Description
F is for Family : Part 5
Ping Pong Principles Of Relationships And Marriage
March 01, 2020, 11:30am
Ed and Lisa Young
Ed Young:
If you just bear with us, we’re going to play a little bit of a ping-pong. That’s okay. You can leave the ball there.
I was in a suburban shopping center recently, saw all these different couples holding hands, some were sipping lattes, some were just kind of looking into each other’s eyes. Behind though, Lisa, the smoke and the mirrors, behind the cool outfits, I knew what was going on. They were playing relational ping-pong. Most were married so I would say they were playing marital ping-pong and basically, they were dealing with four issues. The big four that every relationship deals with; Control issues, children, sex, and work. It’s that basic. It’s that simple. They were going back and forth relational ping pong.
Lisa Young:
This relationship we call marriage is a big deal. It’s not just a game, its something way bigger. If you think about marriages, the goal of marriage is for both of us to be winners in our relationship. It’s not about just hitting it back and forth and keeping it going. That’s great, but it’s about a bigger purpose. It’s about honoring God. Very few people when they approach the wedding runner, they’ve made all the plans and the flowers are ordered, the caterer is secure and you have this big day. That’s awesome. But we need to think beyond the big day to the big experience of honoring God in the totality of what our marriage is all about.
Ed Young:
Because Lisa, we need information. We need knowledge as we date and as we began this relationship.
Lisa Young:
Yeah, too many people don’t get information prior to the wedding runner or they focus on things that are not really that important when it comes to the long-term goal of the relationship.
Ed Young:
I was watching YouTube, last night in fact, and I was watching these videos, this one former world champion was talking about how to improve your table tennis or your ping-pong skills, and he was saying that too many times we want to use our wrists, our arms. He said that’s part of the game, but he said the real game is using your entire body. It’s using your legs. Then he began to go through this regimen of all of these players and how much they know about the game of ping-pong, the history, and then how much they practice.
Ed Young:
And I quickly thought about our topic because Lis, let’s face it, when it comes to conflict in relationships and it always gets very quiet when you talk about conflict in relationships, we all have conflict. Lisa and I have conflict. We had conflict on the way to church this morning, we’ll tell you about. When it comes to conflict, we get very, very quiet. If I was single or if I was a student, I would pay attention to this talk like I’ve never paid attention to anything because you need the information, you’d be well-equipped before you get married. And that’s just the way it works. So, I thought about Lisa, when it comes to relationships, we would both do a talk. We’ve never done this before called ping-pong principles of relationships and marriage. It’s kind of a long title but I like it.
Lisa Young:
It’s not, it’s not easy for me to play ping pong well under any circumstances, but to talk and play in front of people is even harder. But I’m going to try-
Ed Young:
The first thing when it comes to relational ping pong is it begins…
Lisa Young:
Y’all don’t know how happy that makes … No, I’m serious. I didn’t mean that. From a non-marriage perspective, that makes me happy. From a marriage perspective, I’m totally heartbroken for Ed right now.
Ed Young:
It Begins With A Serve. You’ve got to serve.
Lisa Young:
Okay.
Ed Young:
And you have to have a great serve … Just like that.
Lisa Young:
See I shouldn’t have gloated.
Ed Young:
To win at ping pong or to be a good ping pong player.
Lisa Young:
I’m not a good server or returner.
Ed Young:
Be a great servant, If we’re going to find the right person.
Lisa Young:
For all of you who are dating or in a relationship, you’re single, you’re looking for that one. Let me just tell you, people come up to Ed and I and they’ll say, how do I know if they’re the one? Let me be the number one benchmark of that potential spouse. They serve God. Period.
Ed Young:
Now that’s not the first thing that attracted me to Lisa, the first thing was wow, wow. Then I saw her, and I saw that she served God.
Lisa Young:
You can’t let the wow, wow in the way of the do they serve God.
Ed Young:
You have to have chemistry.
Lisa Young:
You have to have chemistry. But chemistry is not as important as serving God.
Ed Young:
No question.
