Description
LEAVING LUST VEGAS
On the 8th Day
November 23, 2007
Ed Young
ED YOUNG: How are you guys doing? Please be seated. I am Ed and this is Lisa. And welcome to Fellowship Church, if you’re one of ones at one of our many, many campuses. We welcome you down in Dallas, Fort Worth, Plano, Miami, and here in beautiful Grapevine. It is great to have you here. Today we are talking about sex. And we have embarked on this sex‑periment over the last seven days. We have challenged couples at Fellowship Church, married couples, to have sex for seven days. And of course we with haven’t commanded it but we suggested it. So I thought today we would talk about that and talk about seven things that should happen and have happened when we have sex over a week’s time.
LISA YOUNG: That’s great because there is such a depth to understanding how God created sex and placed it at the center and a huge part of marriages. So I believe marriages will be strengthened, they will be deepened, the intimacy level on all fronts, whether it’s the physical, emotional, the relationship between husband and wife will just be incredible because of this sex‑periment.
ED YOUNG: It is not that we don’t think about sex. We all think about sex but I don’t think we think deeply enough about it. Because whenever you connect God with sex or sex with God, people freak. And I think it has been really amazing, Lisa, to see the responses from people, how many have done the push back at first but now they’re warmly receiving this and welcoming and it’s causing a lot of people to think. It is also causing a lot of believers to do it in marriage. Because I don’t think we’re having enough sex in marriage.
LISA YOUNG: A recent poll says ‑‑ well you gave statistics last week that said 78 percent of fathers did not feel that they were sexually fulfilled; they were not having sex enough. And I saw a recent poll that said that couples who consider their marriages to be above average, 81 percent of them have a very active sex life. So it definitely is a barometer reading ‑‑
ED YOUNG: Yes, it is.
LISA YOUNG: ‑‑ a temperature gauge on how the marriage is going. And I like to talk about the romance or the connectivity with communication. Those are the things that just, to me, say so much about how the marriage is going. But the reality of it is, the depth of sex, the part that ‑‑ we forget how deeply God thinks of it, what a huge part it plays in our marriage. So now I’m coming to understand that that is really the temperature gauge.
ED YOUNG: It is, because what happens inside the bedroom affects what happens outside the bedroom and also what happens outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. So during these seven days of sex, yes, a lot of us have had a lot of sex. For some, maybe not that much.
LISA YOUNG: You can tell by those who are smiling.
ED YOUNG: Yes.
LISA YOUNG: But on that note, too, Ed, we also know that there have been a lot of issues dealt with this week. And we know that there has been some pain and hopefully there has been some forgiveness. If anything has come out of this ‑‑ because there is not an award for the seven day challenge but there is a reward of what God can do in your marriage. And if there has been some conflict and some difficult times, our prayer is that you’ve sought help, whether it’s going to a Christian counselor or going to a confidant, someone who can give you biblical understanding. Maybe you’re going to revisit some of the teachings of this series just to have that understanding of what God wants sex to be like in your marriage.
ED YOUNG: And almost every married couple we have talked to in years and years of teaching about marriage and sex and speaking at different conferences, almost every couple has said you know what, I wish we had more sex. And that’s why we have these stanchions up here because these stanchions represent, Lisa, some bedroom barriers that a lot of couples face. For example kids, and the next one is the career thing. So many of us have dual incomes and we’re going here and going there. This career thing is tough to balance. Then on top of that, the commitments.
LISA YOUNG: And my favorite, fatigue. Sometimes after all of this stuff you’re so tired.
ED YOUNG: And these are real barriers, real bedroom barriers. And I think the couples here have overcome a lot of these barriers because you have made good on the sex‑periment. And I have to confess this. I hate to confess this. Yesterday I had a very, very exhausting day.
I was up at 4:00 a.m. and had meetings and spoke and did a lot of stuff. When I got home the kids were acting crazy. We were trying to pack to leave for a trip. I was like; I’m just going to go back to our bedroom and lie down and close my eyes ‑‑
LISA YOUNG: And take a little quick nap.
