Description
IT’S AP-PARENT SERMON SERIES
WATCH YOUR BALANCE – RAISING WELL ROUNDED CHILDREN
ED YOUNG
AUGUST 21, 1994
You have just witnessed an incredible display of balance by our very own Elizabeth Lucas. Elizabeth, a phenomenal job. I have never been that close to a world class gymnast like yourself. Tell me, how long have you been involved in gymnastics? (Response) About four and a half years. Four years. And how long do you have to practice a week to have the balance that you have? (Response) About twenty-four to thirty-five hours. Twenty-four to thirty-five hours a week! I think this young lady deserves another round of applause. Elizabeth Lucas. Thank you, Elizabeth.
That’s something else, isn’t it? You know gymnastics and parenting are a lot alike because they both require a great deal of balance. It takes a lot of balance to be a great gymnast, a lot of balance to be a great parent. In fact, if I could bring up every parent here on this stage and ask you this question, “Parent, what is your goal, what is your focus as Moms and Dads?” I believe all of us would say in unison, “Ed, our goal is to rear balanced and whole children.” No, it is not my goal to have a son who is on the front of a Wheaties box or a daughter who is on one of the runways in Milan, it is to have a well-balanced child. Parents, we know what we want but the problem is, we don’t know how to do it.
Something you have to understand though. It takes training to be a great gymnast, you heard it from Elizabeth. It takes training to be a great parent. So if you want balance you have got to train. That is why the Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6, the first verse here on your outline, it says “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” The word train is a word of order, a word of organization. Elizabeth’s coaches four years ago didn’t just say, “Well Elizabeth, you know, if you want to train, you train, if you don’t feel like it today, well that’s OK, no problem.” Her coaches, you talk to them after the services and we will recognize them in a few moments, her coaches said, “Elizabeth, you have got to do A, B, C Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then Tuesday and Thursday you have got to do F, G…” They had everything spelled out. We cannot just capriciously or haphazardly parent, we have got to have a system, we have got to have a training schedule. So, over the next couple of moments, I want to give you a training schedule, parents, not a gymnastics schedule but a child-rearing training process. If you want well-balanced children, you listen. If you don’t, just count ceiling tiles.
The first aspect of training you have got to grasp is something called image training. Image training. Twelve years ago Lisa and I got married and someone was kind enough to give us a unique gift, a red plate. That’s right, they gave us a red plate. One red plate. But this red plate is not your typical, ordinary, run-of-the-mill red plate. This is a you-are-special red plate. That’s right, right in the middle of this red plate in white letters are the words YOU ARE SPECIAL TODAY. It is kind of a Young family tradition. Every time something special happens in one of our lives, or maybe we have had a bad day, maybe I have preached an “off” sermon or whatever, Lisa will serve our meal on this you-are-special plate. Last week our seven year old daughter, LeeBeth, started the second grade, a big day for her, a lot of pressure, a lot of anticipation. And that evening at about six o’clock Lisa was setting the table and LeeBeth saw the red plate right in front of her chair and she goes, “Mommy, do I get THE plate tonight?” And Lisa said, “Uh-huh”. And LeeBeth goes, “Yes, yes, I am special.”
Moms, dads we are in the “you are special” business. We really are. I will say it now, like I’ve said one hundred times from this platform, the greatest gift you can give your children next to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, is to build within them a healthy, dynamic, positive self-esteem. Some of you, though, when I say the word self-esteem, you are saying; “Well, Ed, there it goes again, that fad term, that psychological mumbo-jumbo. It will come and go. Self-esteem, come on, let’s get real.” But the Bible throughout its pages talks about the dignity, the value of man, to see ourself the way God sees us. And parents, you talk about something you have to work on more than any other area in parenting, it’s giving your child a self-esteem.