Lisa Young:
And that’s a huge fact. So-
Ed Young:
And I saw that in your life. If you’re dating somebody, Lisa, and you’re like, well I’m not sure if he’s a believer. I’m not sure if she’s a follower of Christ. If you’re not sure-
Lisa Young:
Yeah, it’s going to be obvious.
Ed Young:
… go to another ping pong table, play ping pong with someone else and get out of life is too short to be in the ping and the pong with the wrong person.
Lisa Young:
That’s right. That’s right. So that’s the number one attribute. Make sure they’re serving God in His house. This is a church. It’s not just a building. This is the body of Christ. And this is where we go so wrong when thinking about marriage, because it’s easy to play house. It’s easy just to have a live-in partner and all of those things. We’re talking about something way deeper and-
Ed Young:
Because when you’re living with someone, you get the benefits without the commitment.
Lisa Young:
Well, and I would say that when you’re living with someone, you’re just saying, guess what? I’m not ready for the commitment and I don’t want to make a covenant before God. When you’re doing that, you’re shying away from this beautiful thing called marriage. So, I would just say to you, when you’re looking for potential spouse, you’ve got to look for someone who serves in the house. This is the bride of Christ. This relationship called marriage is analogous to the relationship that God has with his children. It’s the second most important relationship that you will have. And everything that we do in our marriages is to honor God through this relation.
Ed Young:
Well, think about what Jesus said. “If you want to become great,” told his disciples this and tells us this. “Become a servant.” (Matthew 20:26)
Lisa Young:
And if your potential spouse is not serving God, they will not serve you the way God intended them to serve.
Ed Young:
That’s why people say to me sometimes, well, he just has a little drinking problem. I’m like, girl, when you get married, it’s going to become bigger. Well, she just has a little problem with insecurity or overspending. You get married, that expands exponentially. In marriage, here’s what’s so crazy about marriage. God is so good. Marriage forces us to serve.
Lisa Young:
Yes, it forces us out of our unselfishness. I’m keeping Ed in mind. Ed’s keeping me in mind and how we live. There’s not anything that I do during the day that I don’t put through a filter of how it affects Ed. Because I’m trying to live unselfishly and he’s the same way with me.
Ed Young:
I try to do that.
Lisa Young:
We both try. Not perfectly.
Ed Young:
I fail many times.
Lisa Young:
I fail too, but it’s a natural thing. It’s our human thing to think about ourselves in ourselves alone, but marriage forces us to think about the other person. People will always say, kids make you unselfish. Well, you’ve missed it because kids do make us force us to be unselfish but marriage should first force us to be unselfish. I am unselfish for Ed. I serve God and I serve my spouse. Let’s go to number two.
Ed Young:
Also, this second one is something that when we say it, because marriage issues, the things we’re talking about, they’re not some big overarching issue. Oh, let me turn this steamship. No, no, no. Usually it’s the small stuff. I like to say small tweaks. Take your relationship to giant peaks. Number two, Keep Kindness In Play. The Ephesians 4:32. I’ll recite this while I’m playing ping pong. Uh oh, she won that point. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ed Young:
So, I need to forgive Lisa for embarrassing me onstage. For just shaming me as she put that spin on the ball.
Lisa Young:
I cannot put spin on a ball. There’s not even going to happen, but Ed’s dad gave us this verse when we at our wedding ceremony and we’ve shared it with so many, and it should be your life’s passionate verse, your verse for your family. Because when we think about the kindness, the gentleness that God has offered us, then we in turn should reflect that in our relationship with our spouse, our relationship with our children and our relationship with others.
Ed Young:
I was on the phone the other day and I was so nice. Hey, how you doing, what’s up, man? And then hung the phone up. Now, Lisa, wait a minute. You should have, and I’m being, I’m being more polite, more mannerly to this guy that I was talking to you on the phone, than I was-
Lisa Young:
Yeah, and there’ve been times where I look at something that maybe Ed did and I’m going to react and be a little bit more candid.
Ed Young:
Tell about the coffee mug and the new floors, because we got new floors.
Lisa Young:
Candid is a nice way to say it, isn’t it? I was just kidding.
