Love. Fight. Win: Part 2 – Commandments of a Fair Fight


For marriages to win, two people have to be willing to put in the work and fight for the right things. But so often, arguments between a husband and wife aren’t fair, and they end up causing serious damage. How can marriages emerge victorious from the inevitable arguments they will face? In this message, Pastor Ed and Lisa Young reveal the commandments of a fair fight. Because to get the most out of marriage, we have to be willing to fight, and fight fair.

Save today by subscribing to Creative Pastors for only $25 monthly or $199 annually!


Love. Fight. Win.

Commandments of a Fair Fight

November 12, 2017

Ed and Lisa Young


For marriages to win, two people have to be willing to put in the work and fight for the right things. But so often, arguments between a husband and wife aren’t fair, and they end up causing serious damage. How can marriages emerge victorious from the inevitable arguments they will face? In this message, Pastor Ed and Lisa Young reveal the commandments of a fair fight. Because to get the most out of marriage, we have to be willing to fight, and fight fair.




[Video begins…]


-[Ed] Well, I’m here at the Las Colinas Counseling Center, to see Doctor Jonathan Cude 10:30, but someone is late because … It is 10:45 a.m. So that’s a difference we’ll have to talk about. One is on time, maybe one isn’t. One has a concept of time, one doesn’t. One procrastinates, one doesn’t. One pushes everything to the edge and the ledge, one doesn’t. That’s a good thing to talk about. Especially when you’re here with Doctor Jonathan Cude. Now I want you to watch this guy’s eyebrows. He has some of the best eyebrows. I don’t have very much of an eyebrow, but his eyebrows are unbelievable. I got hair transplants, maybe I can have some Jonathan Cude eyebrow transplants too, but I think he’s so smart, they like feed on his brain and go up, so the only thing that can get you off of subject when you’re talking to Doctor Cude is … You’ll like, what? Man, those eyebrows.

– [Cude] Hey guys! Hey Doctor Cude! Hey, good to see ya. How are you doing John? I’m doing great man. Yes, sir. Good to see ya. Great to be here. We’re looking forward to this.

– [Both] Yes.

– [Cude] It’s going to be interesting.

– [Ed] Yes, it will be.

– [Ed] Let’s get on back. Thank you sir. Welcome to the love, fight, win seminar Lisa and I are with the renowned Doctor Jonathan Cude. Jonathan, thank you so much for taking some time with us. To talk about this.


– [Cude] Yeah, happy to be here with you guys. Actually, glad you guys are here. I though we might just start off where we left off last session. Yes! We need– I know. We need to come by and talk to you again.


– [Lisa] Yeah. And I think you’ve said it before Jonathan that, just like anyone needs an accountant, you need a lawyer, if you’re into golf, maybe a golf coach, and you need a marriage coach. Ed and I unashamedly talk about the benefit of counseling in our lives, and I don’t think you can do that … To share that with other people unless you’ve grasped it yourselves. And for our marriage, it’s been beneficial, and I think everybody who attends the seminar, I know you’re going to definitely benefit as well, but there are times that you definitely need to hit this sofa. That’s right.

– [Cude] Yeah. Get it on the couch. Yeah, I think for marriages that are struggling a lot, it’s obviously very beneficial, but also for great marriages that just wanna tweak some things, and get even better. We can always improve our skills. Exactly. Whether it’s golf or communication conflict, dealing with areas that are more perpetual, those are a big part of our conflicts obviously in marriage, and just getting better at that.

– [Ed] Tell me about the perpetual conflicts in marriage. Because I know you talk about that a lot. We don’t have much– Yeah, we don’t have any conflict. Yeah that’s right. You know we’re joking, don’t you?


– [Cude] Actually, even from a research based perspective, we know that about almost 70% of all of our conflicts are based in these perpetual issues, and those really personality based differences. Some people are just more interested in parenting than the other. Some people might be more interested in connecting. Those are examples of perpetual issues. One person may have a different perspective on time, or boundaries, and things like that. So only about 30% of the conflicts we have do we actually fix, or solve, and move on, and don’t revisit them. Okay. Kind of amazing, that was real comforting for me.


– [Lisa] But is that not depressing to think that we have to deal with the same stuff over and over and over and over again? Or, what does it say, and I’m sorry, what does it say to self-improvement? Like, if they’re the same things happening all the time?


– [Cude] Well, I think, for me, when I began to first realize in my marriage, that how come I keep circling back to these same types of issues. It was kind of comforting to know that, okay, these might not be solvable, so I have to get better at managing them.


-[Lisa] Okay.


-[Cude] Making sure that we don’t hurt each other in the conflict process, and I think that is the most important thing. So what are some of your guys’ perpetual issues that you found out over the last 30 years.


-[Lisa] I think personality.


-[Ed] Oh yes.


-[Cude] Personality?


-[Ed] Uh-huh. Yes. I said oh, yes. Yeah, of course, oh yes, heck yes, yeah, personality. Yeah, I’m not– How would you describe that?