ED YOUNG: ‑‑ and take a little quick nap because Lisa and I hadn’t done it yet. That’s why I said a little nap. So I went back there, closed the door and all of the sudden I was asleep. I was dead to the world.
LISA YOUNG: Well I have a confession too, because for the first time ever I went into the bedroom going Ed, wake up, you can’t go to sleep! I never would have done that if we weren’t in the middle of a challenge.
ED YOUNG: And here is what I said, I have never said this in my entire life. Honey, I’m too tired. Let’s just double up tomorrow. So I hate to confess that, guys.
LISA YOUNG: But don’t tell anything else.
ED YOUNG: But we should not be shy ‑‑
LISA YOUNG: Let’s talk about scripture or something else.
ED YOUNG: We are talking about scripture because we should not be shy to talk about what God was not shy to write about. It is really interesting, if you read just the book of the Song of Solomon, it is so vivid and so explicit, and a lot of the translators of the Bible were scared of the Hebrew because it talks about marital love between a man and a woman. It talks about the sacredness and the beauty and the holiness of the marriage bed. So my challenge and my hope to all of you would be keep on doing what you’ve done this week. In other words, you have made it through these stanchions, these barriers. Obviously you negotiated around them and look what happened. So that shows you, it shows Lisa and me, that we can do it more.
LISA YOUNG: It is all about priorities.
ED YOUNG: Yes, it’s all about priorities. And I think a great take home from this, because the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7, “Stop depriving one another” ‑‑ in other words, start fulfilling one another’s sexual desires ‑‑ I believe the take home is we should try to double up the amount of intimacy that we have in marriage. And when I say intimacy I’m not talking about holding hands in the park or a back rub. I’m talking about making love in marriage. Because God invented it, God made it so we can make it. We’re in marriage.
LISA YOUNG: So what your saying is outside of the seven day sex challenge if one is engaging in sex once a week ‑‑
ED YOUNG: Try twice a week.
LISA YOUNG: ‑‑ double up and try twice a week.
ED YOUNG: Because again, what happens here affects what happens there. And what happens there affects what happens here. So I want to go through, real quick, seven things. And I touched on four of these last time. Seven things that happen, Lisa, in this sex‑periment and I think these will be cool things. So I’m going to sit down on the bed and you can stand if you want to.
LISA YOUNG: I’ll stand.
ED YOUNG: Now the first thing that happens when we make love in marriage is we fulfill God’s purpose for our marriage. And that’s a huge thing to remember that we’re fulfilling God’s agenda that he has for a man and a woman.
LISA YOUNG: The second thing that we do is intimacy reveals our true self. That is one thing that I have found throughout this week that intimacy tells me, when I look at Ed I see my best and my worst and he sees his best and his worst. So it’s revealed my true self. And I have to come to terms with that in the sexual relation.
ED YOUNG: And that’s why we talk about the marriage being a mirror and we have written a book about this whole thing. Because when you do look at your spouse you see reflected back your best and your worst. That’s why so many marriages don’t have intimacy and so many marriages end up in the deep weeds because people don’t like what they see reflected back so they go from relationship to relationship and from bed to bed. And when it becomes too close or too intimate, they’re out of there. And too many people too, Lisa, I think can play hide and seek in the bedroom.
LISA YOUNG: But I think this week is like, game’s over. Because what we have all had to do, those who are participating in this challenge, is really take a close look at the issues in our own life and get those things right and out in the open so that we can move past the issues and get onto intimacy.
ED YOUNG: And when I say hide and seek in the bedroom I’m not talking about something crazy. I’m talking about, we side from sex, we hide from making love to our spouse because when we make love, we have got to reveal everything. Nakedness assumes, what? Intimacy, it assumes vulnerability. In marriage we’re economically naked, we’re spiritually naked, and we’re physically naked. So if we stay away from the bedroom, if we use all of these excuses ‑‑ and these are real excuses ‑‑ we will never have the intimacy, being into me, seeing into me, like the spouse should.
