Description
ON LOCATION:
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF YOUR WORTH
Made In The Shade
Ed Young
June 16, 2002
Over the last several weeks we’ve been filming a series called “On Location” and we’ve had a great time traveling to different parts of country. We wanted to conclude this whole series of talks as we discuss one of the most important subject matters concerning self-esteem. I’m going to talk to you about how to build a great self-esteem into the lives of others. So, dads, especially on this weekend, listen up. Because the last time I checked that should be at the top of our priority list, our job description, as fathers. So check it out, it’s called “Made in the Shade.”
I’m standing on a beautiful lookout and you can see behind me a very nice bay. It’s all different colors, all different hues of greens and blues. It’s something else. And when you are out here like this, especially in this kind of heat, you need to wear some eye protection. These are sunglasses. These are sunglasses I bought several years ago back when our Sr. High retreat was at the beach. These are made by Oakley, and I love these glasses because I can run in them. I’ve even played basketball in them. They do not come off; they have some type of special nose thing that just keeps them right there on your head. I like these glasses.
These next glasses are ones that I wear if I want to see into the water. Maybe I’m on a sailboat, or I’m doing some fishing or something like that. They have polarized lenses and you can really see, almost with X-ray vision, the bottom; you can see fish swimming down there. I like these: they are made by Costa Del Mar. A lot of skiers and wake boarders wear these. They’re cool. If you want to go with the fashionable look, you can always wear glasses that look something like this, with side shields and stuff. The great thing about glasses is the fact that they improve your sight and they afford you the opportunity to really see.
A while back I had some Lasik surgery done on my eyes. A guy I grew up with is a top eye surgeon out East and he fixed my eyes free of charge. You can’t beat free. Anyway, after I came up off the table I could see with, like, 20/20 vision. Prior to that, whenever I would look into the mirror without any contacts or without any glasses, I couldn’t even really see myself. I saw myself as kind of blurry, in a blurry fashion. But now with Lasik, I can really see the reflection of myself without any aide of contacts or corrective lenses.
The goal of this entire series has been what I just said. We want you to be able to see yourself clearly, to really see who you are. It’s all about sight. God wants us to have a proper view, a proper perspective, proper sightlines if you will. So I want to talk to you about sight.
If you look at your outlines you will see the letters S-I-G-H-T, it spells sight. Now someone a while back said, “Ed, I think I might call Fellowship Church now the church of acrostics. You guys are always using acrostics.” Well we do use them a lot and I just like it because it helps me to remember stuff. The goal here is not for me to do the teaching and for you forget it. I want you to remember it. So from this day forward every time you think about glasses, maybe you’re getting old like I am and need reading glasses or wear different types of sunglasses or maybe you’re going to have Lasik surgery, think about your proper sightlines. Because with the right sight, as we look at others and also look at ourselves, we can do something that is awesome. We can build a self-esteem in those people that we rub shoulders with every single day. We can build a healthy self esteem into our co-workers’ lives, into our friends’ lives, into our families’ lives, and into our spouses’ lives. We have such potential, such sight, if we do it the way God wants.
Support Uniqueness
So let’s begin with “S.” “S” stands for support. We need to support others uniquely. Let me do a little side bar and talk to the parents and also would-be parents. If you are at any type of parental stage listen very carefully to what I am going to say right now. God has given you the wonderful opportunity, and the responsibility, and one day the accountability of building an incredible self-esteem into the lives of those little ones He has entrusted you with. They are looking to you for those cues. They are looking to you for those answers. They are looking to you for those words of encouragement.
The amazing thing about having children is their uniqueness. I think we would all agree with that. My wife and I have four children. Take our twins for example. They’re 7 years of age; both of them came from Lisa and I, yet both of them are utterly unique. One is more extroverted; the other is more introverted. One is more detailed; the other is more of a generalist. One’s a story-teller, kind of messy, the other one is very neat. Now you take two children like that and you try to support their uniqueness, try to build a self-esteem in them. It takes different words in different ways to communicate that feeling. Maybe for some kids you have to hug them a lot. You need to hug all kids a lot, but for some they might respond more to that. For others maybe you have to write it down. For others you say it. Maybe for some kids you just give them opportunity and they know as a parent you’re giving them opportunity and they see that.