Ed Young:
I have no secrets guys, no secrets.
Lisa Young:
We have hardwood floors and I have this almost like an extra sense about I can spot spots on the floor. If Ed has dripped anything, anything being coffee, because he drinks several cups a day and he works in his office and he’ll go back and forth from the kitchen. I need to just put a coffee maker in his office, that would be the solution to all things. I’m like, “You know honey…”, this is what I’m thinking, “You don’t have to fill the cup so full, that might be a start. And secondly, pay attention when you’re walking from here to there. That would be another candid suggestion.”
Ed Young:
You might say something like, “Honey, there’s coffee on the floor. You’re not blah blah blah.”
Lisa Young:
See I think those nice things in my… well no, they’re not always nice in my head, but I would just say, “Ed, can you please just go from here to there without spilling coffee?” But if someone were a guest in our home. Which has happened before and they walk maybe from the kitchen to the sofa in the den and they spill coffee.
Ed Young:
And break, they even break the coffee mug. You’re like, “Oh, it’s okay. Everything’s fine.”
Lisa Young:
I’ve got it, I’ll clean it up.
Ed Young:
Let me help you with that.
Lisa Young:
But if Ed does it, I’m like, what are you doing?
Ed Young:
We don’t need any of those mugs.
Lisa Young:
Like last night I came in the kitchen and I had noticed that the trash was getting full, but I didn’t take it out because you know, if there’s another inch or two, you don’t want to take it out yet. You’ve got to fill the whole can. I got into the kitchen and I opened the drawer-
Ed Young:
And I thought about that too. I thought, “You know what? This trash is getting full. I am going to serve you and serve our house and take the trash out.” Now I know a lot of guys just do that instinctively, but not me. I’m not as-
Lisa Young:
Not Ed. So, he took the trash out and I opened the door drawer and the first thing I thought of was not he took the trash out. The first thing I thought of was he didn’t put the bag back.
Ed Young:
I totally forgot. Guilty
Lisa Young:
Now wait a minute, just to let you know, I make it easy. I put several bags in the bottom of the can and then put a bag over for the trash so that when you take the trash out, I mean it is right there. So easy.
Lisa Young:
But last night, maybe because I knew we were speaking on marital conflict and ping pong today, I just said, “Oh, he took the trash out. That was nice.” And I didn’t respond in the bad way.
Ed Young:
Now you didn’t. You didn’t, you were great.
Lisa Young:
I was like, “He took the trash out. That’s so good.” Okay. So speaking of that…
Ed Young:
Something else, when we were married, if you think about it, Lisa and I have been married for 37 years, we have four kids, two grandkids and two grandkids on the way. We know a lot about marriage. We’ve written about it extensively. We’ve lectured all around the world about this topic. But let me tell you, we don’t have a perfect marriage. I’m not talking or we’re not talking-
Lisa Young:
There’s no such thing.
Ed Young:
Yeah, we’re not talking down to you, we’re coming alongside you. We do know a lot though about marriage. We’ve interviewed and talked to a lot of people about the subject. So this next one is big because when it comes to marriage, if you think about it, we have collected a bunch of information about each other in our iClouds, vulnerabilities, strengths, weaknesses. Are you…
Lisa Young:
I mean we’ve got 44 years almost.
Ed Young:
So what will happen is if Lisa serves up maybe a soft ball and I want to slam her because I shouldn’t spin or slam anything, I’ll just borrow and download some stuff that I’ve collected in my iCloud and I’ll take it.
Lisa Young:
So number three is-
Ed Young:
And I can slam her, right, because I know all of this stuff, so I use that sacred information in a sinister way. And of course, women don’t slam as much, they tend to spin.
Lisa Young:
So number three is Avoid Spins And Slams.
Ed Young:
And slams. Women can spin it, can’t they?
Lisa Young:
How do we spin it? Women are more emotional, and we take information that’s in this cloud and if we’ve been hurt in any way or offended-
Ed Young:
And it can turn into a tornado, that cloud, very quickly.
