Description
I DON’T: MARRIAGE
Can You Hear Me Now?
Ed & Lisa Young with Preston Mitchell
November 3, 2002
[At the beginning of the message, a video of Ed and Lisa is played. They are in a church in South Carolina – the church in which Ed grew up]
Today, as we continue this series called “I Don’t” – a series about what we don’t do after we say “I Do” — I want to talk to you a little bit about communication. Now, you can probably tell I’m not in Dallas/Ft. Worth. I’m a long way from Dallas/Ft. Worth. In fact, I’m about 1,003 miles away from the Metroplex.
I’m here standing at a very historic spot. I’m in Columbia, South Carolina at Fist Baptist Church Columbia. This church was founded in 1809. The reason I’m in South Carolina is because this church has asked me to speak this weekend at a special college event. This church is very special to me, because my father served as the Pastor here many, many years ago. This is the place where I sort of grew up. This is also where I met Lisa, and we were actually married here, too. So, whenever I think about relationships, whenever I think about communication, I think about First Baptist Columbia.
Today we’re going to do something a little bit different. I’m going to talk a little bit here with Lisa about communication and our marriage. Then I’ll throw it back to Preston, who is there in person. We’re going to do some team teaching as we talk about this message entitled, “Can You Hear Me Now?”
[Ed and Lisa are talking to one another]
Ed: Just being back here at First Baptist Columbia brings back some wonderful memories, I know, in both of our lives. This is where we met. In fact, about three feet from here is where I first saw you. I was sitting in the balcony, maybe the second row from the back, and all my friends said, “Gosh look at that girl. Man, she’s a fox!” Well, back then they called pretty girls foxes. Now they call them, what, hot or something like that? Anyway, I didn’t say “hot,” I said, “What a fox!”
So, anyway, several weeks later a friend of ours, David “Bubbles” Swindler sent me a note that said, “Lisa would really love it if you would give her a call.” And, Lisa, you have always been kind of poised and mature acting. So, I was a little bit nervous calling you. Anyway, I called and we definitely connected the first time we talked.
Lisa: You called me on a Monday night. I guess you got the note on Sunday. I didn’t know that David sent you that note, but you called me as I was running through the house. I was out of breath because I couldn’t find my tennis shoes and I was late for a softball game. I was even more out of breath when I heard your voice at the other end, because I was so excited that you called.
Ed: Yeah.
Lisa: That was the first of many, many great phone calls.
Ed: So, after I called you a couple of times, we saw each other at church, and then we had our first date, you could say. We went to the theater at Richland Mall and saw the movie Jaws. That is my favorite movie, not only because it was the first one that we ever saw, but also because I love sharks and that fishing theme.
Lisa: That’s actually where we held hands the first time.
Ed: Yeah, we held hands. We held hands. I’ll tell you when we held hands. We held hands during the barrel scene, when they shot the barrel in the shark. That was when we held hands.
Lisa: Actually, it was pinkies.
Ed: It was pinkies, yeah.
Lisa: You were sitting on this side so…
Ed: No, I was on this side.
Lisa: No.
Ed: I know I was.
Lisa: Uh-Uh.
Ed: Lisa, I know I was on this side.
Lisa: No you weren’t.
Ed: I was.
Lisa: OK.
Ed: I promise you. I’ll bet you, I was on this side.
Lisa: I’m being submissive.
Ed: Because I remember I was…
Lisa: You win.
Ed: No, we were sitting like this and the screen was this way and I’m here and you’re there.
Lisa: I’m sorry.
Ed: It is.
Lisa: Either way that was the first time we held hands or made contact.
Ed: I’m telling you I was sitting on this side. Yeah, that was it. From there we kept dating and…
Lisa: We were getting to know each other. We’d talk on the phone all the time. Once you could drive, we started going out on dates.
Ed: Yeah, one of our favorite restaurants was a little Italian place. In fact it was right near the church. It’s called Villa Trocho’s. Villa Troncho’s?
