Description
I DON’T
Conflict Revolution
Ed Young
November 10, 2002
[The sounds of a war are played over the speaker. Sounds of dropping bombs, firing guns, and exploding buildings echo throughout the auditorium]
No, we’re not having sound problems. What you’re hearing are the sounds of war. I’m not talking about the war against terrorism, or some war in some far off land. I’m talking about the war in your life and in mine. The bottom line is this; we are in a war with a holy God. We’re in conflict with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
The Bible says from, cover to cover, that we’ve all made mistakes — spiritually, morally, and emotionally. Our mistakes have sequestered us from God. The Bible calls these mistakes sin. There is a Grand Canyon-like chasm separating us from God. This war that we’re in is unavoidable and unwinnable, because we cannot change our status. We cannot change our past. God, the Bible says, is perfect. He’s holy and His standards are pristine. We can’t tweak who God is. So, again I’ll say it. We’re in an unwinnable and irresolvable conflict with God.
Many here are followers of Christ. Many of us have surrendered ourselves to Jesus. Now think back for a second. Think back to the era in your life before you became a follower of the Lord. Do you remember feeling a little bit uneasy? Do you remember feeling sort of at odds with God? Do you remember during those semi-annual moments of introspection the fear that paralyzed you knowing that, if you were to die, you would face a holy God and have to give an account of your life to him? Do you remember that? You were aware of the conflict. And this awareness of the conflict is what has driven you to make this faith decision. The moment that we come into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the moment we bow the knee to him, the moment we turn from our sinfulness and surrender ourselves to the Lord, the Bible says something happens. We are reconciled to God, through Christ. The Bible goes on to say that we have the peace of God, and that peace permeates every part of our persona.
The book of Romans breaks this down when it says, in 5:10, “When we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son.” Once again, we are in an unwinnable and irresolvable conflict with God. There’s nothing we can do to bridge the gap. God, though, did the work when he commissioned Jesus to spill his blood on that rugged cross for our sins. If we accept that, then we are reconciled to God.
Look at Romans 5:1. It says, “Therefore, since we’ve been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our lord Jesus Christ.” We have peace with God. The fighting is over. There is no more hostility.
Maybe you’re sitting there wondering, “Well, Ed, wait a minute, man. I mean, I’ve been checking out the worship guide and I thought you were talking about conflict resolution in marriage. What are you doing talking about this other kind of conflict? I mean what does that have to do with conflict in marriage?”
I’m glad you asked. There is no way we can deal with relational conflict, there is no way we can deal with conflict that we have among our fellow brethren, unless we first of all deal with the conflict that we are engaged in with the holy God.
I cannot talk to you about resolving conflict in marriage until, first of all, I talk to God. I cannot be at peace with others until I’m at peace with myself. I can’t be at peace with myself until I’m at peace with God. Once I’m at peace with God, then I have this desire to be at peace with others. So, don’t even talk to me or anybody else about resolving conflict in marriage until, right up front, you’ve met the prerequisite of settling the war; until the fighting is over in your life, personally, between you and God.
So, I’ve got to come right out and ask you. “Have you settled that deal? Have you surrendered yourself to God?” Because the Bible says that if we do, then we’re at peace. The Bible also says that we have been justified through faith. I just read it in Romans 5:1 — “Justified through faith.”
People argue, “Well I’m a good catholic.” So what? They say, “I’m a good Baptist.” So what? Or, “I’m a nice guy.” So what? Maybe they say, “I pray all the time.” So what? They look at things in a worldly manner and argue, “I have a world scorecard and my good marks are better than my bad marks.” So what?
You’re not saved by works; you’re not saved by merit. You’re not. Because, at the end of our best day, we still fall miserably short of God’s family. God is not going to change His standards. We are in an unwinnable conflict. But, once we realize that God did something, that He took the initiative to reconcile us to himself through his son, once we receive that, then we have the power to reconcile with others on a humanistic plane.
