Description
I DON’T: SINGLES
Signs – Part 3
Ed Young
September 29, 2002
Speed Limit Sign
The Bible says, five times directly and twenty-three times indirectly, that singles are to abstain from sex until marriage. When most of the unmarried folk hear that, when most of the singles see this big speed limit sign right in the middle of their relational freeway, what do you think they say? What do you think is their typical response?
Do you think it is, “Yeah, God! Thank you so much for raining on my sexual parade. I appreciate that, God. Thank you so much for saying no until marriage.”
Do you think that is a typical response from single adults? No. The typical response is something like this, “God, what is the deal? Why are you being so capricious? Here you say, ‘No,’ to single adults, yet you give those who are married a blank check? This is crazy, God!”
Let’s say, for example, that you were driving down a mile stretch of freeway and you saw five specific speed limit signs. I think most of us would get the picture of what the speed limit actually is. Yet, most of us, if we are totally honest, know that we don’t really follow the speed limit signs. When we are driving, what do we do? We drive by feel, don’t we?
We say, “It doesn’t really feel like 35. It feels more like 45. No, it really feels like 55, 60, or maybe 65.”
That’s the way we drive. We usually drive as fast as other people are driving. And, we drive so that we won’t get caught speeding. That’s the kind of mentality most of us who drive here in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area have.
God says the speed limit sexually is, “No sex until marriage.” We have to realize that God is giving us these directives, that God has put this speed limit sign in our path for our own good.
A while back, something really embarrassing happened to me while I was driving. Lisa, my family and I had gone down to Houston to see my parents. We were on our way back driving up I-45. We have so many kids that we had to take two cars. While we were driving back on I-45, I admit to you that I was exceeding the speed limit. I was driving by feel. I had the radio on softly. I was probably listening to one of my favorite bands like the Newsboys or DC Talk. I was also talking on my cell phone to one of my best friends. Lisa, who was driving in front of me, put on her brakes. I didn’t see her put on the brakes. I put on brakes, too, but it was too late and … bam! I hit Lisa from behind. Then … bam! She hit the car in front of her. It was three-car chain reaction accident. It was not pretty. We called the wreckers and the cops. Right there, on I-45 on a Sunday afternoon, it happened to us — a chain-reaction accident. I want to tell you something, single adults and students, when you speed sexually; you are going to have an accident. You are going to end up in relational wreckage. You will experience a three-car chain reaction accident.
The first car will be the car of guilt. I’ve talked to many students and many single adults who have been speeding sexually. They always tell me about a measure of guilt they are feeling. That guilt is a direct result of their sexual sin. It’s just part of this moral compass that God has placed in our lives and has placed around our sexuality.
The second car is the car of self-deception. First, we feel guilt. Then, we smash into the second car — self-deception. We deceive ourselves into thinking that everything is okay. We try to rationalize it. I like the word “rationalize.” We tell ourselves “rational lies.” We look at other people and say, “Well, they are doing it, so I guess I can do it. After all, it’s 2002. Maybe God really didn’t mean the sexual speed limit is 35. I’ll just do my own deal.”
The third car is the desertion car. We end up slowly turning our backs on God and the church. We end up in never-never land and relational wreckage.
God has given us our sexuality as an awesome gift. Every time God gives us gifts, what does he do? He gives us guardrails. God gives us gifts and he gives us guardrails.
He says, “Here is the gift. You practice my gift in the guardrails, in the confines of how I have designed it.”
Every time God gives us a gift, the evil one gives us a counterfeit. The evil one wants to tear down the guardrails and guidelines. One of the reasons the evil one loves to jam us and loves to mess us up in the realm of sex is that sex is not just sex. Did you hear that? The evil one knows that sex is not just sex. Sex is not just a physical thing. Sex is a multi-faceted and multi-dimensional thing. That is one of the reasons the evil one likes to tear down these guardrails and guidelines. He has a stronghold on sex. He knows that when people are involved sexually, it affects the totality of who they are. It affects the essence of who they are.
The speed limit sign is 35. It’s right in the middle of our relational road. We have to understand that and own that. God has given us the speed limit sign for our own good. We have got to thank God for it because, remember, I’ve said it many times from the stage and I’ll say it again, “God is pro-sex.” He thought it up. He was not shy to talk about it, or to create it. We should not be shy to talk about it or, especially, tell others how to use it based on his word.
Danger – Falling Rock Sign
[Ed reveals the Danger – Falling Rock sign on stage]
Have you ever driven through Colorado or Wyoming and seen this sign? It’s the “Danger – Falling Rock” sign. Hopefully, you were listening a few minutes ago when I said that sex is multi-dimensional. I said that sex is not just sex – it is multi-faceted. It affects the totality of our personhood.
I want you to assign several words to the rocks on this sign — spiritual, psychological, physical and emotional. Sex is all of that. Sex is spiritual, psychological, physical and emotional. That’s the power of sex. That’s why God wants sex to be practiced within the confines, guidelines and guardrails of marriage. He wants us to keep a beautiful thing beautiful. It should emerge from the context of a commitment and a covenant before God. That is “designer sex.” God is our creative Creator. He is designer of this great gift called “sex” and he wants us to practice it within the guardrails of marriage. He wants to spare us, think about it. He wants to spare you and me from spiritual turmoil.