Lisa: Villa Tronco’s.
Ed: That was a great restaurant because it was very dark and quaint. W e would go in there and we would talk. I guess we had been dating for maybe two or three months and then my family and I went to Jamaica on a two-week trip.
Lisa: And you would have thought you were going for, like, six months.
Ed: Oh, it was like, yeah…
Lisa: And we were just devastated that we were going to be apart.
Ed: And I remember you sent me this long letter with Charlie perfume on the letter.
Lisa: It was like six pages.
Ed: Yeah, a six page letter.
Lisa: What do you say about that letter?
Ed: My parents kept teasing me and saying, “What does Lisa have to say? Why don’t you read the letter to us?” And I was embarrassed to do that because it said, “I love you and blah, blah, blah.”
Lisa: They could smell it, I’m sure, with as much perfume as I put on it. And you would send me a letter with Jovan Musk Oil on it.
Ed: Yeah, the greatest cologne known to man, Jovan Musk Oil. I think, looking back, even in our dating days, we had some struggles with communication. But, by and large, it was good. I think it’s cool how God brought our relationship full circle. And on June 26, 1982, again about three feet from this spot, we became husband and wife. We got married right here. As I talked about last week, we got into covenant with each other. You walked down the aisle.
Lisa: I did the death…
Ed: The death walk.
Lisa: Right, the death walk. It was down this aisle right here.
Ed: This place is great, isn’t it? I think just looking back on our relationship, and seeing the priority of communication is something that’s really cool. I firmly think that those couples who seek the Lord day in, day out, and communicate with Him regularly are going to be able to communicate in their marriage in great, great ways.
You know being in the ministry now for all these years and being married for 20 years, we’ve had the opportunity to talk to a lot of couples. It’s staggering to hear about the communication breakdowns and problems, Lisa, that so many couples deal with. I think the reason that we do have such a difficult time, at certain junctures, communicating is because of the fact that men and women are so different. I know that sounds obvious. I mean it is obvious.
Lisa: It is obvious.
Ed: But it’s true, and it’s because of our differences that it is so challenging, oftentimes, to communicate. So, that’s basically what we’ll talk about today — this whole thing, this nebulous thing for a lot of us, called communication.
[The video ends, and Preston Mitchell begins to speak live from the stage at Fellowship Church.]
Why is it so hard for men and women to communicate? Well, I think one of the reasons why it’s difficult is that men are hunters and women are hinters. Men are hunters and women are hinters.
Monday is my day off here at Fellowship Church. Every Monday morning, I get up, and my wife Dedo always asks me this question, “Preston, what are you going to do today?” Well, for a long time I thought she really wanted to know what I was going to do. So, I would give her the laundry list of “I’m going to do this and I’m going to do this and then I’m going to do this…” After a few years, it finally occurred to me that she was hinting. She didn’t really care about what I was going to do. What she was hinting about was that there were several things that she wanted me to do for her on my day off.
Guys wouldn’t it be so much easier in life if women would just tell us what they want? Men are hunters and women are hinters. You know, guys, we are wired to be hunters. You just give us the task, women, and you just give us some space, maybe a time limit, and we will go hunt, catch, or bring back whatever you ask us. Then, we’ll report on it. That’s the way we are. But see, guys, female logic is a little different. They want us to take the initiative; they want us to be proactive. They often think that if we really loved them, if we were really connected to them, then we would intuitively know what they want. We would intuitively understand their needs. No wonder communication is so hard — the hunter and the hinter.
Another difference between men and women is that men are solvers and women are sensors. Just as I said earlier, men are wired to solve. We will analyze a situation, weigh the pros and the cons, formulate a game plan, and implement the plan. We think and communicate in black and white. But women are different. Women will think of the facts, but in their communication process they also consider emotions, intuition, and feelings. Where men are thinking in black and white, women are always thinking in intense colors, shading, and depth of color.
