in perfect families. Our parents did the best with what they had but we’ve got to talk about these things.
We have to look at another bag. The temperament bag. I like the word temperament. Temper. You better look at the temperament bag. Go through the contents of the temperament bag. How are they wired?
“Man, I love her so much because she’s so spontaneous! I just don’t know what she’s gonna say and I just love that about her! It’s just awesome! I really, really do! She’s just off the cuff and fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!”
Well, that thing that so attracted you to her can drive you crazy once you’re married! You can go, yeah, I’m still attracted to it but it makes me nuts! Because I don’t know what she’ll say, what she’ll do, what she’ll spend. AAAAhhh!!!!
“Oh I love him because he’s so organized and orderly. He really, really is, and I think it’s great that he knows where he’s going. A-B-C-1-2-3, chop-chop! He’s got it together!” But that thing that attracted you to him, he was so orderly, now makes you crazy. “Where’s the romance? You have to schedule romance? We have to make love 2.3 times per week? Come on! Where’s some creativity?!” That’s it, man. You better get this stuff out there!
How they handle conflict. Whoa! Every marriage has conflict. Every marriage goes through the same situations. Every marriage faces the same issues. How do they handle conflict? Maybe they handle conflict Haagen-Dazs style….
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“Nothing.” Justice you out!
Maybe you handle conflict terrorist-style…. Boom! What happened?!
Maybe you handle it Tupperware style. You’ll take it and put it in Tupperware, put it in the back of the fridge, and two months later,
“Oh, I’m hungry. Look at that!.” Whoa! Phew!
All conflict … all conflict… is based on PMS! Power, money, and sex. Man, where are your minds today?
Power. Is he an umbrella fella? Is she the princess of the parasol? Authority issues is one of the biggest reasons for marital mayhem. Authority issues. We’re all under the authority of God. It’s a good thing. And this umbrella is super expensive. It will even retard acid rain. When we have authority issues we poke holes in the umbrella with sin and it can mess us up.
Guys, God has given us the leadership responsibility. That means what? We’re to dominate our wives? No! It means we’re to love our wife like Christ loved the church. How did he love the church? Selflessly, sacrificially, unconditionally. Agape. That was his play, man. So we should lead.
Ladies, in areas where you’re gifted, if the guy is smart, he’s gonna defer to you. If he first loves you unconditionally and takes that initiative you’ll have no problem loving him back as you’re under the authority of God. Power issues.
See, it’s like my kids back in the day. Man, they would fight over shotgun! I mean they would get in fist fights. One time I looked out and our kids were just throwing punches trying to get in that shotgun position. We’re always fighting for that position. And guys, we have a tendency to dominate, ladies a tendency to manipulate. We’re equal in form, unique in function.
Money. Maybe he’s a free-spender, maybe you’re conservative. Or maybe you like to spend and he’s super, super, cross-the-t’s-and-dot-the-I’s and all that. How about tithing? “Well, it’s my money!” Oh really?
How about sex? You’re revved up. Vroom-vroom! The other <sound effect>… what do you do? The Bible says, “Stop depriving one another except for a time of prayer.” And you have to agree upon that, both of you, if you’re gonna not have sex. That text is saying we should fulfill one another’s desires regularly. It’s OK to say no, but no with an appointment. If we’re keeping our spouse on a sexual diet we’ll have more of a struggle when we’re praying because we’re thinking about sex when we’re praying!
“Lord, I’m trying to pray but I’m thinking about sex, and I haven’t had sex with my spouse in so long…” If you’ve having sex regularly you can hear from God in a deeper way. I’m telling you. God’s the author of it. He thought it up. Wait until marriage! God doesn’t say don’t do it, he says wait and then do it once you say “I do.”
Power, money, and sex. But to face PMS we have to have PMA…. A positive mental attitude. We do, and that comes from God. And that comes from giving control of our lives to Jesus. That comes from allowing him to drive the Rolls.
But I’ve got another one. There’s another defective dating habit that I see out there. And this is crazy and I would like to continue, but that will be next week. This is huge. What happens when the dashboard lights up? What happens with these warnings and these buzzers?
Because you know the Ferrari I was talking about? The Ferrari that my friend let me use? The last couple of days I had the Ferrari the dashboard was like a Christmas tree. And I was freaking out! I was like, “Man, this is a brand new Ferrari! What am I gonna tell the guy?” And I finally said,
“Hey man, there’s some serious dashboard lights on the car. The car is not running right.” And he took the car to the Ferrari dealership and I will tell you what they said about me driving the car next week.
But again, what do you do when you see the warning lights? What do you do? There are some warning lights right now and you’re like, OK, do I ignore them? Do I kinda look at them and go, “Whoa, those are huge!” That’s next time.
R-P-M. Relationship. Passion. Marriage. Invite your friends and neighbors and countrymen next week. I’ll be here. I know you’ll be here. Let me thank you for being here today.
[Ed leads in closing prayer.]