-[Lisa] The differences between us?


-[Ed] Hm-mm.


-{Ed] I would say personality and family background.


-[Cude] That one’s huge.


-[Lisa] Oh my gosh, our families were as– We had common things in our faith, I come from a Christian background, Ed comes from a Christian background, but as far as how our parents navigated their relationship, my parents were very different than his parents, and …


-[Ed] It’s interesting that, I would say looking at it now, kind of a Google Earth type view, that Lisa’s family has more of a true sense of family than even our family. That sounds a little bit harsh—


-[Lisa] Which means that that’s real important to me, and a lot of familial stuff. I love including our children, or even my family, I’m always thinking about my Mom, my sister, I think about that a lot. Where as for him, it’s not as big a deal.


-[Cude] I think you said something there that’s really important, that “it’s more important to me.” And I think in our conflicts in marriage, that’s really what we begin to understand, that wow, I didn’t know this was as important as it was, but it must be. It’s more important because we keep kind of struggling through that. I think one of the many benefits of conflict is to help clarify what really is important, and to be able to express that and either compromise, or just have some sense of understanding. In fact, it’s kind of interesting, we were doing this on conflict last night, Ann and I were going out to meet extended family for dinner, and she was running late


-[Lisa] Which I was for this session. I empathize with her.


-[Cude] You add a little surcharge onto that, but that’s okay. No, and so that got us into some tension. And then really some conflict, although our conflict is not totally overt, we don’t scream or anything like that, but I started talking to her this morning, actually as I was getting ready, and I was giving her examples from my childhood about where we were going to vacation Bible school, and I was supposed to have a part, and my family was late, and my part was given away. My little reading was given away. And I don’t think I had ever shared that story, because the family of origin, the more stories we tell, when these conflicts are triggered, I think it gives the other person great understanding, a lot of empathy.


-[Lisa] It probably paints a picture for them, an illustration.


-[Ed] I love that. Telling stories, I’ve never heard of that Jonathan. It’s brilliant.


-[Ed] Because that lets … It does a couple of things. One, it lets your partner really begin to say, “Wow, that’s why he’s so rigid with time.” Which I can be at times.


-[Lisa] And I grew up where our family, our home, where we lived, my Mom’s twin sister lived right next door, and her family, and then my grandparents lived within a mile away. And then aunts and uncles all over, so we would regularly get together, regularly do things as a family, and I think with Ed, you know, he lived farther away, it was just Mom, Dad, and the brothers, and so …


-[Cude] More, maybe structural attachment, there just there Mom and Dad as opposed to more emotional connection attachment.


– [Lisa] Right, right. And then there’s how I guess we grew up with conflict, resolution. In my family, there was more volatility I think expressed. I mean, how communication, there was a lot of anger, or it bottled up until one big explosive thing, and so he grew up where that was not the case, so I guess bringing all that together, then when he and I have our issues, I just wanna sweep it under the carpet, until all of a sudden, it blows.


-[Cude] Yeah, and that is, I always say, conflict avoidance, all that is doing is setting you up for more conflict. Because you do put it under the rug, and the more you put it under the rug, eventually it’s noticed and has to be dealt with. Yeah, I think as you’ve talked about in this series, a lot of people can’t see the benefit of it. It really is a price we pay for intimacy, for more understanding of each other.


-[Lisa] I wish, I mean, obviously 35 years in, and we dated for six years, so we’ve learned a lot, it’s easier to have that Google Earth perspective when we’re at this point, but oh, the benefit if we had had premarital counseling, and been able to recognize some of these things to go into the marriage with information, as opposed to kind of stumbling upon it.


[Video ends]


-[Ed] Welcome to Fellowship. I’m Ed and this is my wife Lisa. We welcome all of our different locations, you know we have locations everywhere. One church in many different areas, and we’re talking, Lisa, about conflict in marriage and conflict in dating relationships as well, because conflict before the wedding runner segues into conflict after the wedding runner, so we really need to understand what fighting is all about.


-[Lisa] And just as we ended the little video segment, I referenced that Ed and I did not have premarital counseling, and how we stumbled through so many issues and conflicts in our marriage, especially in those early days of marriage, and so, one of the reasons that we’re so intent about sharing our relationship and encouraging others in their relationships is so that you don’t stumble through. Yes, you’re gonna have certain times where stumbling is inevitable, but we want all marriages, all relationships, all dating relationships, not to stumble, but to travel well. To be victorious. What is our thought? We’re gonna fight. Love, fight, win, and we want these relationships to be winning relationships.