If you are going to do this though, you have got to become three things. See those three blanks there on your outline? Parents, you want to build a great self-esteem in your child, first of all you are going to have to become a diver. A diver. Put on the mask, the fins, the snorkel, the tank for a self-esteem builder and become that Lloyd Bridges, Jacques Cousteau diver. The book of Proverbs explains it well. In chapter 20:5, it says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Parents, let’s personalize this verse and read it again. “The purposes of a child’s heart are in deep waters, but a parent of understanding draws them out.” Here is the picture, here is the context of this verse. The purposes, the value of a child, it’s kind of like sunken treasure, and parents we put on the mask, the fins, the tank, the snorkel and we see the treasure and we dive down and bring the value, we bring the treasure out of a child.
I remember a couple of years ago we went to Destin, Florida on a vacation. And I was snorkeling about one hundred yards from shore trying to retrieve some sand dollars from the bottom, it was a real trip, you know. That crystal clear water, the sugar white sand and suddenly something red caught my eye and I dove down eighteen feet and I looked and I said, what in the world could this be, and I got some air, dove back down, began to uncover the sand and the debris and I pulled a box to shore. I was so excited, I thought maybe it was sunken treasure. Pastor finds billion dollar treasure off Destin, Florida. I was really fired up. So I open the box and take a wild guess what it was. A brand new tool set. Now you know my gift is not mechanics. But I will have you know, yesterday I was working on some fishing equipment and I used one of the tools yesterday morning.
Moms, Dads, our children, their self-esteem, their value, their dignity, it is like hidden treasure and we are to dive down, not to stay on the surface and snorkel, we are to dive down to uncover the debris, to take it out and help them use their unique tools. What kind of diver are you, parents?
Not only do we have to be divers, we also have to be sharpeners. That is the second blank. Sharpeners. The Bible says in Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” The picture here is an ax, a dull ax, being sharpened by a whetstone. There is contact there, sparks are flying, but that dull ax becomes a sharp instrument. Let’s personalize this verse, parents. It might read this way. “As iron sharpens iron, so the parent sharpens the child.” You cannot sharpen a child, parents, from a distance. When I taught our daughter how to ride a bike, I didn’t teach her how to ride a bike in my kitchen while sipping cappuchino and saying “LeeBeth, (beth, beth echo), get up (up, up) again (again, again) everything will be OK (K, K, K).” I didn’t do that. I was out there with her, right there beside her, saying you can do it, picking her back up, hugging her, wiping off the dirt and the scratches and the blood until she made it. Parents, you have got to have that contact, we have got to become sharpeners. And your children won’t always like this sharpening process because it is not that fun. But you will thank God for it. Parents, what kind of sharpener are you?
The third thing we are to become is we are to become reflectors. Reflectors, old-fashioned, run-of-the-mill, crystal clear reflectors. Again we turn to Proverbs 27:19. “As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man.” It says, if you want to see your reflection something has to assist you. Water will assist you. You look into a mud puddle or a very still Texas mill pond and you can see your reflection. The water helps us. The Bible says, to really see who you are, another part of a person, another human being needs to reflect back to you who you are, to really help you see your significance, how much you matter to God, others and your parents. What an interesting thing. So you might read that verse like this, “Parents, as water reflects the face so a parent’s heart reflects the heart of a child.” We have talked about this before, the first set of mirrors children look into have to be the eyes of their parents. And if they have reflected back positive images, images that, whoa, you are something else, you are one of a kind, then they usually come up with the conclusion that God wants them to come up with, a healthy self-esteem. If they don’t, then it can lead to a life of misery. So, how about this image training thing?