Lisa Young:
This is my illustration; you stay with the slam. But we can meet with a girlfriend, have lunch with a coworker, and we start spinning with that emotional spin information that is sacred. The vulnerabilities that Ed shares with me, the vulnerabilities that I share with Ed are a very precious thing. They’re not given and exchanged as artillery to take out someone or to take out him. And if you use it as such, it brings about collateral damage.
Ed Young:
Yeah, you can’t keep score.
Lisa Young:
The spins and the slams work against you, because whatever Ed is serving to me, I’m putting it right back.
Ed Young:
It comes back. Whatever you put over the net comes back.
Lisa Young:
If you put slams across, you’re getting slammed. And it does not work for the relationship. Does that make sense? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I want to be very protective of Ed and Ed needs to be very protective of me. We are supporting each other. Whenever I tear Ed down, really, I’m tearing myself down. That’s why… Ed, are you-
Ed Young:
We have this (BOOK: The Marriage Mirror) available at all of our locations. This is our favorite book we’ve written on marriage.
Lisa Young:
Literally.
Ed Young:
I don’t know how many printings, but it’s only $10, hard back, The Marriage Mirror. And here’s the premise of this book. When I look into Lisa’s eyes reflected back is who I really am. When she looks into my eyes reflected back is who she really is. When people go through marital mayhem or divorce, it’s not about the other person. Although we want to blame, she didn’t fulfill my needs or he’s an idiot or whatever. Okay, that’s not the deal. The deal is you don’t like yourself, you don’t like what you see reflected back so you say, “You know what? I’m going to go to another game, pick up another paddle and find another ping pong table.”
Ed Young:
But after a while, after the shine wears off, maybe ladies, you trade him in for a richer model. Maybe guys, you trade her in for a younger model, you’re going to face the music. Work at the game in front of you. If this is your second marriage, work on that game, your first marriage, stay in that marriage. I would challenge you just to invest a little bit in marriage.
Lisa Young:
Okay. So Ed, the next one is Play On Your Side Of The Table.
What happens if you don’t stay on your side?
Ed Young:
Well stay on your side of the table, right. Or yeah, play on your side of the table. Play.
Lisa Young:
Play on your side of the table.
Ed Young:
I have some leadership gifts and I like to control things, and so I’ll just kind of come over to Lisa’s side, maybe begin to critique her in love, control her in love.
Lisa Young:
There’s a fine line between critique and criticism. You know? Are you feeling this? Criticism tears things down, critiques build things up. So be careful with your words and that control, because if it’s a controlling thing it’s definitely a critical thing.
I can come over here because you know, in my mind I’m thinking, “You know? I grew up with a dad who fixed things all the time. He could build things in his sleep. He was kind of an architect and I don’t think… You know, Ed to be more like that.” And I impose that upon him rather than seeing the unique gifts and qualities that God has given Ed and celebrating those things. So be careful of coming onto the other side of the table and trying to control.
Ed Young:
Yeah, celebrate your differences. It doesn’t mean you’re not going to change.
Lisa Young:
No. Listen, the things that Ed and I disagreed about 38 years ago this June are the same things that we disagree now.
Ed Young:
Yes.
Lisa Young:
They are reoccurring issues.
Ed Young:
Jay-Z and Beyoncé, they have the same issues you do and I do. There’s just more zeros behind it. Whoever A-lister, we all deal with the same crap and the same beautiful stuff. It doesn’t matter. I’ll say it again. That’s something I will tell you. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to people on welfare about marital mayhem, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to billionaires about marital mayhem. You cut through all of the stuff, it’s the same stuff. Successful marriages can negotiate and keep the rally going.
Lisa Young:
Because you won’t fix those things. There are certain things you will not fix; you navigate and negotiate around them.
Ed Young:
Jesus said, Lisa, in Matthew 7:3, (“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”) He goes, “What are you doing? You’re picking out the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye, your sister’s eye, your spouse’s eye,” and you’ve got a ping pong paddle in yours. I mean, that was Hebrew humor. I’m serious. That’s hilarious.