You know, this was just really driven home to me recently by my 16-year-old daughter, Mallory. She was auditioning here at the church to be on our Student Praise Team. Now, we have an incredible student ministry here at Fellowship Church. A part of that ministry is our Student Praise Team. Well, Mallory had decided that she wanted to audition for the praise team. So, for weeks, she would practice the two songs that she was going to perform. She would practice them day and night, day and night. Finally, one day, she came to me and said, “Dad, would you please come up to my room and listen to me sing?” I thought, “Man, this is great!” So I went up to Mallory’s room, I sat in the chair and she performed the songs. But I messed up.
See, I’m a solver; I’m a hunter. I said, “Mallory, let me just quickly critique a few things about your presentation. You need to … you know, if you want to have great stage presence, do this. If you want to have some confidence you need to…” I was really trying to help her. I thought that’s what she wanted, my help. After a while she was looking at me with a disgusted look and she said, “Dad, I don’t want you to tell me what to do. I just want you to listen to me. I want you to experience the moment.” She didn’t want my solving ability; she wanted me to sense the moment with her.
Another difference that makes communication so difficult between men and women is that men are tight-lipped and women are talkers. Scientists tell us that men, on the average, will speak about 12,000 words a day. Women, on the other hand, will speak twice as many words — sometimes up to 24,000 words a day. Now, here’s where the problem happens in my family. Usually during the day I spend most of my 12,000 words at work. So when I came into the house in the evening and I walk into the kitchen, I may just ask Dedo off the top of my head, “How was your day honey?” Well, I suddenly realize that she has saved most of her 24,000 words just for me! She begins to tell me all the stuff that’s happening to her. Then, I feel like I’m out in the ocean with this leaky life raft and there is a tidal wave of words that’s just going envelop me. Man, men are tight-lipped and women are talkers.
You know it starts early in life. I have a 12-year-old son, Cameron. From time to time a girl will call Cameron. Now, you talk about an interesting thing to listen to — two seventh graders on the telephone! Now, Cameron has three words in his telephone vocabulary — hello, uh-huh and goodbye. The difficulty is that the telephone conversation may last 30 to 40 minutes. And when I walk by and I see him holding the phone like this, it’s kind of away from his ear, I can hear on the other end of the line some girl just talking and talking and talking. I’ve seen Cameron set the phone down, go and do something, come back pick up the phone and just say, “Uh-huh.” When he finally hangs up I ask, “Cameron, what in the world was she talking about?” and he says, “Dad, I have no idea.”
We, as men, we tend to internalize our communication. We like to think, we like to solve, and we like to hunt in silence. Now, when we finish the hunt, when we solve the problem, we may talk about it. But, you see, men are so different because women need to verbalize the communication process. It’s important for women to talk through their thought process. They want us to hear what they are thinking. The other day I was thinking about how I could best illustrate this point. Well, check this out.
[A video starts illustrating how women will communicate what they are thinking. It is a video of two women talking to one another]
1st woman: Did you just get a new haircut?
2nd woman: Yes I did, thanks for noticing.
1st woman: Oh, it is so cute.
2nd woman: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when the hairdresser handed me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too short, do you?
1st woman: Oh no, no. I think it’s perfect. I would love to get my hair cut like that, but I just think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this look, I think.
2nd woman: Are you serious? I mean your face is adorable and you can easily get away with one of those shorter cuts. That would look so cute. Actually, I was going to do that [talking about 1st woman’s haircut], but I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
1st woman: What? Shut up, I love your neck.
2nd woman: You shut up. I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. I mean everything drapes you so well. Look at my arms; they are so short. If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier…
[Now, on the video, two men are talking about their haircuts]
1st Man: Haircut?
2nd man: Yeah.
Is it any wonder why men and women have such a tough time communicating with each other? When you go back to the very beginning of creation, one of the things that you will find is that communication was an integral part of creation. The Bible tells us that God created the man, and God created the woman, and he created them for a personal relationship. So, what we discover when we go back to the Book of Genesis is that we see that God communicated with the man and the woman and then God allowed the man and the woman to communicate with Him.