But you can do these three things, you can become a diver, you can become the sharpener, you can become the reflector and still miss it and still not build that healthy self-esteem. Because when you are involved in these three aspects, you also have to cloth everything in TLC. I would write that in your margin. TLC. T stands for a touch. The largest organ of the body is our skin, and the skin craves to be touched. Hug your children, parents. Hug your spouse. Love your spouse in front of your children. When you touch your children it says, “I am worth something, I am really important.” It communicates eons to those children. T. L stands for a look. We are professionals, parents, at giving looks like this (visual demonstration) or this (visual demonstration). An affirming look can be a permanent photograph in the scrapbook of your child’s mind and they will carry this photograph with them the rest of their days. TLC. C stands for a comment. When was the last time you looked at your son or your daughter and said, “You know, if I had a choice, if I could talk to God right now and say, God, I want a little boy with arms that look like your arms, with a face like your face, with a laugh like your laugh, with a run like your run…I would pick you. I love you so much, Son, (or I love you so much, honey).” Words of affirmation. And Moms and Dads, this thing doesn’t stop when they are eighteen years of age. Building self-esteem until your children get into their sixties, does it stop then, no, eighties, if you are still around. It never stops. It is a never ending process. You might be thinking, well Ed, my sons and daughters will get the big head if I always compliment them and affirm them all the time. It is your job to give them the big head, no one else is. You think their classmates will give them a great self-esteem or a coach or a teacher or a boss? It never stops. I am thirty-three years of age, and I never tire of hearing my parents affirm me. They called us last week from Hawaii and my Mom said, “Ed, what are you speaking about tomorrow.” And I said “Mom, I am beginning a series on parenting.” She goes, “Tell me about the series.” I told her about it and she said “Honey, that sounds great. I am sure that is going to be a super sermon.” I felt wonderful. I am thirty-three.
Do you remember when Jesus was being baptized? Thirty years of age, He was starting His public ministry. Before the multitudes there, God the Father said from the heavens, “This is my Son in Whom I am well pleased.” Words of affirmation. Image training.
We also have to do something called skill training, parents. Skill training. S K I L L training. How good are you at skill training? It is not enough to give a son or a daughter a healthy self-esteem, that is not enough. It is not enough to communicate their value. You also have to communicate to them that they can do something, and you have to teach them to do something. You have to teach them and give them responsibilities. I get tired of parents who tell me, “You know my son, Bobby, he is really a nice guy. We tell him every day he is a treasure and he is worth something even though he is failing school and he is a discipline problem, we keep telling him, you are a treasure, it doesn’t really matter how you perform.” The problem with that line of thinking, parents, is that being just a person who has a good self-esteem will not necessarily develop you a diploma on a silver platter. It won’t put clothes on your back. It will not secure you a position in the business world, by just feeling good about yourself. You have got to do something. You have got to learn something. And parents mess up when they do everything for their children, they won’t let them do a thing. They always just rush in and rescue them, “Oh, you can’t do that right, let me show you how to do it.” “Ok, try it.” “No, you are still messing up, let me show you how to do it.” I know parents who rescue their children in every situation, in every facet of their lives and when they grow old, they don’t know how to do anything, and they have no confidence.
Jesse, not Jesse the body ventura of WWF fame, but Jesse, David’s father, as in “a man after God’s own heart”. Jesse walked up to David when he was a teenager, in junior high school, and he said, “David, I want you to take care of all of my sheep.” And David said, “I will, father.” And he hit the hillside and David took care of his father’s sheep. His father knew that he would have to tackle lions, tigers and bears. He probably taught him how to do the slingshot thing. But David was stretched at an early age. David had challenges before him in a wide variety of areas. You look at any competent man or woman of God and you look in their past and I’ll guarantee you they had parents who gave them a wide range of challenges and opportunities. And that brings us to our point of application, parents. Present your children (see that) present them with challenges in a wide variety of areas; athletically, domestically, artistically, and every other “ally” you can think of.