The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 these words, “Therefore…” (Any time I see the word “therefore,” I always ask what is it there for, because when you see a “therefore,” you’re getting ready to get waylaid by something.) “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he’s a new creation;” that’s me and that’s many of you, “the old is gone.” Isn’t that great? “The new has come. All this is from God.” It is not from ourselves, not from denominationalism, not from good works, not from this or that. It’s from God, “Who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the,” what’s that?, “the ministry of reconciliation.”
Isn’t that awesome? God has given you and me, if we’re followers of him, the “ministry of reconciliation,” because we’ve been reconciled to God through Christ. Now we have the person of the Holy Spirit inside of our lives who works on the interior of our being to give us this ministry of reconciliation. So, when I’m at odds with someone humanly, because I’ve been reconciled to God and I’ve got this ministry of reconciliation, I’ve got to activate and confer through the Holy Spirit. I’ve got to do something about that conflict, because God did something about my status with him. That is what gives people the octane to have great marriages — it’s handling conflict.
I don’t care how much money you have, I don’t care how good your communication is, and I don’t care how good your sex life is. In marriage, the true indicator of success is how you process conflict. It’s how you process conflict. It’s how you handle it. All marriages, I don’t care if they’re sorry marriages or awesome marriages, face the same arguments, the same junk, and the same wars. But great marriages know how to handle conflict. They know how to fight; they know how to do battle with one another.
How many of you are married? A lot of people are married. How many are single here? Ninety-four percent of single adults get married at least once in their lives. Now let me talk to the married folk. Singles, you really need to hear this, but let me just say something to the married folk.
I doubt seriously, married folk, that most of you have ever had a course in biblical conflict resolution. I doubt seriously that most of you have ever had a crash course in marital warfare. I doubt it. And, because most of you have not had this crash course in marital warfare, what do you do? Well, I’ll tell you what you do. You do what you say you will never do. You act like your mother and your daddy.
You say, “No, I’ll never act like my mom,” or, “I’ll never act like my dad.” But you do, because that’s the only model you see.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLES
Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict was handled “missile style.” Or, if you’re Pierce Brosnan, you pronounce it, “missile style.” [Ed imitates Pierce Brosnan’s accent] You saw your parents argue and they would just fire a missile at each other. Ka boom! It was ugly and bloody, uh! Missile style.
Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict was handled, I don’t know, “land mine style.” You saw your parents fight and you saw them take out little shovels, dig holes in the sand, and bury land mines. You would think the argument was over, you would think everything was A-OK, but one day you would be walking through the den and “Bang!” It’s on now, baby!
Maybe in your home your parents handled conflict “foxhole style.” They had this conflict going on, but they wouldn’t really deal with the issue. Instead, they would just jump in the foxhole and hide.
Maybe you find yourself handling marital conflict the same way. You said you wouldn’t, but you’re acting just like your dad and just like your mom. That’s OK. That’s the only model you’ve had before you. That’s the only one.
Well, this weekend, I’ve asked the ushers to do something. I’ve asked the ushers to block the exits and batten down the hatches because we are going to have a crash course in biblical conflict resolution. This biblical conflict resolution can become a revolution in every marriage here. I see a couple of people looking back asking, “Are they really blocking the exits?” No, that would be against the law. Our security force and the police officers would not let us do that! I was just kidding. It was just a joke, just a joke.
What should we do? What should we do when we have a conflict? What should we do? Well, the first thing we should do is something that is totally unnatural. I’ll just be frank with you. The first thing that I think about when I’m in a conflict with Lisa is I say to myself, “I’m just going to straighten her out. I’m going to get her…” That’s the first thing I think about, just to be frank with you.
TAKE IT TO GOD
The Bible tells me that the first thing I should do is to take the conflict to God. You should take the conflict to God. After all, I’ve been reconciled to God through Christ, so I should take it to God. I should pray about the problem. Many times, I have not prayed about the problem. Many times, though, I have prayed about the problem.