-[Ed] Yeah, and last time we talked about what love is all about. True love. And many times we don’t have a holistic definition of what love is. We got love from maybe the media, or maybe we got it from Hollywood, and obviously they try, but don’t really have it. Our culture tries to come up with things about love. Yet the source of love is our great God, and we talked about what love is last time, so if you missed it, go online and check it out. Today though, we talk about, okay, when you have that true love, you’ve got two people though who are imperfect, two, as you say Lisa, self-centered sinners. And when you have a couple of self-centered sinners in a relationship, you’re going to have a bunch of self-centered sinning. You’re gonna have some conflict. You’re gonna have disagreements.


-[Lisa] I’m sure in all of the different locations, just as there was here, there’s just this slight little, eh-eh-eh-eh. Yeah, a little bit uncomfortable. Nobody wants to admit that they mess up. None of us do, and especially in marriage conflicts, in relational conflicts. I don’t wanna admit that I’m the one that’s fumbled the ball, that’s messed up, gone out of bounds. I don’t like to admit that.


-[Ed] No, women don’t, really.


-Lisa] Oh– I was not speaking from a gender perspective.


-[Ed] Well that’s true, I just wanna say this—


-[Lisa] I was speaking from a spouse—


-[Ed] Now guys, I know you’re afraid to laugh, because you don’t wanna get elbowed, but … Men, this is one of the good things about being a man. We—


-[Lisa] Okay, tell us at least one good thing about being a man.


-[Ed] We will ask for forgiveness and forgive and forget quicker than a woman.


-[Lisa] As attorneys would say, generally speaking.


-[Ed] Well, I would almost say every time—


-[Lisa] Oh please—


-[Ed] But let’s just say generally speaking.


-[Lisa] I don’t believe that.


-[Ed] And guys, you know I’m right. You know I’m right. Down deep you’re going, oh man, that dude is preaching.


-[Lisa] That’s for ulterior motives, because when the apology comes, the makeup comes, so maybe that’s it. Oh yeah, you’ll figure that out sooner or later.


-[Ed] But Lisa, you know what too? We are turning away from each other. We have disagreements, fights, conflict, we turn away, there’s a turning away. Yet because we have this, this supernatural love active, we turn back towards one another, and that’s only … Real reconciliation only happens because we realize, man, I’ve been reconciled to God through Christ, and because marriage reflects that, then I should rush to reconcile with my spouse. Does that make sense? That’s how the gospel, the death, burial, and resurrection, is lived out in marriage. Now, if you’re not a believer, if you’re kicking tires and testing the waters about this whole Christianity thing, that’s one of the … Well, that’s the essence of Christianity, and it’s something that quite frankly, Lisa, has kept our marriage at a top priority, and it’s the reason we have a great marriage. And I’ve said this before, and don’t freak, but, and Lisa said it too. We’ve written about this. If we didn’t have Jesus in our lives, we wouldn’t be married today. Our marriage would not have worked.


-[Lisa] I agree with that. So Jesus and his reconciliation, is the foundation for how you and I resolve conflict, and it’s important that we figure out this conflict thing, because what happens when you have two self-centered sinners, and conflict arises, the tendency is for me, because I like to be right, I live to be victorious, I wanna win, I go into our conflicts with the perspective of me winning. But it’s not about me winning. Conflict is used best when we navigate through it, and then both of us win. Because if I focus on me winning, or if Ed focuses on him winning, then what happens? We have a loser in the relationship. Someone wins, someone loses, and I don’t wanna be married to a loser. Neither do you. So, in order for us to navigate through conflict, we have to set our winning motivation aside as an individual, and grasp that we wanna win together.


-[Ed] It’s a team. It’s that oneness.


-[Lisa] We want this conflict to take us to a new level in our relationship. And I can honestly say, over all the years of our marriage, that whatever conflict we’ve experienced, when dealt with correctly, we have come out better for it. Our relationship is deeper. We love each other more. And it’s hard, as we talked about last time, for me to even imagine that I love Ed more today than I did 35 years ago, in spite of the conflicts that we’ve had.


-[Ed] Again, go back to the gospel, alright? We were at war with the Lord, we turned away from him. The reconciliation work was done by Jesus, and it brought us to a new level. Obviously, that’s a macro-type situation. Well, the thing can happen, that same reconciliation can happen in a micro level in marriage when we have turned away, reconciliation, a deeper level, we turn away, reconciliation, a deep level. So that is the beauty of the gospel, that’s what real love is about. You’ve got agape love, unconditional love, you’ve got brotherly love, phileo, and then you have the erotic, sexual chemistry, called eros love. Three loves in a relationship. Yet Lisa, if you think about it, marriage is more on the warm and cool side than it is on the hot side all the time. And I know a lot of singles, especially a lot of students, here like, oh no, when I get married, it’s gonna be hot 24/7 man, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. You’ll definitely have times of heat. That kinda sounded weird. But you’ll definitely have times when it’s hot. That’s part of love. But you cannot thrive and survive when it’s just hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, because that fades, like a good pair of 5-0-1 jeans.


-[Lisa] What happens when conflict comes? The heat dissipates and it’s icy cold, and how do you navigate through that? Well we want to share with you several ways to do that. The first is to communicate truthfully.


