Description
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF YOUR WORTH
SERMON SERIES
CONSTRUCTION SIGHT – BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM
IN OTHERS
MAY 1, 1994
ED YOUNG
This Wednesday morning I was jogging through a neighborhood in the area. I had my walkman on, listenng to the reports about the devastation that had taken place in the Metroplex due to the tornadoes. As I was listening to this – I was kind of locked in, concentrating on it – I made a left turn up a street where a number of houses were under construction. As I passed these houses I saw a car begin to swerve. The car put on brakes and a middle-aged woman looked toward the construction site. Her eyes were as big as saucers. I began to look in her line of vision, and I saw something that shocked me. In fact, it was something I had never seen before. A house, just hours earlier one month from completion, was completely torn apart. It had collapsed. I thought, here I was, hearing about the devastation of the winds, and now I’ve seen with my own eyes how powerful and forceful nature is.
Think about it, folks. We all have great power. God has entrusted all of us with power either to build up someone or to tear someone apart. Today we’re talking about Construction Sight. There are two things we can build into another person’s life that really make sense, that really are important. The first is to build into their lives the value of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ: to show them that religion is a dead-end street, to show them that they have to come to a point in their life where they receive forgiveness, where they receive the gift of salvation. That is the most important thing, the most important structure, that you can ever build in another person’s life. The second most impressive structure you can build is a healthy, dynamic self-esteem. It’s to show someone who they are in the eyes of God. It’s to show them that God loves them, that they matter to him, and that they matter to other people. Once a person comes to the conclusion that they know Jesus Christ and that they matter in the eyes of God, then they have a healthy self-esteem, a different attitude, a new outlook on life, and it really revolutionizes who they are.
This past week I looked at a photo album of my sister-in-law and her husband’s new house. They’re building a gorgeous custom home in Columbia, South Carolina. The first picture in this photo album is a scene of their two boys, Stephen and Nathan, leaning against the yard sign on their lot. It said, “Future Home Site of Smith and Laurie Parrish,” and named the builder. Behind them was this acre-and-a-half lot of giant trees, rolling hills – kind of like the Metroplex. It is a gorgeous place. I began to look through the pictures and it showed the men pouring the foundation, it showed the framework, it showed the finish-out work and all the sub-contractors working diligently to make this into a beautiful home, which indeed it is.
But as I was thumbing through that photo album I thought about God and I thought about how God looks at your life and at my life. When God sees you, when God sees me, He sees a lot. That’s right, you are a lot. A beautiful lot. If you know Jesus Christ, God has placed on that lot a sign that says “Future Customized Supreme Self-Esteem of Ed Young,” or “of Mark Metroplex,” or “of Molly Metroplex.” That should really fire you up. God says He will work overtime because He is the quintessential custom home builder. He says He will work overtime to make this incredible self-esteem structure in our lives. That’s great news. God accomplishes this by giving us building materials and supplies, and He sub-contracts you and me to help Him build a supreme self-esteem in others. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of power.
Question: how do I build a supreme self-esteem in others? Answer: I must look at every person as a Construction Sight. I spell the word sight S-I-G-H-T, because you’ve never locked eyes with a human being who doesn’t matter immeasurably to God. Every person you see – he matters to God, she matters to God. You’re a construction sight, I’m a construction sight. God wants us to help Him with the building process.
Today over the few moments that remain, I want to give you a five-step process of how to build a supreme self-esteem in others. While we’re going through this process, I want you to think about the people that God has placed around you: family members, a spouse, a best friend, people who work for you, your teammates. Many different scenarios and situations. Think about people where you know God is saying, “Hey, I’m sub-contracting you to build a self-esteem in that person’s life.” Today we’re going to take the word sight, S-I-G-H-T, and sight gives us this five-step building process. Every letter represents a major point.
S stands for support. Take your hot pink outlines, and if you have a pen or a pencil, fill it in. S stands for support their uniqueness. If I’m going to really build a supreme self-esteem in someone’s life, I’ve got to S, support their uniqueness. Let me say a word to those of you who are parents, and would-be parents. We have been given the awesome task of building the foundation of a supreme self-esteem for our children. During this series we said that the first sets of mirrors children look into to formulate their self-esteem are the mirrors of their moms’ and dads’ eyes. If they have reflected back to them “I matter, I’m worth something,” then you have a priceless gift, something that cash cannot buy, a healthy self-esteem. On the other hand, if you looked into the eyes of your parents and they reflected back to you a negative look, a reflection that you don’t really matter, that you’re a no-count, that you’re an accident, then you have a poor, damaged, collapsed self-esteem, exactly like the house I saw this Wednesday morning.