Not only did God create this vertical communication, he also created the horizontal communication. God gave the gift of communication to the man and the woman so that they could build a relationship with each other. What an incredible gift communication is! How boring would our existence be if we could not communicate with each other? Not only did God create us, but God has also given us some strategies for communication. And this morning, Ed and I are going to talk about four strategies. If you will apply them to your marriage, I promise you it will change your marriage.
Now, if you’re not married this morning, don’t tune me out. Don’t tune Ed out, because these communication strategies work in all relationships of life. These strategies will work in parenting, they’ll work with friendships, they will work in business relationships, and yes, they will revolutionize marriages. So, everyone here this morning that can communicate, you need to listen to these strategies.
Now, I’ll be honest with you. I’ll be up front, and I’ll be transparent. I don’t know that much about communication in marriage. I thought I did, but the other day I was telling my wife what the topic of the message was going to be. I said, “Dedo, I’m going to talk about communication in marriage.” She rolled her eyes, she laughed, and she walked out of the room. So, I’m like many of you, I am a fellow communication struggler and I am learning, along with you, that God has given us these incredible strategies and that, if we will just apply them to our lives, it will change the way we communicate.
HAVE THE WILL TO COMMUNICATE
The first strategy that I wanted to talk about this morning is that we must have the will to communicate. We have to have the will to communicate. Communication between a husband and a wife is a strategic decision; it is a choice. Many of you here in this auditorium have a marriage that is in disconnect. You’re tired of trying to talk to each other. You’re beaten down. You have one spouse who won’t talk, you have the other spouse who won’t listen, and you are ready to give it up. My prayer to you is to just wait. I want you to will yourself this morning that you are going to make the strategic choice to communicate. The great thing about this is that God has given us the help, if we will just will ourselves. God will help us even if we don’t know what to say, how to say it, or when to say it. Maybe you’re asking, “How do I know that?” Well, there is a great story in the Old Testament about a man who really struggled with communication. Ed is going to tell us about his life.
[Back to video of Ed in South Carolina]
Ed: I’m standing behind the pulpit that my father used for many years while he was the pastor of this great historic church, First Baptist Columbia. You can see behind me that they’re working on this sanctuary, because this sanctuary is old. I’m talking really old. In fact, the communion table that we used down front was the actual table that the South used to sign the document seceding them from the Union. These balconies here were known as “slave” balconies. During slavery, the slaves had to sit in the balconies. They could not even go on the main floor.
When I think about slavery, when I think about being in bondage and being in chains, my mind is drawn back to the children of Israel. Do you remember when God’s chosen people were in bondage by the Egyptians? Well, God had picked a guy named Moses to be his mouthpiece, to be his spokesman, and to be his point man. God asked Moses to go into Pharaoh’s oval office; I mean the “Man’s” office. And God asked Moses to ask Pharaoh to let his people go.
Just put yourself in Moses’ sandals for a second. That had to be tough. Well, check out what Moses said back to God when God challenged Moses to speak for him. Look at Exodus 4:10. It reads, “Moses said to the Lord, ’O Lord I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.’ The Lord said to him, ’Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.’”
How many times in marriage do we feel like we’re enslaved? We feel like we’re in bondage or chained up. How many times in marriage, especially the husbands here, do we kind of not really know what to say? How many times do we think, “Should I say that?” or “Should I remain silent?” or “How do I get into this conversation?” Well, I think that we need is to take some cues from this interchange that Moses had with the Lord. We need to simply say, “God, teach me how to speak. God, help me to say the right words. God, help me to connect and to communicate with my wife.” Marriage is all about communication, but first we have to communicate with God. Then He will teach us and help us communicate with our spouse.
MAKE TIME FOR TALK TIME
The second strategy for effective communication is that we have got to make time for talk time. Think about that for a second. We have to make time for talk time. It’s so ironic that we live in the age of technology. We’ve got fax machines, cell phones, the Internet, teleconferencing, voice mail, and all of this stuff; yet, oftentimes, technology can become a literal blockade for true communication.