-[Ed] Truthfully.


-[Lisa] In conflict, communicate truthfully. I have a difficult time with this. Not giving truth, but receiving truth. Especially, when it comes from Ed. Because I tend to become defensive when he shares truth about my personality, truth about my behavior, truth about an issue, and I imagine that there are many who are hearing my voice, and you’re like, oh yeah, I understand that.


-[Ed] I think you’re more defensive than I am.


-[Lisa] Definitely more defensive.


-[Ed] Who in here would be the most defensive in your marriage? Those who are married, just lift your hand, who is the most defensive? That’s okay, good.


-[Lisa] It tends to be, well, there’s a couple men who’s raising their hands. But I get defensive, but think about it this way, the person who is best suited to tell me the truth, other than God’s word, is my husband. He’s best suited for that. So, rather than being defensive, I need to be receptive to hearing the truth. But that is coupled with the next one.


-[Ed] Tender.


-[Lisa] Communicate tenderly.


-[Ed] Tenderly.


-[Lisa] Because the truth delivered harshly, will definitely cause us to be defensive, so you have to wrap truth in tenderness.


-[Ed] Yeah, truth and love. Tenderness.


-[Lisa] Truth and love, Truth and love.


-[Ed] Tenderness.


-[Lisa] Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.”


-[Ed] And you’re much better at that than I am.


-[Lisa] At tenderness?


-[Ed] Yes.


-[Lisa] Thank you. Okay.


-[Ed] She really is.


-[Lisa] And then, we should communicate timely.


-[Ed] Now you’re definitely better than me at the right time. Timing is oh, Lisa is great at that.


-[Lisa] Ed and our relationship … Ed tends to say whatever he’s thinking.


-[Ed] Sue me. And it just comes out. I do.


-[Lisa] He thinks it, he says it.


-[Ed] But I don’t say rude things all the time to people. I’m not talking about. Some people are like, yeah man, I just tell it like it is, and you’re like whoa! I don’t mean like that, But I’ll just say things maybe at the wrong time. Like right before we’re going to bed, I might say something like, “yeah, I had this conversation with so and so”, and Lisa’s like, “Honey, “I don’t wanna hear about that right now, That causes stress and anxiety. Or I might say, “Lisa I’m tired of you blowing your nose”, because Lisa blows her nose … That’s one of the pet peeves that I have with her. She blows her nose more than anyone I’ve ever seen in my life. Let me ask you a question real quick, and this is putting her on the spot, but that’s okay.


-[Lisa] Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop. Okay, we talked last time about sharing our biggest arguments, okay?


-[Ed] Yeah.


-[Lisa] Okay, as we were talking about this in preparation, we could not remember specifically any major arguments that really were worth bringing up. Most arguments stem from power, money and sex. Those are the three big issues in marriage and relationships: Power, money and sex. However, there are little pet peeves that are recurring that can cause us to have … We might just see our spouse in a not so pretty light.


-[Ed] Yeah, and the nose blowing for me, I know it sounds crazy, but it gets on my nerves. Most people blow their nose– I don’t even blow my nose very much with a tissue, maybe, I don’t even blow it once a day. Lisa will blow her nose easy, 15 times a day. It’s almost like, and by her bedside table, it’s like a mountain, stacked, with tissue. I wanna ask you, how many people in here blow your nose more than five times a day?


-[Lisa] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.


-[Ed] She’s at 15!


-[Lisa] I do not blow my nose 15 times a day.


-[Ed] But tell them what I do that drives you coo coo for cocoa puffs, because I do something, and just say it.


-[Lisa] Well, Ed hums and sings and taps all the time. All the time. By that, well, usually not simultaneously. But he hums, just hums, like, he’ll be working on his message, and I’ll hear humming and he’ll walk down the hallway, and you’ll hear humming, and then he’ll be in the kitchen making a smoothie, humming. I’ll come up to the office, and Ed’s in his office, humming. And, that sounds like such a trite and trivial thing, it absolutely drives me crazy. We’ll sit down for a meal, and Ed will be humming. He also …


-[Ed] I sing.


-[Lisa] He sings.


-[Ed] I make songs up, all that, raps, country western, classical, whatever, and here’s the bad thing …


-[Lisa] And he thinks it’s awesome.


-[Ed] And I do. But I will sing in different people’s voices, and this makes her a little bit mad, I will sing like her mother sings. ♪ Love is in the air! ♪ ♪ Wahhh-Ohhh! ♪


-[Lisa] Yeah, oh yeah.


-[Ed] I do it, and I just love that. Imitating and joking around.


-[Lisa] His favorite thing is to imitate my mother singing rock and roll songs.


-[Ed] Oh yeah.


-[Lisa] My Mom’s 90 years old.


-[Ed] Elvalee sings the classic rock, ♪ We’re climbing the stairway to heaven. ♪ Or whatever it is.