But God says, “Parents, I want you to support your kids, to build a foundation of a healthy self-esteem with your kids.” The way you do that is to applaud, it’s to cheer, it’s to support their uniqueness. Talk to parents who have more than one child, and they are utterly astounded at how different the children are. They’ll say, “Ed, it’s amazing. I brought them up the same way, in the same house, with the same disciplinary techniques, but they’re so different.” Honest parents will tell you this: “You know, that son, that daughter, who’s a chip off the old block or a spittin’ image of the parents, they’re easy to affirm. No problem.” “Hey, way to go, Junior! Just like dad! Yeah.” “Oh, honey, that’s so great. You know, I did the same thing when I was your age.”” It’s easy to affirm them, it’s easy to support their uniqueness, but what about the person, what about the child who is a little bit different, who doesn’t mirror mom and dad like the other one. That is where the difficulty comes in. How do you affirm them?
I talked to a father this past week, and this father came from an athletic background. He was really into football. His son, though, was inclined to music. This father said, “Son, you are going to play football. It teaches you discipline, it teaches you how to really be a man. Forget this music stuff. You are going to do what I did.” This father tried to take his son, put him on a giant photocopier, and say, “You’re going to be just like me.” This father didn’t know it, but he was systematically destroying, and he has destroyed, his son’s self esteem by making fun of his interests.
Question: did this father love this son? No doubt about it. Yes, he did. But he didn’t support him. He didn’t demonstrate his love. If I asked parents here, “Parents, how many of you love your children,” every single hand would go up. Except maybe one family, who would say, “Could you please repeat the question?” Then I would repeat the question, “Do you love your children?” “Oh, yes we do. We love our kids. We really, really do.”
Parents, it’s time to have your cages rattled a little bit. I want to ask you, “Do you really demonstrate that love?” To support a child’s uniqueness you have to love them strategically. That’s why the Bible says that love does not demand its own way. Look at the life of Jesus. Take Peter, for example, one of his followers. You’re talking about an extrovert, a type-A personality. Then on the other hand you have Matthew, a very detailed person, in my opinion more of an introvert. Jesus supported and applauded the uniqueness of each of these two men equally. That’s a word to us.
Parents, let me give you a couple of suggestions. Compliment your child’s uniqueness. Tell them over and over again how much you love them, and show them how much you love them. Even if little Johnny is five years old, and he’s into music, Dad, and you’re into football, learn about music. If you learn about music when little Johnny is young, then as he grows older he will include you as a part of it. That is loving him strategically. Also, as I said earlier, don’t try to make a carbon copy of yourself. Children are different, parents are different, and we’re made to be different by God. So applaud their differences. Don’t compare them to another child, please. That’s making a mockery, as we’ve said here, of God’s creative genius. Again, you’re tearing apart their self-esteem.
Let me now change gears. We’re still talking about supporting people’s uniqueness. Let’s talk to those of us who manage people. Do you support the folks that work for you? Do you support their uniqueness? Because what I see, often, and sometimes I have to fight this, is that we like to change people around us into who we are, don’t we? “Well, ah, you’d better be a self-starter like I am. You’d better be aggressive like I am. You’d better go out and get this client like I would. If you don’t, well, you’re a no-count, you’re no good, you don’t measure up, you just don’t have it.” Again, it’s systematically destroying a person’s self-esteem. Spouses, do you applaud your husband or your wife’s uniqueness? Do you support it? It’s the first step in building a supreme self-esteem.
The second step begins with the letter I: inspire. We have to support their uniqueness and then inspire them with responsibility. Responsibility. You’re saying, “Now, Ed, if I give someone responsibility that will build someone’s self-esteem? I don’t understand the relationship here.” I call responsibility a self-esteem steroid. You give someone responsibility, a child, a co-worker, and you can watch the self-esteem sprout.
Here’s what I’m talking about. It says in Proverbs 11:13, “You can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy.” I like to say that nothing builds a self-esteem quicker than giving someone responsibility. Parents, it’s allowing your child to borrow the car, to use dad’s tools, to help in the kitchen, to go to summer camp. In the marketplace: I remember, ten years ago, the first time my supervisor walked in my office and said, “Ed, we want you this Sunday to give the morning prayer.” “Whoa!” That was a self-esteem steroid, responsibility. Are you really doing that? Or are you hovering over people, always looking over their shoulder? Overprotection is a form of rejection. Have you ever worked with someone like that? Have you ever had a parent like that?