Also, this next point, don’t blow this one, parents. Encourage them to persevere. No, I don’t know how to spell that, just do it the best you can. Encourage them to persevere. Encourage them to persevere. Encourage them to problem solve. Encourage them when they see a road block, to crash through it. I learned this at a young age. I grew up in the country in South Carolina. We lived on a dirt road across the street from a twenty-five acre lake and in our front yard, we had a flower bed. And for some reason my parents were focused on having all of these wonderful flowers in this flower bed. One morning my father was going to work, it was during the summer, and he said, “Ed, I want you to weed the bed.” Now to a little nine year old kid this bed looked like a one hundred yard football field. I go, “Wow.” “Ed, I am expecting you to weed the bed.” Let me tell you what kind of weeds we had in this bed. Nut grass. Have you ever tangled with nut grass before? That stuff, man, you can lose your religion like that (snap of the fingers) dealing with it. I began to try to pull this nut grass out and I pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled, my little fingers were cramping, I was getting upset. Finally after about forty-five minutes I just, hey, I just kind of blew that off, went inside and started drinking some lemonade and eating peanut butter and crackers and watching Gilligan’s Island. Dad comes home and he said, “Son, the weedbed is not complete. I asked you to do something and you didn’t do it.” And he put both hands on my shoulders and he said, “Ed, I am expecting you to have the weedbed weeded by the time the sun goes down. But even if it is nighttime, you are going to do it.” I said, “Dad, it’s too hard, let’s buy some kind of weed spray or something.” And then he told me these words. He said, “Ed, everything in life that is worth it, is hard. Work is hard. School is hard, you are finding that out, aren’t you. Athletics is hard. Marriage is hard. Church work is hard, son. You are going to have to do it. So I want you to find a way to get rid of the nut grass. And sure enough, the sun, I think, was setting when I completed the task. That is what I am talking about. How many challenges, how many opportunities are you giving your children? I am not saying, remove yourselves, parents. I am not saying it is wrong to show then how to do it now and then. But let them fail. And let them persevere and then they will develop this self-talk and say, you know what, I can do some things. I might not be a star, I might not be the smartest in the class but if I stick with it, I can do it.
There is another aspect of training that we have got to get involved in…relational training. Yes, relational training. It is amazing the advancements we have made over the last thirty years in every realm of life, except relationships. Relationships are disintegrating at a record pace. The divorce rate has quadrupled over the last thirty years. Isn’t that kind of strange? We have forgotten how to talk. We have forgotten how to get involved in dialogue, or ask questions. Teaching relationships. And I believe that is why so many young people involve themselves in drug usage or pre-marital sex. It is because when they get with a friend or a member of the opposite sex they can’t talk, they don’t know anything about developing a solid relationship so they just have sex or do dope. And it scars them for life. And Moms and Dads don’t know how to teach it to their children. Because the children are kind of numbing out in front of television screens, movie screens, video game screens, they are kind of just checking out of life. Parents we have to teach it. That is why I have here on my outline, we have got to help them (that is talking about children) describe their feelings. “Ed, you mean feelings have to do with dialogue? What are you talking about?” I am talking about this. Parents, get into the habit of asking your children questions centered around their feelings. If you say, “Sally, how was school today.” Don’t stop there when she says, “Fine.” Then follow it up by saying “Sally, how did you feel about school today.” “Jim, how do your friends make you feel?” And then, you will see your children, that’s right, they will start sharing with you, Mom and Dad, their feelings. But Mom and Dad, you be ready to share your feelings when they share their feelings with you. And you are teaching, you are modeling what it means to connect and to communicate. You are teaching them the foundation for building strong friendships, strong marriage relationships and even, the implication centers around, sharing Jesus Christ with their friends.
Another thing I want to encourage you to do. I want to encourage you to model reconciliation. That is the R word we hate to hear, don’t we? Model reconciliation. Last week our house was getting a little bit chaotic, both babies crying, EJ talking, LeeBeth screaming, we are kind of a loud family and I said something to Lisa that I shouldn’t have said. I was out of line. And I said it in front EJ and LeeBeth and they kind of looked at me and I said, “Oh oh, man, I should not have said that.” In my mind I am thinking this. Then I thought, you know what, I will wait until later on and then I can apologize one on one to Lisa. And then I started thinking about this whole aspect of reconciliation and I thought, you know what, how in the world will EJ, LeeBeth and then Laurie and Landra when they grow older, how in the world will they know what to do when a relationship has a problem? They have got to see Mom and Dad model reconciliation. So I swallowed up my manhood and pride and ego and selfishness, men, and said “Lisa, will you forgive me, I was out of line?” And she said, “Yes.” And I saw LeeBeth just checking the whole situation out. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that everything in marriage is just blissful romance, a bed of roses. And I know some people who tell me, you know what, I never saw my parents argue. Never. Never did. Because they always went behind closed doors, they were always away in a restaurant alone. And yes parents, you have to talk like that, you have to resolve conflict like that, but you also need to resolve conflict in front of your children to model to them the art and the value of reconciliation. You have got to. That is why the divorce rate and friendships are falling apart, because they have never seen it modeled, so if there is a problem, well, too bad. My parents have never argued before or fought. Well, I’ll see you later, I am going to move from this relationship to the next relationship, from this marriage to the next marriage. Show them how to hang in there and persevere and reconcile.