The Bible says in Proverbs that parents are to train up a child in the way the child should go. I like what Chuck Swindoll said years ago. Chuck said, “Hey moms and dads, be careful. Your baby has the bent, we have a certain bent, all of us do, towards certain abilities, towards certain activities. Now thoughtless parents, selfish parents, try to take their children and mold them into what they want. Maybe as a mom you have some unfulfilled things from back in your childhood or teenage years, so you take your daughter for example and you force her into those molds to do the things that you never did. Or dads, dads are classic at this, maybe you were the proverbial FAA, Frustrated All-American. Maybe you had a knee injury in the 9th grade and that kept you from the NFL. I doubt that, but maybe you think that. And maybe you take your child and you force him into sports or whatever.
We need to see what our kids like to do. We see that and understand that by exposing them to a lot of different areas. Then once they find something, whether it be the arts, whether it be music, whether it be speaking, athletics, whatever. Once we see where their natural interests lie, then we applaud them and we support their uniqueness by complimenting them. But too often, parents, we get so self-centered that we try to make our kids into little mini-me’s and that is not always the case. Sometimes kids do end up doing, moms, what you do and, dads, what you do. That’s great but we have to give them freedom.
When I was 15 or 16 years of age, I was talking to my father one day, as he was getting dressed to go to church, about life and all that. And I remember telling him, “Dad, you know I wouldn’t be surprised one day if I become a pastor or minister.” He looked at me and he said something I’ll never forget. He said, “Ed, if you can do anything else and be happy, do that.” He said to be in the ministry you have to feel a real sense of calling on your life. You have to feel God directing you. And people ask me all the time, they say, “Ed, did your parents like force you to be in the ministry, to go into ministry? Was that expected?” And the answer is a resounding, “No!” No, they did not force me whatsoever. They always told me, “Do whatever you feel led to do.” But they also supported my gifts and abilities and, you know, God ended up leading me to here. So it’s something to ponder and to think about as we consider this whole thing of training our children.
Well, this weekend is one of the most exciting weekends in the history of Fellowship Church because we are moving into our brand new facility. This facility is called the Creative Communications Complex. The lion’s share of this facility will be for our children. Children’s church rooms, small group areas, a place where kids can learn about who they are in Christ. One of the main purposes and priorities of our teaching is all about self-esteem. We want to highlight, moms and dads, we want to underline and emphasize those transcendent values that you are teaching your children at home. We want to help you build a healthy and super self-esteem into those little ones lives as we support their uniqueness. We are going to do this in every way possible.
Let me change gears a little bit and talk to those who maybe don’t have kids. Let me just talk to those who are in the marketplace. If you don’t have kids or maybe you’re in the marketplace, you can build the self-esteem that God wants you to build in the lives of others. Maybe you are a manager, or maybe you are a boss, or CEO, or something like that. It is so easy when you have people working with you, or maybe reporting to you to try to turn them into yourself. To try and say, “Well I would do it this way or that way.” And you kind of give them the thumbs-down if they don’t do it your way, but thumbs-up if they do it your way. That’s very tempting for me to do that. Over the years though I have learned that everyone is unique
Let me give you a quick example, Owen Goff. Owen Goff has been on our staff for almost 12 years and Owen is a man of great capacity. The man is a true servant. Owen’s gifts are a lot different than mine. Owen will shine in areas that I know I will not shine in, and I think I might shine in areas that Owen would not shine in. So instead of me of trying to take Owen and try to make him into me, or Owen try to make me into him…We don’t do that. We both try, and we do for the most part, to support one another’s uniqueness. And what I mean by supporting one another’s uniqueness is we build into each other’s self-esteem.
So it not only happens with the parent-child thing, it can happen from co-worker to co-worker, friend to friend. You name it: it can occur. But S is a huge one. Support. There is one other Scripture verse that I want to leave you with and this verse is found in 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT). It says, “Love does not demand its own way.” So if I truly love my children, if I truly love my spouse, if I truly love my co-workers, I’m not going to demand my own way in their lives. I’m going to let God work through me in his own way to take them God’s way. Support others uniqueness. It will help your self-esteem, and you will see right before your eyes the self-esteem in others really take root and grow.
Inspire with Responsibility
Not only do we have to “S,” support their uniqueness, we also have to do something else. See “I” on your outline? We have to inspire, inspire with responsibility. Now I just touched on that a second ago, but let me talk to you some more about responsibility. Responsibility is like a self-esteem steroid. I mean it’s like going on the juice. It will really, really fire someone up. It will give them adventure. It will give them excitement. It will give them a vitality for living. Proverbs 11:13 (Good News), “You can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy.”