LISA YOUNG: The third thing that we find through the seven day sex challenge is that it thwarts sexual temptation. And I truly believe that this is such a huge thing for us to understand. If we can have great, fulfilling sex in marriage then we’re helping put an alarm system around our family, an alarm system around our relationship so that these outside forces ‑‑ pornography, lust, an extramarital affair ‑‑ can be thwarted and help defuse that.
ED YOUNG: And I don’t think either the husband or the wife realizes the role that they play in the lust quotient. Because a desire is from God and the way we steward our desires determines our destiny and our destiny determines our desires. So all desires are God driven. And when we do it and do them God’s way we will go to a whole notha’ level. When we don’t we’re going to meet a whole new devil when we are led around and when we bite the lure of lust. Because the devil does not practice catch and release.
LISA YOUNG: The fourth one is so great because all of us talk about, how can we leave a legacy? How can we make a difference for the next generation? And I am confident that, believe it or not, great sex in marriage is a huge part of building a legacy in our children. I know that Ed and I in our relationship, because so goes the intimacy sexually, so goes evidence of our forgiveness for one another, so goes our communication skills, so goes all those different things. And our children see that modeled out. Now, they don’t see the sacredness of our bedroom but they know that we have that intimacy because it is reflected in all these different areas. So when they go to get married, when they go to select a spouse, they’re going to be thinking so deeply about that relationship and what it means and what it stands for. And then also have a benchmark by which the romance, the creativity, the love and the spiritual leadership that they should be looking for.
ED YOUNG: Now the fifth thing is something that you don’t really think about so often when you’re having sex. The fifth thing is it highlights ‑‑ I’m talking about sex for 7 days ‑‑ it highlights the real “F” word, forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 ‑‑ it got quite ‑‑ Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another even has God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” So be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake forgiven you. Because Lisa, when you’re involved regularly with your spouse sexually, when you’re making love intentionally and creatively and lovingly, guess what? You’re going to have to deal with the with the real “F” word, forgiveness. You have to deal with those issues.
LISA YOUNG: And in that passage of scripture right before it, it says we have to overcome bitterness and anger and harboring ill feelings. And I have to admit, bitterness can be my friend. It becomes that attachment to me that I like to hold onto because ‑‑
ED YOUNG: You’re kidding.
LISA YOUNG: Well I think a lot of women have that. Guys can ‑‑ we can do something to a guy, I can do something to Ed and be mean and then I ask for forgiveness, he has forgiven me. It is just something that I struggle with so I’m assuming that other people do, as well. That is one of the huge barriers that get in the way of intimacy.
ED YOUNG: Sometimes you’re not going to have every little thing settled before you go to bed.
LISA YOUNG: But in our commitment to one other, when we said “I do” to one another, with that commitment it wasn’t a conditional commitment that well not tonight because we haven’t settled every issue. That wasn’t the type of commitment that we made.
ED YOUNG: We would never make love if that were the case.
LISA YOUNG: That’s probable true but I hope not.
ED YOUNG: I mean, there’s always going to be something.
LISA YOUNG: I got yah. You always have some things that you’re dealing with. Everything is not always perfect. But because of forgiveness and because we’re willing to say we’re committed, we will work this through. We will work this out. I see what you’re saying.
ED YOUNG: But too many couples go, everything has to be perfect for us to make love. It has to be a full moon and the birds have to be chirping and our song has to be on and the candles have to be from a certain company. So that’s what I’m saying.
LISA YOUNG: Well forgiveness is huge.
ED YOUNG: Yes, it is. I think, and I hope and I pray that we have gotten a lot of it out there and I want to challenge you again, if you keep facing those same issues, the same forgiveness issues, that’s when I would challenge you to walk through the door of a Christian counselor and talk about it. Because every marriage deals with the same stuff but the successful marriages negotiate around those stanchions and they deal with it.