When I have prayed about the problem, when I have taken the conflict to God, here’s what I’ve done. I’ve taken my journal out, I’ve gotten alone somewhere and I’ve just said, “God, speak to me about the conflict I’m having in my marriage. I know, God, that my marriage should reflect your relationship with your people. I should love Lisa like Christ loved the church. So go ahead, God, and speak to me about this conflict. OK?” And, God will begin to speak. I’ve never heard an audible voice, but I feel him speaking to my spirit. About 95 percent of the time, guess who is the one who ends up being convicted? Take a wild guess. Who is the one who ends up knowing that he’s wrong? That’s right, your pastor and your friend, Ed Young. That’s what will happen.
So, take your conflict to God. Take it to God in prayer. Before you say, “I’m going to straighten her out,” or, “I’m going to tell him,” just chill, press the pause button, and take it to God.
TAKE IT TO YOUR SPOUSE
Number two — take it to your spouse. That’s pretty obvious. Take it to your spouse. Negotiate the deal in a neutral setting, and have what I call a “solution driven conversation.” When you deal with an issue — maybe an issue about priorities, maybe it’s budgeting, maybe it’s children, maybe it’s a date night thing, maybe it’s a sex deal — and you’re talking to your spouse about it, have a solution driven conversation, not an accusation driven conversation. Have a solution driven conversation.
Remember, God wants the best for every marriage here. God wants the best for every single marriage in the world, and when we do it His way, it’s going to be awesome. When we don’t, it’s not going to be that great. It’s really not.
Sometimes in my life I’ve heard people say this, “Ed, what you need, man, is a little bit of TLC.” We’ve all heard that, “What you need is TLC.” TLC stands for “tender loving care,” right? Well, I was thinking about that this week — TLC; TLC; TLC. We need some TLC when it comes to conflict resolution, because if conflict resolution is to become conflict revolution, if it’s going to really revolutionize our marriage, then we need some TLC.
There’s a book in the Bible called the Book of Ephesians. The Book of Ephesians is basically a treatise on conflict resolution, specifically Ephesians Chapter 4. So, if you have a problem with that jerk at work, then read Ephesians Chapter 4. If you have a problem, if you have a conflict, if you’re at war with a family member, then read Ephesians 4. If you have a problem with a friend, a teammate, a classmate, a coach, a teacher, or anyone else, then read Ephesians Chapter 4. Ephesians Chapter 4 gives us the TLC principle that we need, especially in marriage.
TLC
Now, before I tell you what the TLC deal is in Ephesians 4, I want you to think about, married couple, the last argument that you got into with your spouse. Just think about the last argument. Maybe it was last week, maybe it was last month, or maybe it was in the car on the way to church, I don’t know. Think about that. How did you process that? How did you react? Did you communicate using the TLC Principle? Let me tell you what the TLC Principle means. It means I should resolve conflict truthfully, lovingly, and compassionately. Say it with me: truthfully, lovingly, and compassionately.
TRUTHFULLY
Let’s go to the treatise on conflict resolution, which will become a revolution, in Ephesians Chapter 4. I need to communicate truthfully to Lisa. Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore, each of you,” therefore each of you, “must put off,” the Bible says, “falsehood.” And, this says we’re to communicate what? We’re to communicate, “Truthfully,” to our neighbor. This neighbor can be your spouse, your friend, or whoever.
We’re all, the Bible says, members of one body. So, we put off falsehood, we strip it away, we throw it away and we speak truthfully.
Every time I speak truthfully to Lisa, God shows up, God anoints, and God convicts. Every time I speak in a slanderous way, an accusation-driven way, a mean spirited way, the evil one shows up. So, we have a choice. We either defer to the Holy Spirit, we allow him to work on the interior, and allow him to do great things, or we defer to the evil one and allow him to mess the deal up. We need to speak truthfully. Truth is, well, it is the very fabric and framework of who God is. We need truth when we communicate. People are begging for truth. So speak truthfully.
LOVINGLY
Also, speak lovingly — lovingly. Look at Ephesians 4:15, “Speaking the truth in love.” In the original language it means, “Truthing in love.” The thing about this is truth, without love, is brutality and love, without truth, is hypocrisy. You have to speak the truth in love. It’s all about love. We’ve learned throughout this series that love is a decision, love is all about commitment.