Now let’s jet to the last area of training. And some of you are thinking, “Ed, I knew you would say this, spiritual training. I knew it.” And I am going to talk about it. But let me stop here before I get into spiritual training and say something. A lot of misguided parents say, if I give my child a great self-esteem, if I give them responsibilities and skill training, if I show them how to really relate, then that’s enough. That’s it. I’ll launch my child into the world with great velocity. If you do that you are kind of like the two airplane pilots I heard about recently. They were flying and they radioed into the tower and they said, “You know, our instrument panel is all broken and our compasses are fouled up, we have no clue where we are going but we’re sure making good time.” They were going fast, but where were they going? And a lot of these laser age kids are going fast but they have no direction. If you are without direction, you are involved in a dangerous process. It is just a matter of time before the vessel crashes. You cannot neglect this spiritual area.
I hear parents though proudly proclaim to their peers, “You know I am just going to let my children come to their own conclusions spiritually. That is what I am going to do. I just want them to soak it in and they can choose what they want to do with their life.” The flaw with that line of thinking is, it is impossible to hang around the planet and not receive some sort of value, parents. Who is going to be there to answer the “Where am I going and what is the meaning of life?” questions your children will ask you? Who will be there to answer the “What’s really right and what’s really wrong?” questions? The Bible says it has got to be Mom, it has got to be Dad. The Bible never tells us to force Christianity on our children in a militaristic, stifling type situation, it tells us to model it, it tells us that life is a classroom. Life is a learning center. And I love Deuteronomy 6:6-7. It says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts, impress them on your children, talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” So we are to do this, parents, we are to communicate spiritual values (see the first dot on your outline) with creativity and love. I am to communicate spiritual values with creativity and love. And you are saying, “Well Ed, I am not a creative guy, I am not a creative girl, I don’t know how to do that.” Here is a modern day application. Sit down with your child and watch a network television show together and, for example, say something like this, Dads. “Jim, see those ten guys there on the television drinking themselves under the table? They are just drunk. Don’t you think the Bible is wise when it says do not consume alcoholic beverages to a point of drunkenness? Don’t you think God knew what He was talking about when He mentioned the dangers of alcohol consumption? What do you think is the smartest thing to do?” Or maybe you are sitting down with your daughter and you are watching another network program and you see a husband and a wife get into a fight and suddenly the wife spins on her heels, walks out, boom, slams the door. You might say “Honey, that interchange made for great television but that is not what the Bible says we should do in resolving conflicts.” The Bible says and hopefully you have modeled this, that you should reconcile humblely, prayerfully come together. Matthew 18:19. That is what the Bible says.
Think about Jesus when He hung around with the disciples. One day He was walking through the countryside and He goes, “Guys, hey, wait a minute, see that sparrow there. You know if that sparrow were to drop dead right now, it would move the heart of God in heaven. Just think about it, guys, you think that sparrow is important? Yea, it is. But think about how much more value you have to the Father. Think about that.” So every time you see a sparrow from now on, think about how much you are loved. When you see the snow if you are skiing this winter and you are with your children, don’t just say, ah this snow is so cold …and the ice. Think about what the Bible says concerning snow how it represents the cleansing and the forgiving nature of Jesus Christ. That our sins can be as white as snow once we receive Jesus Christ. Maybe you see a sunset, parents, and you say, see that sunset over there, it is as if God is painting a picture just for the Young family. It is like God wanted to show us His beauty tonight. That is what I am talking about – with creativity and love.
And finally, encourage them to show, to share, how they can apply these values in their lives. Now they can’t just know them, but they need to apply them.
So parents you have your assignment. It is to train, train, train, train. And when you train, be prepared to do something. You be prepared to take a step back and watch your child balance.