We grew up in Columbia, South Carolina, and down the street, four houses down, lived the Blackstone family. They had three boys: Rip, Fred, and Lawton. The Blackstones were a unique group, because you had to always play in their yard. They would not let you go to any other neutral site. You had to play in their yard, and they loved athletics. Almost every day, Ben and I would take our bikes down the street, dump them off, and play athletics with the Blackstones.
One afternoon, we were playing touch football. The Blackstones were not allowed to play tackle, so we played touch. Anyway, Rip went back to pass and my brother and I – we didn’t mean to – just kind of knocked him over. We began to pick him up: “Rip, is everything okay?” He was okay, maybe one little scratch. Out of nowhere, it looked like Jack Ruby when he shot Lee Harvey Oswald, Mrs. Blackstone – “I cannot believe it! That’s all for today! You’re going home! Rip Blackstone, I’ve told you to never touch the grass! You get up and go right inside!” These kids were like this and you could scrape their self-esteem off the turf. It was pathetic.
Now, that’s a true story. The Blackstones were great young men, and I haven’t talked to Rip and Fred a lot in the last 25 years, but I’ll tell you this: they have some major damage to their self esteem, major league. Overprotection. So inspire people with responsibility.
See the next verse of scripture? These words were uttered by Jesus himself, and don’t miss this, right before his ascension. Here’s what Jesus did. “As the Father has sent me,” that’s right, the Father gave Me responsibility, “So I am sending you.” Circle the word you. Who is he talking to? He’s talking to His disciples, because Jesus trusted the salvation of the world to His disciples, He gave them the ball of ministry. He said, “Here it is, guys, responsibility.” Can’t you see the disciples? Whoa, talk about self-esteem builders! You’re talking about that self-esteem steroid, they had it.
Are you trying to do everything yourself, people-managers? Parents, are you trying to do the Blackstone thing and hover over people, “That’s all for today!”? There’s a balance there, only led by the Holy Spirit, where you’ve got to release, and you’ve got to give, and you’ve got to let them do things and watch the self-esteem structure grow before your eyes.
Now we go to letter G. G stands for give. We’ve got to give criticism carefully. Criticism — again, I know it seems crazy — criticism in the right way, confrontation in the right way, builds a person’s self-esteem. I’ve got to give correction carefully. I’ll never forget, five years ago I was sitting on the beach in Padre Island. I had taken a church camp down there, and and there were about 700 young people. I was talking to a senior in high school, and this guy began to cry. I said, “Bill, what’s wrong, man?” He said, “Ed, my parents don’t love me.” I said, “I know your parents! Yeah, they do!” He said, “No, they don’t.” I said, “Name one reason why your parents don’t love you.” He said, “Because they let me get away with murder.”
What was he saying? He was saying that discipline is one of the acid tests of value. You see, our kids are screaming out for discipline, careful correction. They want, parents, for us to confront their character faults. They keep testing and they keep inching their way across the line, and if you don’t say anything, it’s devastating. They’re out in the deep weeds with regard to their self-esteem. How often do you confront their character faults? When you speak the truth in love to them, when you tell them they are out of line, it builds a self-esteem. Children will think in their minds, as you’re disciplining them they’ll think, “Whoa. I really must have value for mom and dad to take this much time, energy, and effort to keep me out of the weeds. Wow. They don’t want me to shipwreck my life. Yeah.”
Will your kids tell you that? No. I’ve never heard mine say, “Mom, thanks for grounding me. My self-esteem really needed a boost.” E. J. doesn’t say, “Ed, thanks for tapping my hand, because I was really sagging in regard to my self-esteem.” It doesn’t happen that way. But, the Bible says, your children will come back and call you blessed, and thank you and affirm you for doing that. Now, I’m not talking about becoming a Bobby Knight disciplinary freak, but I am talking about setting parameters. When they cross the line, there are consequences.
Let’s turn it back to the marketplace. How about that, those of us that manage people? How do you confront and correct character faults? A lot of us say, “Well, I know what I’ll do. I’ll pull out the big guns. Someone makes a mistake in my organization, boom, boom, boom. Intimidate and ventilate, that’s me, because I want it clear to the organization that when they make a mistake, hey, they’ve got to deal with me. There are no mistakes that will be tolerated around here.” For a while, that mentality works, it really does. But over time, here’s what happens. Seeds of rebellion are sown and the people that work for you begin to feel like mindless robots. They’re not creative anymore. They can’t think for themselves anymore. They’re afraid to take a risk or even to think, because they might make a mistake!