What’s so hilarious is that on one hand we have all this high tech gear, but on the other hand we don’t know how to talk to our spouse. We say, “Well, I don’t really know how to communicate with you.” Isn’t that hilarious? On the one hand you have all this technology and all this stuff about communication, and on the other hand we’re having communication breakdown. We have to make time for talk time. You’ve got to carve that time out.
That’s one of the things that Lisa and I have learned over the years that has been very, very vital to our communication. Oftentimes, when I come home, for the first 45 minutes after I get home, Lisa and I connect. We usually hang out in the kitchen. We tell all the kids that they are banned from the kitchen unless they are bleeding or about to die. Then, we talk; we connect.
And one of the things that we do as a staff at Fellowship is that we have regular staff meetings. Every Tuesday we have a management team meeting. We have a very comfortable place where we have this meeting, and my assistant, Leanne, has food and drinks for us. It’s a very comfortable time. We sit down and part of our session is just talking to one another, it’s connecting to one another. But, I’m going to tell you something. If we didn’t make time for talk time as a staff, we couldn’t communicate and we wouldn’t know each other the way we do.
[Back to Preston at Fellowship Church]
Preston: Those weekly staff meetings that Ed is talking about, I think, are one of the real reasons for the success here at Fellowship Church. We, on the staff, know that on a certain day, at a certain time, and at a certain place, we’re going to gather together to hang out and communicate. We gather not only to talk about the day-to-day operations of Fellowship Church, but also about what’s going on in our lives. It’s just an incredible time for us as a staff.
Now, when you think about making time for talk time, have you ever thought about having a marital staff meeting? Is there a time when you and your spouse get together on a weekly basis? Do you have an appointed time and an appointed place where you know you’re going to be meeting? It gives you a chance to just talk about the day to day operations of your family. What a great idea — marital staff meetings.
Now, I know what many of you are saying, “Preston, you don’t know how much stuff I have to do. You don’t understand how busy I am.” I heard somebody say the other day “Well I just call my husband or I just call my wife. We just talk on the cell phones. That lets everybody know what’s going on.” That’s fine. There is nothing wrong with using that technology. But, what I am talking about is having an appointed time and place where you and your spouse know that you are going to be meeting together, face to face, to communicate.
As I said earlier, Monday is my day off. Every Monday at lunch Dedo and I will go to a different restaurant where we have a marital staff meeting. We take that time during lunch to just talk about what’s going on in our family. You know — some of the struggles, the finances, planning things, and looking at the calendar. And then, after that staff meeting, we go have fun. We may go the movies or go shopping or come home and do something we enjoy doing together. That marital staff time is important to us.
Now I know what some of you are saying. “Preston you don’t have any idea how busy I am.” or “You don’t know, Preston, how busy my spouse is. There is no way we have time to do that.” Don’t give me that weak excuse. If it’s important to you, then you will find the time. When I think about that excuse, I think about God. What if God had said to us, “I just don’t have time to talk to you guys. I’m a busy God. I’ve got all kinds of things going on today. It is not a good day for me, so I’m not going to talk to you.”
The Bible teaches us that God took time for us. In Galatians 4:4-5, Paul writes, “But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.” That’s the phrase I want you to concentrate on, “The time had fully come.”
“When the time had fully come,” means, “In God’s perfect timing.” God took the time to communicate with us, to demonstrate His love for us, by sending His son Jesus Christ to live on this earth, to be crucified, to die on the cross and to rise again. If we come to Him and we invite Christ into our hearts, if we bow the knee to Him and we invite Him to take over our lives, then the Bible says we can have a personal, permanent relationship with God through His son Jesus Christ. The only reason that is possible is because God had time for us. You have to make time for talk time in your marriage.