I like Proverbs 15:1, which says, “A gentle answer,” or you could say, “A loving answer, turns away wrath.” A loving answer decaffeinates wrath. “But a harsh word,” what does it do? It just “stirs up anger.”
I have a loud voice. My entire life people have said, “Ed, volume, down.” A couple of months ago Lisa and I were in a discussion, a conflict, and Lisa was keeping her voice, you know, flat lined. She was very calm. But I was a little bit more animated, and I was talking a little bit loudly. All the sudden, the phone rang. I went from [yelling] “YOH, YA, YOH” to [quietly and calmly] “Hello? Yes how are you doing? Yes, I’ll pray about that and…” I amazed myself at how quickly my tone and voice changed.
Here I was talking to the woman that I love, who I should treat like Christ loved the church, and I was speaking harshly to her. Then, some friend called and I was nicer to him than I was to my wife. Isn’t that something? But when we speak kind words to our spouse, even in conflict, words of truth and words of love, things happen. Conflict gets resolved. And marital conflict, listen very closely, can be like a leech or a ladder. It can be like a leech or a ladder. It can be like a leech and it can suck the life out of marriage. Or, it can be like a ladder. It can be like the rungs on a ladder that take you higher and higher. It can take you to a deeper level of intimacy that you never thought was possible.
COMPASSIONATELY
So communicate truthfully and lovingly. Also, speak compassionately. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.” Put yourself in the other one’s shoes. [The verse continues] “Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Forgive each other, when you feel like it and when you don’t. I’ll say that again. Forgive when you feel like forgiving and when you don’t.
Remember, you’re in a covenant with your spouse. Covenant is not about feelings; it’s about commitment on steroids. When you do commit and give yourself to the other one, the feelings will follow. But, you can’t live by feelings. You cannot say, “Well, I just won’t forgive you until I feel like it.” You might not ever feel like it. You are commanded to forgive. I’m commanded to forgive whether I feel like it or I don’t. I have written down in my notes that forgiving is not forgetting; nor is forgetting forgiving.
Look at Ephesians 4:29. This is very, very convicting. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their,” greeds? No, no, it says their “needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
So, when I am in conversation with anybody for that matter, but especially my spouse, I should ask myself, “OK, am I being constructive? Am I communicating compassionately? Am I building my spouse up according to my spouse’s needs so that it can benefit them?” Those are tough questions.
WORKING OUT THE BAD
Owen, will you come out here? [Owen Goff comes on stage carrying a box of Krispy Kreme donuts] Owen Goff is carrying with him a box of sin, a box of depravity — Krispy Kreme donuts, the greatest donuts in the world. Man, I grew up on these things. These things, Owen, are unbelievable! They’re so light. Whenever you drive by Krispy Kreme and you see the hot light on…man. “Wow” is all I can say!
Now, Owen, I have a huge mouth. I don’t know if many of you realize it, but my mouth is really big. My parents once told me my mouth was the size of a small town-home, they said it was incredible. It takes me about 21 seconds to eat one of these; if I’m really hungry I can eat this in about 21 seconds. A lot of people have a hard time believing that, but I can.
Now, I have done some research on this deal and I discovered it takes 21 seconds for me to eat one Krispy Kreme donut, but it takes 20 minutes, Owen, of intensive aerobic activity just to work off one little incredible Krispy Kreme donut. I don’t mean power walking; I’m talking really going after it. Now stay with me.
Now, think about marriage. There is a 20:1 ratio deal going on. Owen, it takes 20 encouraging, positive, uplifting words just to negate one negative look or harsh word. It’s the Krispy Kreme Principle. What happens, though, is that you say, “You know, I’ll just go ahead, I’ll just go ahead and say this one harsh word. It won’t mean that much. Besides, I was angry.” Well, it’s just like eating a Krispy Kreme donut. You better get ready to work it off, baby. Now I’ve got icing all over me, Owen. [Ed ate a donut, and now has icing all over his hands]
Owen has really fond memories of donuts. I know when you were in Waco, going to Baylor, that you worked at Jack and Jill Donuts.