I played for a high school coach in Houston, the worst coach I’ve ever seen in my life. Let me tell you why he was bad. He was great in practice, but in a game, if you made one mistake, you were out. “Okay, Ed, you ready to go back in now? Don’t make a mistake!” “Okay, coach!” Oh, I forgot to pass to that guy. “You’re out.” Our team was so intimidated, here’s how we came onto the court for the warmups. “Oh, no, I missed a shot at warmups!” You know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen children like that, and I’ve seen organizations that are run like that.
But are you really speaking the truth in love? Are you really doing your stuff? Are you giving criticism carefully? It says, “Do not,” Ephesians 4:29, “use harmful words, use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” I always think about this. When I confront someone, or my children, I also build up. When I confront, I also construct. “Love,” it says, “looks for a way of being constructive.” 1 Corinthians 13:4. Do you look for a way? Do you really look for those opportunities? “Oh, I’m going to construct!” Well, you can construct by confronting.
That brings us now to the H letter. H stands for the word hear. If I’m going to build a self-esteem, I’ve got to hear their messages. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen.” We’re quick to speak, but are we quick to listen? That means to concentrate. Quick to listen. I’ve got hear people’s messages. When they talk to me, I’ve got to take it in.
Don’t you hate it when you’re talking to someone and they’re always looking to improve their conversational lie? Like in golf, you know, you have a bad lie and you say, “Well, that’s no good, I’ll kick it somewhere else.” I talk to people sometimes: “Ed, how are you doing? . . . Oh, yeah, I enjoyed it.” They’re off to someone else and you were right in the middle of a conversation. Or, I call them the pounce people. You’re talking, you’re explaining something, and you have a little break, a little silence, and they pounce in the middle of the conversation, “But did you know what happened to me? I did this, I did that, and this is me and this is that.” They won’t let you talk. They’re destroying someone’s self-esteem. Do you watch a person’s body language? Are you really hearing them? Are you really listening to them?
Teenagers were asked in a poll, what do they think about when they see their parents? Over 90% said they see a giant Mick Jagger mouth. Always, “You’re no good. You need to do better.” They said they wish they could see a giant Dumbo-size ear. Parents, if you listen to your children when they’re young, it’s a self-esteem foundation, and when they’re old, they’ll still talk to you. You listen. Become a good listener. When someone messes up in the marketplace, people managers, listen to them. Sit them down and say, where did it go wrong? Did I explain myself?” Go along those lines. There are some times, though, when you have to terminate someone. That happens. For self-esteem purposes, if they’re in the wrong line of work, you’ve got say, “I think it would be better for you to do this.” Hear. Hear, and listen.
That brings us finally to the letter T. That stands for touch. Touch their hearts. UCLA conducted a study and this study said that for men and women to maintain emotional and spiritual health, they need at least eight to ten meaningful touches a day. I said that one time at a marriage retreat, and a husband did this to his wife: “One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight. Yeah, got it.” No, that’s not what I’m talking about. And I’m talking about non-sexual touching. There’s power in a touch. One-third of our five million feeling receptors are located right here in our fingers. So it’s important to touch.
Especially hug and love your children. If you don’t, your children will settle for the first cousin of love, which is attention. When you see someone causing problems, many times – I’m talking about a child, a teenager – they’re settling for the first cousin of love, attention. You’ve got to hug and love and nurture your kids. You’ve got to touch people. You’ve got to touch them. And when I say touch, I also mean affirmation, to compliment them, to write notes of encouragement, to say, “You can make it. You’re great. I appreciate you. I value you. Thank you for being part of the team. We couldn’t do it without you.” I’m not talking about fake stuff, I’m talking about real stuff. Once you get into this habit the way Jesus did, people around you will look and say, “Wow, I remember when that guy just had an empty lot, and now look at that structure being built. I remember when that girl just had a couple of foundational pieces and now look.” It’s amazing what will happen.
Isn’t God great to include you and me in helping someone along with their self-esteem? Now, very quickly, to conclude, I want you to look back at these five principles. Look back, read them, and just think about them for a second. Support uniqueness. Inspire with responsibility. Give correction or criticism carefully. Hear their messages. Touch their hearts.
I’ve got a secret for you. I just described the character qualities of Jesus and how Jesus treats you and me. He does the same thing to us. You can’t build self-esteem into someone’s life unless you have the materials, unless you know Jesus Christ personally. That’s the first thing. The second thing is this: a lot of us have the supplies, but we’re not doing a thing with them. We’re just standing there. We see all of these contruction sight around us, and Jesus says, “Okay, Ed, there’s the mortar. There are the bricks. There’s the truck. There’s everything to do it.” “Well, no, I don’t really want to do it.” We just stand there. I want you to get in on it. It will be one of the greatest things you’ve ever done, as you help someone with their journey to the center of their worth, by constructing a beautiful self-esteem.