-[Lisa] And I can laugh about it now …


-[Ed] Yeah, but no, not always.


-[Lisa] If I’m in a serious, let’s get things done mood, I don’t wanna hear my mother singing stairway to heaven. Or, if we’re out on a date, he’ll start tapping, tapping, just tapping different beats, and of course this is an insult to his tapping, because he actually was a drummer, and so he could really put a beat down on the dashboard. And he will ask me, he’ll say, “Can you match that beat?” And I’m like, I don’t wanna match that beat. He goes “No, no, no, seriously Lisa, I think you can, “come on, you can do this.” And I’m like, Ed, I really don’t care about beating on the dashboard, and he will insist until I do it, and that is minor in the grand schemes of marital conflict, but those are just two things that drive us crazy.


-[Ed] But, here’s what we’ve found. Those Kleenex arguments, and the humming/singing arguments, even though they’re a little bit irritating, can lead sometimes into …


-[Lisa] Because often, if Ed’s talking to me about the Kleenex, and you know, “Lisa, I think you blow your nose too much.” Then I raise my defenses and I’ll start saying, “Well let me tell you what you do too much.” And then I’ll go from humming to things that are maybe a little more serious, and more deeply in it. So it’s important that timing is considered. Because we have to make sure we’re dealing with conflict outside of high emotional times. Not when we’re in the heat of the argument. Yes, you wanna diffuse an argument, but you wanna make sure you’re dealing with it when your emotions aren’t ruling, and common sense and that thought of, we want to discuss this, we want to get reconciliation so we can be better for it.


-[Ed] You are great though at approaching me with issues at the right time. And that’s not always my best, so I want to congratulate you on that.


-[Lisa] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.


-[Ed] You do well, and like for example, if I’m going through, if I’m studying, or it’s before or after a long weekend of speaking, you’re not gonna dump something negative, or say, you know blah, blah, blah to me, and I greatly appreciate that, where …


-[Lisa] And now that I’ve shared with you that at the end of the day, when I’m trying to relax and wind down, I don’t wanna face a lot of issues, you know, right before bedtime, because that takes away from the relaxation. And I shared that with you, and communicated that with you. Communication is huge. I think a lot of times, especially women, we think that our husbands learn things through osmosis. It’s like, oh, well I’m sitting next to him, surely he gets this, and that’s not true. We have to communicate. So you communicate truthfully, you communicate tenderly, you communicate timely, and then also tactfully, and that kind of goes with the tenderness thing.


-[Ed] It does.


-[Lisa] With tact, but too often we speak to our spouses in a way that we would never speak to a friend.


-[Ed] Now that right there is brilliant. Did you hear that, it’s brilliant. Think about your best friend, you know?


-[Lisa] If I wouldn’t treat my friend like that, why would I treat that person that I’m committed to, and have a covenant before God with. So it’s important that we communicate in these ways.


-Ed] And that brings us to the ten commandments of fighting. Would you like to know those? Yes. The ten commandments, and hey, if you’re single, this is so great that you can learn this now. We did not. Lisa and I did not receive marital, premarital counseling, and I’m telling you, no matter how cool you are, what you look like, how much money you have, or don’t have. Whatever your culture is, skin color, forget it, you will deal with these issues. You will.


-[Lisa] And you and I truly stumbled upon these commandments, because we figured out that these were things that we were doing in our relationship that was detrimental. It was causing us to have resentment, and so we kinda created these out of common sense, and out of experience.


-[Ed] The first one is thou shalt not use absolutes. You never! You always! Every single time.


-[Lisa] Those words. Those words have a way of making us feel like total failures.


-[Ed] Do you think you do that more, or do you think I do that more? Using absolutes.


-[Lisa]You always use ’em.


-[Ed] Whoa! That scared me right there!


-[Lisa] That was self inditing, wasn’t it? That was self inditing. No, I tend to do that more. Because, that, I think those words arise out of emotion. They come out of emotion, and in my feelings based attitude, my feelings based drama, or whatever you wanna call it. I will tend to say, “Ed, you always do that.” One of the things that Ed …


-[Ed] Lisa’s not, I would not call you a high drama, or high maintenance person, I’m much more high maintenance. Much more than Lisa, oh my gosh.


-[Lisa] Yes. Can I get an Amen? You are.


-[Ed] I am. It’s okay, it’s okay. I admit it.


-[Lisa] And sometimes that’s a cause of contention between the two of us, because I’m like, why can’t you be like me? Do you ever think that about your spouse? Why can’t you be more like me?


-[Ed] Yeah?


-[Lisa] How boring would that be in our relationship if Ed was more like me? It would be dull. And if I was exactly like Ed, well, wheels off, we’d be in the ha-ha– I mean seriously, it would be comedy hour all the time, not really, you’re not comedian all the time, but you are funny.


-[Ed] Yeah, and people sometimes ask me, or ask you—


-[Lisa] He’s, wait a minute, let me correct that, I’m sorry I’m interrupting, which is one of the commandments, but anyway, you interrupt me a lot, so I’m getting back at ya.