Owen: I sure did.
Ed: Now, Owen, I’ve never had Jack & Jill donuts, but I doubt seriously they can compete with Krispy Kreme. There’s no way, no way. There goes Owen Goff, carting around with him Krispy Kreme donuts.
Now, speaking of harsh words, look at Ephesians 4:26, 27. “’In your anger,’” the Bible says, “’do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” It’s those little shovelfuls that dig the marital grave.
Maybe you think, “Ed, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just a little word, just a little old problem, just a little rip, just a little whatever.”
I’m telling you that it’s a big thing. That’s why I challenge couples to pray every night before you go to bed. It could be a five second prayer, a microwave prayer, or it could be a minute prayer. Pray. And I want to tell you something, you cannot pray if you have a problem in your marriage. You cannot pray unless you have been reconciled. So, do the work of reconciliation, keep short accounts with God. Because you keep short accounts with God, keep short accounts with your spouse. Settle these issues. It’s those little things that can turn into big things.
We have a beautiful oak tree in our backyard. Well, this thing was beautiful. The other day I noticed that this oak tree was kind of turning dark. It had black splotches on it. Then it just became covered with black, leaves fell off, and limbs were falling off. Then, one day I looked and noticed half the trunk had just fallen off. Ka-boom! It was horrible. I went out and looked. Obliviously, there was some kind of disease that I could tell had just attacked the tree silently, methodically, little by little in the core, in the trunk, and it just took the tree out. I don’t know what happened. It had just torn the tree totally up. It was a bad deal.
Well, marriage is the same way. We have these little problems and we think, “Oh it’s no big deal. It won’t eat my marriage up. It really can’t do anything to me.” It works from the inside out doesn’t it? Because if they are unresolved, if you go to bed angry, if you don’t resolve conflict and if you don’t reconcile with one another, what happens? Your marital tree will just … TIMBER! Splat! TLC is what you need, Ephesians Chapter 4.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
I grew up with a bunch of guys in Canton, North Carolina. Last weekend when I was speaking in South Carolina, I saw one of my friends that I hadn’t seen in about 20 years. His name is Mike. Mike is a great guy. One of the good things about playing at Mike’s house was the fact that when we would play baseball, football or whatever, he would always line out the rules before we played. He’d always say, “OK Ed, if you go here, that’s out of bounds near that tree. If you hit a ball this way, if you go over that fence, or if it goes to the left by the house that’s a foul ball. If you hit it there, that’s a home run.” So, when I was playing with Mike I always knew what the rules were. I mean — I knew!
Now, I’d also hang out with other guys growing up and they would make up the rules as they went. Isn’t that horrible? You may catch a pass and you’re thinking, “Touchdown! Touchdown! Yeah!” And then they come back and say, “Oh no, no, no! I didn’t say anything, but you’re out of bonds. You’re standing out of bounds.” All you can do is sit there and say, “What?!!”
In marriage, we do the same thing. We laugh, but we’re just like little kids. We just make the rules up as we go, as we handle conflict. Conflict cannot be settled on the cell phone. It cannot be settled on the fly. It cannot be settled in front of the kids at the dinner table. It’s got to be handled strategically and intentionally. We’ve got to set up rules of engagement. We have to set up rules of warfare.
Now, in my book titled Creative Marriage in the bookstore, I talked about some of these rules. But, I have added many more to them right here. I want to give you some guidelines — ten rules of engagement that Lisa and I try to follow when we are in the trenches, when we are in conflict. You might want to write these down.
Rule #1: I don’t start a military rivalry.
That’s one of the rules of engagement that we live by. Here’s what I’m talking about. If I met someone, and this man or woman was in the Navy, I wouldn’t say, “Hey, let me go ahead and compare you, a Navy man or woman, to a Marine. Well maybe the Marines are better than you. Maybe the Air Force is…” You know, you wouldn’t start this military rivalry. Well, what do we do in marriage? We compare. We compare our spouse to their moms, dads, and even the dog. We say, “I wish you were like him. I wish you’d talk to me like he talked to her.” It’s unfair to compare. I don’t start a military rivalry. Just say that and live that out. Here’s another one.