Well, Dads, maybe you allow your children to work with your tools. You say, “Here, maybe you can build this.” Or maybe it’s sending your child off to camp, or maybe it’s allowing them to swim in the deep end. Several weeks ago I took my son on a little outing and we were out in middle of the country. He’s like 10 years of age and I let him drive my truck down this dirt road for about a mile. Now, he was scared and apprehensive. “No. No, I don’t want to drive the truck. It’s too big.” I said, “Yes, EJ, here’s the gas, here’s the brake.” I was sitting right there with him and he made it all the way to where we were going. Every time my father or my mother gave me the responsibility it really just helped me, it put wind in my sails.
When I first became a pastor I was 21. After I had been a pastor for several months or so, I was working at a church in Houston, my supervisor called me in one day and said, “Ed I really think that you should give the Sunday morning message this weekend.” I said, “You mean you want me to preach? To teach before several thousand people?” And he said, “Yeah.” I’d never preached before and, oh man, I was wigging out, freaking out. And I will never forget the first message I ever preached. It was pretty sad in my opinion but it helped me: it gave me confidence. And by giving me that responsibility it helped my self-esteem, and then I was able to learn from my mistakes and build on that.
You see, parents, or if you are a manager or a boss, overprotection is really a form of rejection. It’s a form of ripping apart your self-esteem. John 20:21, here’s what Jesus said, “As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” Jesus trusted the salvation of the world to a rag tag bunch of guys named the disciplines. So if Jesus would trust the disciples with that kind of responsibility, and then again the disciples having entrusted us with that kind of responsibility, just think what kind of responsibility we should entrust to others. Every time I give it away. Every time I give my kids and others more decision-making growth, every time I delegate something, I put wind in their sails.
Something I’m really excited about that we have done over the years at Fellowship Church is that we have molded incredible communicators. I don’t speak every single weekend at Fellowship Church and I do that intentionally. I do that for rest because this stuff wears me out. I do it also so that I can spend more time on leadership development. I also do it to give more and more people responsibility. I think about Preston Mitchell. Preston had never spoken before, but now Preston, at least several times a year, will speak at Fellowship Church in front of 15 to 17 thousand people. So we really believe in giving responsibility because with responsibility comes confidence. With that confidence comes a greater sense of our self-esteem and then we can wear that crown I’ve been talking about. We can act and live like royalty.
Give Correction and Criticism Carefully
Support their uniqueness, that’s “S.” “I” is to inspire our kids and others with responsibility. And “G,” you will see that on your outline, give correction and criticism carefully. Ephesians 4:29 (Good News), “Do not use harmful words, use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear it.” We’re to give correction and criticism carefully. Key word there is carefully. Children are looking for boundaries. They are looking for walls. They are looking for discipline. Do you realize when you confront a character fault in your kids or maybe someone around the office down deep they’re saying, “Thank you”? Down deep they are showing great appreciation. Down deep they are saying, “I must really matter because I matter to God and matter to this person so much that they have taken the time to give me helpful criticism in a careful type manner.”
When someone makes a mistake, for example around the office, a manager or a president or a boss’ first response is usually to slam the person. To just go, “Man, how ridiculous. How stupid is that?” and other words I will not say. We need to confront mistakes. We need to draw them out. We have to think about, though, how we are drawing them out and how we’re communicating it to others.
There was a book I read years ago by Ken Blanchard. It’s a book I highly recommend to everyone. It’s called “The One Minute Manager” and by the way Ken Blanchard has recently become a Christ-follower. A good friend of mine personally led him to Christ. Blanchard’s thesis of this book is simply this: when you see a mistake, maybe in a child or in a co-worker or whatever, you should praise them and do that for about a minute. Then you call out the problem and you talk about that for about a minute or so. You praise them, and then you confront the problem.
For example, if you are talking to your child you might say, “I love you too much and God loves you too much to allow you to get away with this behavior.” That might be a good line. Or maybe if you are talking to an employee you say, “You know what? I value you. You do an excellent job.” And talk about their excellent job. Then say, “However this one, two, three, four cannot happen. We need to change this or that.” And when you are talking to someone ask them, “Did I make myself clear?” Listen to their words, because if you’re constantly hammering people and just slamming them, then that will destroy their self-esteem. They will not take any risks. They will not use any creativity or any innovation.
It’s kind of like basketball. I remember I played for a coach one time in high school. He was a great practice coach, but he was a horrible coach in the game. If you made one mistake, Aah! He would take you out. The guy was an atrocious coach. So what happened? Our team became paranoid. We were so afraid to make a mistake we never went out there and played. So if you are always pointing out mistake after mistake after mistake, using negativity, just lashing out, you’re going to have a family, you’re going to have workers around you who are afraid to do what they are called and led to do.