COMMUNICATE CREATIVELY
The third strategy that I want to talk about this morning is that we need to communicate creatively. We need to communicate creatively. We need to add creativity to our marriages. Do you realize the reason that most marriages are in trouble? Do you realize why husbands and wives don’t talk to one another? It’s because we are boring. It’s the same old conversations, in the same old places, and at the same old times. No wonder we look at each other and we just sigh. And, we just look at our spouse and we go, “I wonder if they can hear me now?” It’s just boring.
The key to a great marriage and the key to communication in marriage is that we have to jazz our marriage up with creativity. One of the best examples of marital creativity and marital communication is in this book called the Song of Songs. It may be a book that you’ve never really read in the Old Testament. It’s the story of King Solomon and his courtship, his marriage, and his honeymoon with his Shulamite bride. The whole thing is just about their relationship. When you read the Song of Songs you will just see intense, open, and romantic communication. It’s incredible.
For example, in Song of Songs 1:9-10, Solomon’s bride is talking about him. “I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels.” Guys, how often has your wife said that about you?
Look at what Solomon writes about his bride Verse 14. “My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi.” Wow, do you hear that kind of talk, ladies, from your husbands? Now that is some creative communication. It begs the question, “Why were Solomon and his wife so creative in their talk time?”
When you really begin to study the Song of Songs, this principle just leaps out at you. Creative activity causes creative communication. We will begin to talk in a creative way if there is something fun to talk about. If there is some activity that is exciting, then it will cause us to talk to one another. The reason we quit talking to each other is because we are in a routine, we’re in just the pits. We’re just like stale old bread — moldy and crusty. Creative communication starts with creative activities. What are you doing in your marriage that’s creative? What fun things are you doing?
Well if we look in the Song of Songs again, and I don’t have time to read all the verses, I’m just going to quickly point out some things that Solomon and his bride did that were just fun. When you read this, you think, “Man, I wish I could do some of that stuff.” In Chapter 2, Solomon talks about the fact that they ate great food all the time. He would take her to the banquet feasts. They loved to eat together. Chapter 2 also talks about the fact that they would go to the mountains together, they would run through the flowers and run through the streams. Chapter 3 talks about how they would go to the city together and hang out and do all this stuff in the city. Chapter 3 also talks about how they would ride around in Solomon’s cool chariot. Man, he had a great set of wheels, and they would get in that chariot and they would just ride all over. Chapter 4 talks about how they took exciting trips together. They went to Lebanon, they went through the deserts, they went to the valleys, and they would go to the garden and talk. As you read all of that, it begins to make sense. I can see why they would talk creatively — because they had fun stuff to talk about.
If we’re going to jazz up our marriage, we need to be a little more creative. What are you doing in your marriage that causes creative activity that leads to creative communications? How about taking a vacation together? I mean, Solomon and his bride did. They would go to Lebanon, to the mountains, and to the city. Now let me just say this: vacations do not include children. I just want to make that clear. That’s a family trip and that’s OK. You need to do family trips, but we’re talking about a vacation between a husband and a wife to a unique place that you have never been before.
Dedo and I, a couple of years ago, went to Hawaii for the first time. Talk about some exciting communications between us! It just jazzed up the whole experience, because we were in a unique location. How about taking up a hobby together — doing something that maybe you’re not doing as a couple? And as you do it, you begin to enjoy it, you start to talk about it, and then the creativity just starts to flow out of your marriage. You need to find some creative activities so that you can creatively communicate with each other.
COMMUNICATE PRAISE REGULARLY
Here’s the final strategy that is so important, if we’re going to form solid marriages through communication. We need to communicate praise regularly. Do you realize that the quickest way to show your spouse love and affection is to just give them praise, to verbally praise them? Do you know what happens when we praise someone? Their self esteem and their self worth just sores. If you want a marriage that is soaring above the clouds and in the bright sunshine, it takes regular praise. We’ve got to praise our spouse.