-[Ed] It’s okay.


-[Lisa] No, no, no … Ed is so energetic. Can you imagine if I had that energy? How would we function? You are very energetic.


-[Ed] Thank you.


-[Lisa] You are the person, seriously, when he had the open heart surgery, I’m like, I cannot believe this man. He’s had his chest cracked wide open, all this serious stuff done, and man, he was like, when the nurse said, hey, you need to breathe in this machine, and you need to do this level, Ed did it, and it wasn’t quite the level that was the goal, which was supposed to be the goal after several days, and Ed said, “No, no, no, no, I’m gonna do it again. “I wanna do it again.” And he would blow, and it was that level. And he conquered everything, and I think it’s a tribute to your energy and your enthusiasm for life, and all of that, and kudos to you.


-[Ed] Athleticism.


-[Lisa] Athleticism, yeah.


-[Ed] Testosterone level.


-[Lisa]Yeah, I’m sorry, I got off track there.


-[Ed] But you know what someone told me about marriage. Think about this, marriage is a place where you learn to do what you don’t want to do. Isn’t that great? And it sounds negative, but it’s not. Because, marriage is the catalyst for spiritual maturity. That’s why we have to fight right. So don’t use absolutes. Number two, thou shalt not become … historical. I didn’t say hysterical, historical. Now, that’s pretty much for the women, because guys, I know I’m not as smart as Lisa. They can remember stuff. Do you remember ten years ago honey, when you said nya-nya-nya? Let’s just go to the next one. Number three. There’s no use to saying anything about that. But to me, don’t dredge up the past.


-[Lisa] Yup. Stay in the moment, with the relevant topic.


-[Ed] Guys, we don’t like that, because that’s unfair. Because they’re smarter than we are. Cuz see, women understand stuff on a multisensory level, and we don’t, and it’s like fighting some UFC guy, that you don’t have any mixed martial arts training, you’re in the ring, and you’re fighting a UFC guy, and you’re done. So guys, we cannot, once they go historical, I almost said hysterical … historical, forget it, it’s over.


-[Lisa] Stay in the present day.


-[Ed] Number three. Thou shalt not name call. Oh!


-[Lisa] Have you ever said, “You’re acting just like your blank?”


-[Ed] ♪ Your mother!


-[Lisa] Or your … Dad.


-[Ed] Hm-mm. Okay, how many people in here, I’m not gonna raise my hand, nor is Lisa, well we will, how many married couples have ever called your spouse by their parent’s name before, just kinda joking around.


-[Lisa] Not joking around.


-[Ed] Oh, being serious, okay, being serious. Oh, we have some liars in the room. This is hilarious. I know in Miami we’re being honest. Only like four people did. I don’t believe that at all, you gotta be truthful.


-[Lisa] No, just you notice certain behaviors that …


-[Ed] Okay, how about have you ever though that? Forget saying it, maybe you’ve thought that. Lift your hand. Oh, every single hand is going up. God bless you from the balcony, I see them. Oh, and all the campuses.


-[Lisa] I’m just so impressed with those people who are so able to bite your tongue. Yeah, that’s good. So if you’re sitting next to somebody who is able to bite their tongue, then you need to get information from them, and figure it out.


-[Ed] Because we all turn into our parents.


-[Lisa] Right, but it is possible to refrain. The great thing is that we look at our relationships and yes, Ed came into our marriage with his what? Family background. Family background on how he … does life, on how he settles conflict, all these different things that are from his family of origin. I came into our relationship the same way. So, obviously there are traits that he has, that are positive from his family, and negative from his family.


-[Ed] And that’s why I said too Lisa, let me interrupt you for a second, which is a sin that I have, interruption. I love what you said about your family. Your family of origin was more structured, and you did things more, whereas, it probably sounded like I was talking about our family, not our family here, but my family of origin did not do as many familial things together as Lisa’s. Her family was planned, mine was like wahhh, out there. Her family, when it came to conflict resolution, you heard more conflict, and there was probably a little bit more threatening, okay? In your situation. In my situation, I didn’t hear very much conflict, because pretty much what Dad said, that was it, okay? So we brought that into our marriage, without any training, so you can see what the result of that would be. So it’s important, if you’re dating, talk about the style, talk about the conflict that you were brought up with.


-[Lisa] And don’t compare, that’s the next commandment. Number four, thou shalt not compare. Don’t compare your spouse to the spouse of a friend. Don’t compare your spouse to someone you’re seeing on television. Don’t compare your spouse to anyone. It’s not fair to compare.


-[Ed] It’s unfair to compare.