Another problem too when you lash out is that a lot of them will just freeze up. They’ll just stop thinking. And many of them will bolt, and will leave, and will rebel through many different avenues and aspects of their lives. So when it comes to self-esteem give correction and criticism carefully. Don’t back down from it. Don’t pretend like it’s not there. Don’t just say everything is nice and fine and perfect 24/7, because that is not reality. Give it. But give it God’s style. Praise them and then call out the mistakes. It will help, though, a person’s self esteem because they will say, “Wow, I must matter to you and I know I matter to God because you love me enough to call me to the carpet.”
Hear Messages
“H”, another way to build a super self-esteem in someone’s life is to hear their messages. Psychologists have studied all this stuff and they say that one of the top ways to build self-esteem in the lives of others is to make great eye contact. Some people just kind of stare a hole through you. It’s not staring a hole through you, no, no, no, no. It’s just looking pleasantly at the person. And James, the half brother of Jesus, wrote this James 1:19. He said, “Everyone,” not some people, “Everyone should be quick to listen.” We should be quick to listen.
It’s funny to look at the different ways people listen. I have a friend of mine, I won’t mention his name, but he is someone I call an “over the shoulder” listener. If I’m in a social setting talking to him, he’s always looking over my shoulder to other people. He’s trying to improve, to steal a golf term, the conversational lie. He’s saying, “You know, Ed, I like you and all that and you’re important. But other people I think are more important.” He’s always doing that. What’s so funny is all of his friends feel the same way about him.
Sometimes we mess up when we’re not quick to listen, because we can be so concerned about what we are going to say next that we don’t listen and really hear what the person is saying. Maybe your spouse is saying something important, but you are so preoccupied about making your next point, and what happened to you, and correcting the deal, that you miss what your spouse is saying.
How do you become a great listener? Well one of the ways is you just shut up. You don’t talk as much. You relax and let the conversation come to you. You face the person, and you use proper body language, then the person talks to you. After they talk to you, what do you do? You summarize it back to them. When you summarize it back to them, you watch their self-esteem increase. You watch their eyes light up because they know they are communicating with you.
When our oldest daughter, LeeBeth, was like four or five I was watching a sports program on television and she was saying, “Daddy. Daddy.” and I kind of glanced over. She said, “Daddy, Daddy.” I was just glancing over. She said, “Look at me. Look at me.” I said, “Yeah, I am LeeBeth. Oh, we scored again!” Then she walked over and took her little hands and turned my face and said, “Daddy, listen with your eyes.” Wow, that’s convicting. How we need to listen with our eyes, because when you do that we will hear their message.
Touch Hearts
“T” in sight. That’s the last one. Touch their heart. Touch their heart. 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Encourage one another and build each other up.” Parents, people in general, build each other up. Touch their heart. Say it, spray it, wheel it, deal it and make them feel it in their soul that you love them and that they matter. When children know that they are loved, when they know that they matter to their parents and that they matter to God, again that’s one of the reasons we are building and investing in this great complex, when children own that fact they don’t go around looking for love’s first cousin, attention.
They don’t look for attention. Little girls don’t look for attention in the arms of the first guy that winks at them. Little boys don’t look for attention in the arms of the first girl that winks at them. People are not disruptive, kids are not rebellious, when they know they matter and they know more importantly that they matter to God. That’s why we have such a responsibility parents and one day such an accountability, to build this confidence and stuff into the lives of little ones.
A UCLA study said that men and women need an average of eight to ten meaningful touches a day for a good self-esteem. Now, guys, that’s non-sexual meaningful touches. A third of our 5 billion touch receptors are in our hands. That doesn’t mean we’re to turn into some kind of touchy feely, I want to give you a hug 24/7; that’s not it. We should, though, touch in a meaningful, integrity-laden way those people that we love. Touch their heart.
It’s all about sight, isn’t it? We can turn into people who are a part of a construction sight when we look at life and others through God’s lens. Because when we do that we’ll truly see who we are, but more importantly we can help others be who they are as well.
God, I thank you for the opportunity that all of us have to build a super self-esteem into the lives of others. Father, I especially pray for the earthly fathers, that they take hold of this sight concept and that they live it out. I also pray for every person in any type of leadership realm that they live this stuff out. Father, again I’m so appreciative that you made all of us utterly unique, that you made each one of us a special man and a special woman. May we see ourselves from this day forward the way you see us, nothing more and nothing less. We voice this prayer in the name of the one who secured our ultimate self-esteem, Jesus Christ. Amen.