Now the 6th thing that has happened and will happen is, it demands, I’m talking about when you make love regularly, it demands unselfishness. Marriage is all about unselfishness. It is about the other person. And whenever we have problems in our marriage, and believe me we do. Guess what? It is my bad. It is my bad. I am not seeking God. I am not listening to him and I’m kicking him out of the oval office of my life and I’m running the show. And that is when the wheels begin to fall off. It is like this book that was written several years ago. This author had a phenomenal title, “Lord, Change Me.” And I think so often I want to say but Lisa is not doing this and she’s doing this. And that’s fine and dandy but the bottom line is, I have to change before God what I can change as I defer and let him do the deal.
LISA YOUNG: It is easy to look at the faults and see what is wrong with someone else and not pay attention to yourself. But what I have to do is to put Ed’s needs above my own. But there is this point system out there that tries to take over my mind. And I’m thinking well but he did not consider me at this place or here in this area ‑‑
ED YOUNG: And the point system is real.
LISA YOUNG: And it’s real. So then I’m thinking, but if he only gave 40 percent then I’ll only give 40 percent. And that is not what Christ did for us. He gave 100 percent of himself and remember, the marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church. He gave himself for the church and we should be that type of ‑‑ Ed should be that with me, sacrificial love and so it’s 100 percent. It is not based on how he lives and he doesn’t base his action on my unselfishness. So it is all about fulfilling the needs and serving the needs of the other.
ED YOUNG: But what the scriptures say is that God’s grace is sufficient for today. I love that. Of course it is sufficient forever and ever but I think we so freak out about, what about next month and next year? It is for today.
LISA YOUNG: We get anxious about things in the future.
ED YOUNG: And the thing about the point system is, the score board is pretty much erased every day. But even sometimes when the points don’t look that good we still challenge couples, Lisa, to make love. Because this is the question that I want to ask you and this is one of the questions that a lot of people have asked us about this sex‑periment. What happens when one is not in the mood and the other is in the mood? What do you do? And the singles will ask this one. Well shouldn’t we have sex prior to marriage because it reveals to us if we’re sexually compatible? How do you answer those questions?
LISA YOUNG: Well, I will go be with the first one, the one is in the mood and one is not in the mood. Well we have always said, if you say no, say no with an appointment. Not today, maybe later tonight. Not tonight, how about tomorrow night. But that no is to be given with a legitimate ‑‑
ED YOUNG: I even did that last night. I said not tonight, I’m tired, tomorrow.
LISA YOUNG: Ed had gotten up very, very early that day and he had a full, full schedule. And things were going crazy and he just laid down and it was not tonight but with an appointment. But that’s the exception, not necessarily the rule. I believe that we, especially women, just don’t feel it all the time. We don’t have those feelings of love and romance. But again, we can act our way into a feeling rather than feeling our way into an action. And when you think like that then you’re willing to roll with it. Would you say that?
ED YOUNG: I would say that. In 1 Corinthians 7:5 the passage that we’re referring to, Lisa, it has revolutionized so many, many marriages over the years. And it has been incredible when people understand, both the man and the woman, the husband and the wife, when you’re unselfishness, when you’re loving one another like the Lord wants us to love, it’s not about me; it’s not about exhaustion; it’s not about being overly committed; it is not about the career or my kids; it’s about my spouse. That’s the most important relationship. Then you’ll have a very fulfilling and engaging sex life. Which transcends every single area in our marriage. So how I would answer my question, the other question I asked you, okay I’m single, I need to have sex to see if we’re compatible. And feel free to weigh in on this. No one is perfectly sexually compatible. If you think that, what in the world are you smoking? No one is.
LISA YOUNG: And Ed, think about the divorce rate of those who cohabitate. They cohabitate, they live together, and you’d think well then that must be the answer because they have figured out they’re sexually compatible so that works. But the divorce rate is the same if not higher for those who live together before marriage. So that doesn’t work.
ED YOUNG: You’re never going to be perfectly sexually compatible.
LISA YOUNG: There’s a faith portion. Just as it is by faith we are saved, there’s a faith in your marriage. And that’s an issue that I think we’re just not wanting to let God take care of. We just want to be in control of it because it’s a good excuse.
ED YOUNG: That is a lie. The parts fit. If you love one another selflessly and sacrificially, that’s going to take care of itself.
LISA YOUNG: Absolutely.