“Ed, are you talking about sex as spiritual?”
Yes, it is. If you sin sexually, if you exceed the speed limit, let me tell you what happens to you. A roadblock is put up between yourself and God. All of these rocks – spiritual, psychological, physical, emotional – will fall. There is a spiritual wall built between yourself and God because of your sin.
Case in point — Psalm 66:18. David says, “If I had cherished sin (or in this context, sexual sin) in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.”
What happened to David? David, as a believer, cherished sexual sin. He had sexual sin in his life and there was a roadblock. There was a blockade. There was a spiritual chasm between himself and God.
There is no way that you can grow and be on fire as a Christ-follower if you are involved in sexual sin. It’s not going to happen for you. The math will not work. It’s a pipe dream. That road will not lead you to where God wants you to go. That’s how powerful sex is.
So, once again, sex is spiritual. It was created by God. It’s also psychological. It’s a physical union. It’s an emotional thing. Sex is like duct tape. Let me show you what I am talking about. [Ed gets a roll of duct tape out and tears off a piece about 2 feet long. Over the next description, Ed sticks the tape to several objects. He does this to demonstrate how, the more times the tape is used, the less effective it becomes.] I feel like Bob Vila. This is duct tape. The first time I put this on the surface of something, the tape will be have its strongest bond. It will bond the best on the first surface. If I take this tape and put it on this piece of wood, it will have the strongest bond. That is duct tape at its best. Duct tape is not made for repeated use. It’s not made to use the same piece here [Ed places the tape on his forehead], here [the stage], here [the wall], here again, on cement, and way over here on this guitar. See, now it’s not sticking very well, is it? In fact, it doesn’t have much sticky stuff on it. It’s got lint on it, oil from my forehead, dirt and other stuff. It’s been used up.
Our sex is the same way. God wants our first bond to be the stickiest, to be the best. That’s why he says, “Keep sex within the confines of marriage.” Your bond in marriage should be the first stick. That should be the superglue. That’s the best thing. When you bond like that, you are going to have an incredible relationship. But, when you go here and there, bond with this person and that person then the bond gets weaker and weaker. When you have sex with someone, you have to realize that sex ain’t just sex. It’s a spiritual bond, psychological bond, a physical bond and an emotional bond. If you keep doing it over and over again with other people, you have about this much stickiness [referring again to the used duct tape]. You might as well just go ahead and toss it aside.
Don’t you see the genius of God? Don’t you see his mentality? He tells us to keep a beautiful thing beautiful. Stay away from the avalanche of falling rocks. If you speed, then you are going to get pounded. Don’t go there.
Dangerous Curves Sign
There is another sign that we have got to obey. We cannot ignore this one. If we are speeding, then we are going to get pounded by the avalanche. If we are pounded by the avalanche, then we will hit some dangerous curves. [Ed reveals the “Dangerous Curves” sign on stage] We are going to hydroplane and end up in relational wreckage. That’s not a pretty sight. Dangerous curves.
You should be able to say, “Okay. I know how to take the dangerous curves. If I go God’s speed limit, then I’ll know how to take the dangerous curves.”
Dating is a time at which we should work on the most important stuff of our relationship. We should work on communication, conflict resolution, hazardous cargo and all that stuff. (Parents, hopefully we are teaching our students and children this stuff.)
But here is what a lot of us do. Once sex enters the picture, it’s like we do the Evel Knievel thing, or in this context Robby Knievel. We put this big ramp over the important stuff and we jump over communication, conflict resolution and talking about hazardous cargo. We want to enjoy the thrills and chills of sex. But, we don’t realize that, as we are coming down, gravity is pulling us down faster and faster. When we hit the ground, it hurts and we end up a bunch of relational wreckage.
Relational experts report that the power of sex can keep a man and a woman together for three to five years. What happens in a typical relationship? In the typical humanistic relationship, the guy and the girl meet somewhere, like a bar or a club, and they hook up. They go out four or five times and then they jump in the sack. After that, maybe a couple of months later, they get married. Then three to five years later, they wake up and wonder, “What have I done? I’ve messed up! I’ve blown it.”
The power of sex — sex is not just sex. It’s a multi-faceted and multi-dimensional deal. The Bible says three things about sex. It talks about three different concepts. First of all, it talks about adultery. We know what adultery is. Adultery is having sex with someone who is not your spouse. The Bible says that adultery is a sin. That is what David did.
Fornication, the Bible says, is sexual sin, too. Fornication is pre-marital sex. That’s committing cosmic treason. That is sexually speeding.
The third concept I want to talk about is a phrase that is not discussed that much in church — sexual immorality. So again, we have got adultery, fornication and sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is mentioned in Colossians 3, and 1 Thessalonians 4.
Let me read it and you can download this stuff. Colossians 3:5; “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5; “It is God’s will (in other words, it is on God’s map, his road) that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.”