Rule #2: I don’t use absolute commands.
I was talking to Lisa the other day, we were in a little conflict and I said, “Lisa you always…” and she said, “Always?” I said, “Yeah! All right, most of the time.” Don’t say always or never. Don’t say that, because that’s not true.
Rule #3: I don’t make the bedroom a war room.
Make love, not war in the bedroom. Now, let me say something else about the bedroom. If you have a television in your bedroom, I encourage you to take it out, because the bedroom is not a place to fight and it’s not a place to watch television. It’s a place to be intimate with your spouse, talk to your spouse, romance your spouse, and love your spouse.
Rule #4: I don’t threaten another officer.
We’re officers aren’t we? We’re submitting to one another. We love one another. We’re both leading. I don’t threaten. Twenty years ago, before Lisa and I got married, we said we would not use the “D word.” We would not use the word “divorce” as a kind of threat. People use divorce, they use intimacy as a threat, and they use money as a threat. People use all these threats as leverage all the time. Don’t go there.
Rule #5: I don’t change battlefields.
See, when I’m getting beat in an argument, which happens a lot, I’ll just try to confuse Lisa. I just jump from one battlefield to another one, and then from that one to another one to confuse her. Don’t do that. Stay on the battlefield. Stay at the issue. Whatever the issue is, stay after it.
Rule #6: I don’t interrupt a commander.
The best interrupter I have ever seen is David Letterman. He’s incredible. The guy’s rude anyway, but he is the best interrupter. Watch him. He makes tens of millions of dollars just interrupting. He never lets anybody finish a sentence. He’s like, “No? Yeah. No? Hey.” He’s making fun of people, ripping people, and messing them around — just interrupting all the time. We do the same thing to our spouse. We’re so into what we’re going to say next that, sometimes, we just can’t resist it. We talk over the top of them and interrupt. Just let them finish.
Here’s another one. Oh guys, this smacks us, doesn’t it?
Rule #7: I don’t count victories.
I don’t count victories. Don’t say, “Yeah, I’m going for an undefeated streak in marriage. You know, I’ve never lost. Back in Jr. High football we were undefeated and I’m going to do the same thing in marriage. I ain’t going to lose. Nope.” It’s like a woman I heard the other day, who said, “When I married Mr. Right I didn’t realize his first name was Always.”
Rule #8: I don’t become a battlefield shrink.
We try to become the psychologist during arguments. We say, “Oh, I see now. I see the deal now. Your mom painted your room purple, and because of that color, man, it messed you up. I understand.” We become like Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura — psychobabblish.
Rule #9: I don’t play war historian.
Oh ladies, it this convicting? You have an unfair advantage over us, ladies. You don’t forget a thing. You can dreg up the past and, guys, we can’t even comprehend. Ladies will say, “I remember 7 years ago when you had that outfit on, that green shirt, and you said so and so…” Guys are asking, “What?” Ladies, you have an unfair advantage. Don’t go back into the past. Just settle and deal with the issue you’re talking about and discussing at the present.
Rule #10: I don’t retreat.
You stay at the table. Remember, you have committed to a commitment on steroids. You’ve given yourself to your spouse and your spouse has given themselves to you. Stay after it, stay after it.
When we defer to God, when we allow his spirit to infiltrate us, to work on the interior of our lives, here’s what’s going to happen. We will understand how to fight battles. I’ll say it again. Poor marriages and unbelievable marriages all have the same issues. But, great marriages handle conflict biblically, honestly, openly, truthfully, lovingly, and compassionately. [The sounds of war are playing again over the speakers] Do you hear those sounds? Do you hear that war going on? Do you hear the conflict? That’s OK; it’s going to happen. You’ve got a couple of ego centric people together. When you have egocentric people together you’re going to have conflict, you’re going to have problems. But, if you handle conflict God’s way, your conflict resolution can become a conflict revolution. And that, friends, is what God wants.