-[Lisa] And the only person we should aspire to be like is Jesus. That’s who we should be aspiring to be like. Now, I’ve had role models in my life. I’ve had role models in my life. Ed’s mother was a role model for me. She lived her life in such a godly way. That is awesome. If Ed were to say, oh wow Lisa, you’re so much like my mother in how she loved the Lord, then I would take that as a huge compliment. If he said, oh, you’re just like my mother, she scuffed her feet when she walked across the room, that would not be so much of a compliment. So … Right?


-[Ed] That’s right.


-[Lisa] Right, so it’s better, unless you’re offering a compliment, not to compare your spouse to anyone. And just celebrate who they are, and if there’s an issue you want to deal with, communicate it in the ways we mentioned earlier.


-[Ed] Number five, thou shalt not threaten.


-[Lisa] Threaten. What does that look like?


-[Ed] Well, if you don’t do blank, if you say that again, I’m going to blank.


-[Lisa] Right, so basically that’s if you’re not getting your way, you’re going to punish your spouse.


-[Ed] I’ll take my ball, and go home, kind of mentality.


-[Lisa] Yes, you’re gonna punish your spouse for hurting your feelings, right? And that makes you superior, because you’re the punisher, and we’re in a relationship together, and so our goal is to both be winners, and so when I threaten Ed, and demean Ed, and make him feel less than, I’m really doing that as well to myself. So don’t threaten, don’t hold things over their head.


-[Ed] Or divorce, don’t use the D word.


-[Lisa] Yes, which I think is one of the other commandemnts.


-[Ed] I know, but I just wanted to say that, just don’t.


-[Lisa] One of the other things with threatening too, and I think women do this. If our feelings are hurt, we’ll say, well, no sex for you. Seriously, and you hold that over your head, and what you have to consider, and what is your privilege to consider, is that you as a spouse, you are the gift to your spouse of the sexual nature. You are the sexual gift to your spouse. So to hold something sacred, and so beautiful back, to punish them, or threaten them, it’s just not right.


-[Ed] Number six. Wow.


-[Lisa] I’ve never heard Ed so quiet.


-[Ed] Thou shalt not—


-[Lisa] Is that not right?


-[Ed] That’s exactly right!


-[Lisa] Okay, good.


-[Ed] Yes, yes. Thou shalt not interrupt. That’s probably a motivator too, I’m serious, for guys to apologize so rapidly. We want to say, I’m sorry, will you forgive me? Let’s make love.


-[Lisa] Number six. Thou shalt not interrupt.


-[Ed] Thou shalt not interrupt, and that’s the sin that I have. And I’ve seen it, and I’ve watched it, and I’m sorry about that.


-[Lisa] Thou shalt not interrupt. One of the things in conflict is the ability to communicate, and if you’re constantly interrupting the person who is communicating, then you’re not being fair in the fight. So allow the person to speak their mind, wait your turn, and then share your response. However, don’t let your response be just a response to the words that they’re saying. Let your response be timely for the situation that is being dealt with. Too often, when Ed is talking to me, I’m thinking of retaliation. My response is going to be retaliation to the words he just said, rather than listening and absorbing the situation and saying, oh, let me process that, and then respond.


-[Ed] And you know what? Do not correct your spouse when he or she are telling stories. Let me say that again,-


-[Lisa] That’s not one of the commandments, but—


-[Ed] Yeah, it’s about interrupting. Don’t correct them. How many times have we been with someone at dinner. We talked to couples, and the husband or wife will launch into a story, and yeah, we went to Vale, Colorado—


-[Lisa] No, it wasn’t Vale it was—


-[Ed] It wasn’t Vale it was Yeah, and it seemed like we were going 30 miles– We weren’t going 30 miles an hour, it was about ten miles an hour. Yeah. I mean just shut up, and let your spouse tell the dang story.


-[Lisa] Because if you think about it, do those details really make a difference in the story? I think women are even more guilty of that that even men.


-[Ed] Well, I wasn’t going to say it, but … That can drive a man coo coo for cocoa puffs, but also too, here’s something else that I want to say, I just want to get this off my chest.


-[Lisa] As we were talking about the commandment, thou shalt not interrupt. Go ahead.


-[Ed] Okay, so you’re launching into a story, and the tendency is to interrupt, just let your spouse talk, okay? Also too, this is interesting, watch this, this is what I’ve noticed. Watch how a spouse … Watches and looks at their spouse, while the spouse is talking or sharing a story. You can tell in a nano second if they have a good marriage or not. Several nights ago, we were at dinner with a couple …


-[Lisa] I’m trying to look at you so meaningfully right now.


-[Ed] No, no, we were at dinner with a couple, and I just glanced over … It was amazing how they both would look at each other, and connect, and they were into the story. We’ve been with many other couples, many other couples. One’s telling a story, the other’s like


-[Lisa] Rolling their eyes. Number seven. Thou shalt not give up. That’s just the point at which you think, oh, I’m throwing in the towel.


-[Ed] Crash through quitting point.


-[Lisa] Crash through quitting points. Most problems are solvable. It’s a question of whether or not you have a hard heart. A hard heart towards your relationship. What do you need to do to soften your heart? Number eight. Thou shalt not keep score, or score-keep.