Now, I figured out that there are two patterns of praise that we need to implement into our marriages. You find those patterns of praise in Proverbs 31. At the end of Proverbs 31 there is a fascinating story about a godly woman. We call her the Proverbs 31 woman — super woman. It tells about how great she is. What we will discover in this passage is that there are a couple of patterns of praise that we need to incorporate into our marriage. Proverbs 31:28 says this, “Her children arise and called her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”
Now, the important thing about that verse I think is the word, “arise.” In other words, when the children and the husband get up every day, they give her words of praise. So the first praise pattern that is so important in a relationship is that we need to develop a daily habit of praise. We need to develop a daily habit of praise.
Most of us are great about praising the spectacular. When our spouse does something that is incredible, we will praise them, and that’s fine. But, what this passage is talking about is that we need to praise our spouses for the mundane things of life; or, the things that we do every day. Many of us don’t ever see everyday praise being done.
For example, when was the last time that you praised your spouse for balancing the checkbook? When is the last time that you praised your spouse for picking up the children so that you could run and do something else? When is the last time that you praised your spouse for mowing the yard? Do you see what I’m talking about? I’m talking about just those daily things of life that are important; yet, they become routine. The Bible says that we should develop a daily habit of praise.
Also, the Bible says, there’s another pattern of praise that’s important in marriage. In Proverbs 31:31, it says this, “Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at city gate.” Now, the important word phrase there is, “at the city gate.” In biblical times, the most important place in the city was the city gate. That’s where commerce took place, that’s where politics was discussed, and that’s where everybody would get together as a community and talk. What happens here is that this husband praised his wife at the city gate. This is important. We need to praise our spouses in public. It’s one thing to praise your spouse in private. That’s important. But just think about how awesome it is when you praise someone in public.
Man, we love to praise our heroes in public, don’t we? I mean, just think about last Sunday at Texas Stadium when Emmitt Smith broke that NFL rushing record. 63,000 people jumped out of their seats. There was this huge standing ovation that lasted for several minutes. Balloons were released, fireworks went off, people were cheering, and the President of the United States called Emmitt after the game to congratulate him. We love to praise our heroes in public. But let me just say this. Emmitt’s record pales in comparison to a great spouse. If you have a spouse who loves you and who stays with you through the good and the bad, the hard times and the great times, the poor times and the rich times you; if you have a spouse like that, then that spouse deserves public praise greater than what even Emmitt Smith got last weekend.
Are you praising your spouse in public? When was the last time you went to dinner with a group of people and you just made sure that sometime during the dinner that you brought up something publicly that your spouse did for you? “Guys, I can’t tell you what my wife did for me…” and you just tell them, “Man, she did something incredible for me.” Ladies, brag on your husbands. I know it’s sometimes hard to find something, but just, you know, really think hard and pull it out and publicize it. Man, we love to see our name in print. We love to hear our name in public. Just think, in the marriage, if we would remember to praise our spouses publicly how incredible that would be.
Those are the strategies for effective communication in marriage. I’ve been praying about this message all week, and I know Ed has, too. We realize that there are so many of you here today who are disconnected from your spouse. As I said earlier, you’ve given up; you just don’t talk anymore. Well, I just want you to spend this time committing, recommitting, and asking God to give you what it takes to begin the communication process, to string the wire between you and your spouse. It doesn’t have to be digital — just something that allows you to talk to each other. Then, as you begin to incorporate these strategies in your life, I promise you that you will begin to communicate in a way that will just be incredible for your marriage. Now, let’s go back to Ed in South Carolina. He’s going to talk a little bit about what’s going to happen next weekend here at Fellowship Church.
[The message goes back to the video of Ed]
Ed: It’s great to be here in Columbia, South Carolina, but there’s nothing like going home to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. Next weekend we’re continuing this series called “I Don’t.” This week, Preston and I have tried to set the stage for communication. Next weekend, we’re talking about conflict. I hear rumors, and they’re probably just rumors, that sometimes husbands and wives have conflict. They have arguments. But, how do you fight fair? That’s what we’re talking about next weekend, as we talk about conflict in marriage. I’ll be back. I want you to be back, too. I’ll see you then.