Lisa Young:
So here’s another one, Ed. Don’t Keep Score.
Ed Young:
Don’t keep score? No.
Lisa Young:
Oh, I’m good at keeping score.
Ed Young:
You are.
Lisa Young:
Do you know that… Oh shoot.
Ed Young:
One to nothing.
Lisa Young:
I know, one to nothing. The origin of ping pong, I find this fascinating. While Ed was watching YouTube videos on how to really hit the ball well, I looked up the history of ping-pong, because ping-pong started as table tennis. Because it was cold and rainy and you couldn’t play tennis outside, so the Brits came up with the idea, oh, well, let’s just play on the dining room table.
Ed Young:
So it started in Europe.
Lisa Young:
It started in Europe. They put books across for the net and they used the tops of cigar boxes as the paddle, and then they … I don’t know what the ball was necessarily, but eventually they changed to the light ball, the ping-pong ball that’s a lot more delicate and hit it. But if you hit-
Ed Young:
And you know what? Relationships, marriage is delicate, like this ping-pong ball.
Lisa Young:
That’s right. But originally, they did not keep score.
Ed Young:
Drop a paddle.
Lisa Young:
They didn’t keep score. Why? They wanted people to enjoy the game. It wasn’t about winners and losers.
Ed Young:
Enjoy it. As I said earlier, Guys, we’re going to have to lose as men in the relationship. I’m not talking about lose the way you’re thinking about losing. Jesus said, let me quote him again, (Matthew 20:26) “If you want to become great, become a servant.” When Jesus was dying on the cross for our sins, a lot of people thought, “Oh, that’s an L. He’s a loser.” He was winning. Died on the cross, was buried, rose again.
That’s the win. So many times, in our culture, “Oh, Ed, you’re a loser. Oh, you’re a loser.” No, we’re not. We understand that we are the initiator. We understand that we represent Jesus, loving our wives as Christ loved the church. We understand that as we serve her, as we lose ourselves, what happens? Then we have control, because God is controlling and calling the shots in our lives.
Jesus said, “If you lose your life, you gain it.” (Matthew 10:39) You’ll find it. This is the Upside-down Kingdom.
Lisa Young:
It is. But thinking about keeping score, I have a tendency to remember things. I have a great memory. I remember conflict. Oh yeah, I remember things.
Ed Young:
I`m ready to reconcile.
Lisa Young:
…things, that may be…what’d you say?
Ed Young:
I’m ready to reconcile. I messed up, will you forgive me? Yes, let`s go to bed. For her… Not so fast, big boy.
Lisa Young:
Let the things of the past be in the past. And many people come into a session like this and you’re like, wait a minute, you just don’t know the pain, the betrayal that I’ve experienced, and I don’t, but God does. The plan of salvation is that God took the pain, the difficulties, the sin and the shame of the past and he spilled his blood so that it could be forgiven and reconciled so that we could have a relationship with God. And if he did that for us, then that’s what our path should look like. So whatever pain that you’ve gone through, start today with the practices that God wants you to have so that you can move into the future and have a successful relationship, a successful marriage.
Ed Young:
(Stay At The Table) Our friend, Dr. Lichi, we’ve talked to him about our marriage and our family. I highly recommend biblical counseling. Dr. Lichi has shared with us several things that will guarantee, guarantee successful marriages and has over 41,000 hours of clinical study on married couples, 41,000.
Lisa Young:
And he said he has not seen anyone who did this, not make it in their relationship. I’m going to give you all three.
Ed Young:
Listen to us please. I beg you, listen to your preacher.
Lisa Young:
Let’s get all three and then we’ll break them down. Play together, lay together, pray together and you’ll stay together.
Ed Young:
Amen!
Lisa Young:
Play together, pray together and stay together. Okay. Play. Ed and I enjoy going out to eat, trying new restaurants, we work out together, sometimes we fish together, sometimes Ed will go-
Ed Young:
It’s not like every time I go fishing, Lisa comes along, sometimes. “Oh, he always invites her fishing, honey, can I go?” No, that’s not necessarily… Yeah. Now and then, but she enjoys it.