-[Ed] Yeah, don’t think, I’ve gotta have another W in the column. I’ve gotta have another W in the win column. I’ve got to, I’ve got to win, I’ve gotta win.


-[Lisa] Thou shalt not psycho analyze. Don’t become the arm chair expert. I know we’ve watched a lot of Oprah, and a lot of Dr. Phil, but really, other than the biblical truth, that we apply first to our own lives, before we share with our spouse anything, and if we’re using those good communication skills, then we’ll make it work right.


-[Ed] And let me say something about Dr. Phil. A lot of people don’t know this, this is Fellowship history. Dr. Phil, before he had the Oprah anointing, was a member of Fellowship church, and served in our parking crew. Doctor Phil!


-[Lisa] Yup, he did.


-[Ed] And he was out there, he was a monster. Big old, intimidating guy, you know? He had the parking vest on, it was skin tight. What don’t you get? And he was like, scaring people.


-[Lisa] He did not say that. Yeah, he hails from Irving, Texas.


-[Ed] Oh, he’s from Irving, all roads lead to and from Irving. Irving, Texas is the greatest—


-[Lisa] I don’t think he was born there, but he was there for a long time.


-[Ed] No, he wasn’t. Isn’t that great? Doctor Phil, Doctor Phil. We’ve got a lot of … One day I’m gonna do a message on all of the celebrities, and many of them I don’t recognize, who have cycled through Fellowship Church over the years. You wouldn’t believe it. We had Academy Award Winning actors, actress, producer, athletes, but really, it’s really funny. All the people that have come through here over the years. Anyway #humbled.


-[Lisa] Number nine. Thou shalt not psychoanalyze.


-[Ed] No, don’t do that.


-[Lisa] Leave the therapy to a licensed therapist. If you read a book, and you—


-[Ed] Someone was taking a picture, I just thought I would wave. Because what you were saying, I wasn’t really paying attention to. What were you saying?


-[Lisa] Cuz often times, we’ll read a book, and a self-help book for ourselves, but then we’ll start applying it to every single person we know, and the first person we try it out on is our spouse. So if you need to walk into a Christian counselors office, do that.


-[Ed] Go to counseling.


-[Lisa] Go to counseling. Number ten. Thou shalt not change lanes. Keep the issue the issue. Don’t veer off into other issues. Keep the issue the issue.


-[Ed] Well, what I’m doing is, when I’m getting a … Like when you’re beating me in an argument, I’ll tend to jump and change lanes real quick, because I don’t wanna absorb the– The heat.


-[Lisa] I’m gonna add two things to this.


-[Ed] Okay.


-[Lisa] Okay? These two things that I just thought of. Another thing that we have to remember. Don’t, when you have a conflict, don’t air it out in public. Don’t take your dirty laundry outside for everyone to see.


-[Ed] That’s so good.


-[Lisa] It is so important to remember that your marriage is sacred, and your conflict is sacred. And it’s only intended for very few people, and it’s a trusted counselor, or a trusted confidant, but that would be one or two people at the most. And I would say more likely one. But the first person who you deal with with your conflict is the spouse. So don’t air your dirty laundry. In keeping with that thought, when you’re at a party, or you’re at a social gathering, that is not a time to ever belittle your spouse in public. I hear conversations sometimes, and I think men are more guilty of this than anybody, well we’ve talked about our faults here, women’s faults, what women tend to do versus men. But to take a pot shot at their spouse. Demeaning, degrading, and it’s lathered up and packaged in humor, but that humor is hurtful. Don’t do that. If you need to take a potshot, or a humorous poke at somebody, take it to yourself, because the ability to laugh at yourself is a huge quality that makes us successful in life.


-[Ed] But you can joke each other.


-[Lisa] Yeah, we do, but you and I know that … You never belittle me in public. Never, ever, ever.


-[Ed] No, no! But we joke around a lot.


-[Lisa] Another thing too– Yes, we do, but we know the rhythm of out relationship. And, that’s something that must be communicated in private.


-[Ed] But you don’t belittle, like you don’t use your spouse as the butt of a joke, or…


-[Lisa] Right, right. Right, right, right. And you never do that with me or our family from this stage. And the reason you don’t do it from this stage, is because the bigger stage is the stage of life that he never does that to me, and hopefully and prayerfully, I never do that to him.


-[Ed] So truthfully, tenderly, timely, tactfully, ten commandments. That’s it. We’ve got the information about what marriage is, so now we have the application for what marriage does. Woo! Let’s pray together. Father, in all of our campuses, we pray for the marriages. Those marriages that are thriving, those marriages that are barely surviving. We pray for those who are thinking about marriage, those who are single, and you may be saying, you know, I don’t even have marriage on the horizon, but most will get married. Father, may we take this information, and apply it. May we live out the gospel. In Christ’s name we pray …