The 7th thing that we see through the seven day sex challenge is that it cultivates creativity. And I would say for Ed and I this, to me, has been huge. You think about seven days of sex, that can be monotonous. Let’s face it ‑‑ again, I’m telling you it is not about completing a task. It is about a deeper meaning. It is about loving one another in a more significant way and a more creative way. So it has helped us think more creatively about romance and about how to, I guess you could say, spice up our love life.
ED YOUNG: Yes, spice up our love life. Because romance and creativity go hand in hand. It is easy ‑‑ I think the guys we think I want more sex and yes, there is probably a legitimate point there. But I also think when we begin to have sex regularly to guys, it is like okay. Because we don’t want to think outside the box and be creative and be romantic ‑‑
LISA YOUNG: You don’t want to think outside the bed.
ED YOUNG: Yes, that’s right. We don’t want to think outside the bed. Whereas women, I believe, are more in touch with their creativity and romance. But women can work on that, too. A lot of women go to bed in those not tonight honey nightgowns. Guys, they kind of drop those hints early in the day like there is going to be no action tonight. I’m just exhausted. That happens. Then guys, we drop those hints too like we talk about football games being on. So it is interesting to me, the whole dynamic. But creativity is something too that snaps the heads of those who are not followers of Christ because they think, wait a minute; you can be creative in the marriage bed?
LISA YOUNG: Creativity is just something that is a product of our thought. We just have to be thinking about it.
ED YOUNG: We’re not talking about anything pornographic or entering into that world.
LISA YOUNG: Obviously not that. Take your cues from the Book of Song of Solomon.
ED YOUNG: I mean, you were talking about some friends of yours, some things they have done in this sex‑periment have been pretty cool.
LISA YOUNG: Yes. I have a friend who took a picture of her nightgown, her negligee, on the bed. Obviously she was not in it. She just took a picture of it lying across the bed. And she text it to her husband. I think that was pretty cool. And then she text a picture of a bath with rose petals and candles lit on it. That is just something ‑‑ I’m like, I didn’t think of that. I don’t know how to text real well so it wouldn’t have worked very well. I could have sent it to anybody so that would have been bad. Not good. But anyway.
I know when our kids were younger we would not eat dinner with them, have them eat, put them to bed and then have a picnic in our room with candle light. That was the romance and the creativity part.
ED YOUNG: And if you have teenagers, when it comes to kids, all you have to do is be like hey, your mom and I are going to get funky tonight. They won’t come near your bedroom. They won’t even approach you.
LISA YOUNG: They’ll be calling all of their friends, can I spend the night at your house tonight?
ED YOUNG: They’ll stay outside in the driveway. And people sometimes wonder, how do I get my twenty something to move out of the house? That’s how you do it.
LISA YOUNG: Those are seven great things.
ED YOUNG: They are. What I want the take home to be, Lisa, and I know you do, as well, is for all of us to see the significance of sex. Because we have such a time in our culture of devaluing it. You know, I of course, as you hear me say all the time, I love fishing. And one of my favorite past times is to tie flies. And when you tie flies you have to use different materials, different types of feathers and thread and things like that to make ‑‑
LISA YOUNG: It makes a huge mess.
ED YOUNG: It does, all around the house.
LISA YOUNG: But he makes some cool flies.
ED YOUNG: So when you tie the fly, though, you have to have one ingredient that solidifies the fly recipe. And do you know what it is? Super glue. You put super glue at the right spot on that fly, or epoxy, it just brings the fly together. It makes the fly durable and tough and it makes the fly work. Sex in marriage is the super glue. It is the epoxy that holds the entire recipe together. And for far too long the church has devalued it, we have not talked about it, we have been shy about it, and we have acted like sex is a secret when it’s just the opposite. So I would tell you, if you have said I do, do it. Do it in marriage. Do it intentionally. Do it regularly. Do it enthusiastically. God will bless your marriage and he will allow you to leave a legacy like you have never dreamed possible. We’re the sexperts. Let’s have sex and let’s do it God’s way as we continue to be his people.