Lisa Young:
…and I, honestly, don`t want Ed with me thrifting, because he would be like “Why are we here?”.
Ed Young:
She likes thrifting and she goes to places I wouldn’t go. In fact, Lisa loves to sell stuff, buy and sell stuff, and she’ll drive across town sometimes to sell something for $25 I’m like “Lisa, I’m not going to do that, but I’m worried that you’re going by yourself.” Sometimes I’ll go along, who knows where you’re going. But she enjoys that. I don’t, she enjoys garage sales. I don’t like them. But that’s a whole other argument, a whole other subject.
Ed Young:
But I do go thrifting some. I go to some of those stores, I do.
Lisa Young:
Find that thing that you enjoy together because play brings about a change in your thinking, a change in your anxiety levels, a change in your mental chemistry.
Ed Young:
We like animals a lot together. We`ve got a lot of stuff we’d like to.
Lisa Young:
That segues into the lay together, so play together and lay together and that’s-
Ed Young:
What do you do? I mean many times I’m not in the mood, you are. What…. Not tonight, I have a headache. Now that’s a serious issue that I want to bring up here. Seriously though, what happens when we’re not equally in the mood. Now, sometimes you’ll be equally in the mood. Some of the singles and students are like “oh, not me”, trust me… Now, I understand if you go to Puerto Ayora or some getaway, just you and your spouse without the kids, without the kids. Remember kids: keeping intimacy at a distance successfully. If you go to some resort or a cruise is you and your spouse, I understand you both are going to want to do it and you`re both in the mood.
Ed Young:
I’m saying day in and day out, when you’re just ping-ponging, sometimes someone wants to ping and the other one does not want to pong. So if that happens, Lisa, we had the 24 hour rule, we’ll go “no” with the caveat, “no tomorrow morning” or “no tomorrow evening”. That’s very, very important. But you’re never going to be, more rarely I shouldn’t say, never equally in the mood, but that needs to be addressed.
Lisa Young:
But the overarching fact is that intimacy in marriage is way more than a physical thing. It’s a spiritual thing. It’s an emotional thing. It’s way bigger credit-
Ed Young:
This is why we said pray together.
Lisa Young:
That’s right. So, intimacy, we should count it a privilege to be able to fulfill our spouse`s needs. We should count it a privilege that we’re the chosen one to do that, and whenever we get that out of kilter, we’re setting ourselves up for marital failure. Always remember that it’s a privilege. And then the final thing is to pray together. Spiritual leadership is important to be demonstrated between a husband and wife, and the husband should lead out in this. Too often the husbands don’t lead out, so the wife picks up the mantle and starts running with it. She’s the one-
Ed Young:
And honey, in almost every church, here and all the churches that we’ve spoken in over the last, let’s say 20 years where we’ve traveled here, domestically and internationally, they’re usually more women that go to church than men in almost every single church because of what she’s saying.
Lisa Young:
The word husband is house band. You are the ones who are responsible for banding your house together in the leadership of God. So, pray with your spouse, pray with your children, pray about your kids’ salvation, pray about practical things that may seem silly to you, but they’re huge… your child`s sleeping through the night, potty training, their schoolwork, pray for you and your spouse`s careers, whatever it is, just bring it to God because you’re not only showing that you, as a husband and a wife, have God at the center of your relationship, but you’re teaching your children that your family is God centric. We live under the authority of God and I can tell you without hesitation, Ed and I don’t have a perfect marriage. We are two individuals who mess up and fail, but we being committed to God, God has taken us and led us in a relationship that we could never have dreamed possible and we actually get to have fun in this game called ping-pong because when you do it God’s way, it works.
Ed Young:
The bottom line of all of this… The Ball Is In Your Court. It really is. It’s about Jesus. Jesus died on a cross for our sins, rose again, and he says, okay, the ball’s in your court. You either receive me, forgiveness, grace, you’re reconciled to God through what Jesus did, and that plays out in your marriage, your child rearing, your career, or you don’t. Remember though, it’s about Jesus and about his grace and his love, for you and for me.