Up to this point, most of you are saying, “Well, this is not too bad. I understand the sexual speed limit and I understand that I should not have sexual intercourse until marriage. But, I guess that means God has given me the green light to do everything up until that point. Technically, I can’t have sex, but I can do a lot of other stuff. There are a lot of options out there — fondling, oral sex, whatever. I can do all that, because I am not having sexual intercourse.”
Let’s define sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is any illicit sexual behavior up until the point of sexual intercourse. That is what it means. Basically, there are three gears that we need to talk about when we think about connecting with the opposite sex.
The first gear is the “embracing” gear. That is hugging, kissing and holding hands.
The second gear is the “caressing” gear. That’s when we caress the other one’s body with the clothes on.
The third gear is the “stimulation” gear. That is genital contact with the clothes off and other things that I will not describe.
Pastors, Bible teachers, theologians, marriage and family relational experts will all tell you to stop at the first gear. That’s it. Don’t go to second and don’t go to third.
Once you do, you are going to be sexually speeding. When you go to second and third gear, you are going to be a victim of an avalanche. You’ll feel the spiritual junk, psychological junk, the physical junk, and the emotional junk. The guilt, the self-deception, desertion will fall on you and then you will become a car that hydroplanes on this freeway called “relationship.” You won’t know which way to go. Literally, your windows will become so foggy, that you can’t even see the signs.
Don’t miss this. Listen to me very carefully. Here is another reason that God says to keep sex reserved for marriage. When we are involved sexually, and especially this is true for women, outside the marriage bed, it destroys your discernment. It totally whacks out your reasoning. In other words, you can’t see the signs. It fogs up the windows. You can’t make important decisions. You can’t really see the person the way you should see the person. It’s all because of the power of sex. Remember, you have got the spiritual bond, the psychological bond, the physical bond and the emotional bond. No wonder you can’t see! No wonder you are going to make the wrong choice.
Have you ever wondered why it seems like World War III when people who are dating break up? [Ed makes crying sound to demonstrate what happens] It seems like the end of the world. More often than not, it is because of the power of sex. They have bonded sexually, and when they break up, there is a spiritual tearing, a psychological tearing, a physical tearing and an emotional tearing. They are being avalanched on. No wonder.
That’s why we have to work on communication, conflict resolution, and hazardous cargo before the wedding runner. That way we can see the genius of God. God is good and he wants the best. So, stop after the first gear.
Also, have conversations with the person you are dating about your physical limits, about the speed limits, to first gear. Tell them, “We will not put ourselves in positions or places that will cause us to compromise.”
Maybe you’re saying, “Ed, this seems kind of restrictive. I don’t understand this whole restrictive thing. I don’t get it.”
I pray that you will see the wisdom of God. It’s almost like buying a kite. Think about it this way. You go to a store and you buy a kite. Let’s say you say to yourself, “I’m going to give this kite absolute freedom. I’m not going to put a string on the kite. I’m just going to give it absolute freedom.”
When you launch a kite with absolute freedom, what is going to happen? Every time, it will crash. Every time it will hit the ground — bam, bam, bam! The moment you tie a string to the kite, restrict it and run a little bit with it, what’s going to happen? That kite will take off.
Our sexuality is the same way. If you try to give it absolute freedom, it is going to crash every time. It might be a year, two years, or five years from now, but it’s going to crash every time. But, if you put the Biblical restraint on it, and you let God put his string on it, what is going to happen? It’s going to take off. It’s going to soar. I don’t know about you, but I want to soar in all areas. I want to soar emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically. I want to soar sexually. I believe you do, too. But we have got to do it God’s way. God’s way works. I know it sounds elementary, but his way works.
Some people say, “Ed, I hear you screaming. I understand this sexual speed limit. I’ll be avalanched on. I understand the problems of hydroplaning around this dangerous curve and it will fog the windows and I can’t see. Ed, I hear you. But we are different. We are committed to each other. Marriage is in the cards. We are probably going to get married. We think everything is cool, so we have decided to move. We’re going to live on a street called ’Test Drive.’ We are going to cohabitate, move in together. We are going to get married. Everything is cool. God understands that, so we can have sex. This message is for other people. For us, we are on ’Test Drive.’”
Maybe your argument goes like this: “Pretty much all of us have a car. When you bought your car, you didn’t just walk into a dealership and plop down money and arbitrarily jump into a car and drive off. You did a test drive. You really checked the car out. That rationale sounds good, so I’m just going to ‘test drive’ with him. I’m going to ‘test drive’ with her. We are just going to play the role and see how everything is going.”
What if you walked into a dealership and said, “I’m going to go ahead and test drive this car for a year.”
What do you think the car dealer would do? He’d say, “Are you crazy?”
But you insist, “No. Just for a year, I’ll take it.”
What will happen after you test-drive a car for a year? You will have door dings on it, scratches on it. You would say, “Man, I’m going to trade it in for a newer model.” That’s what you would say.
People “test drive” for a number of reasons. Some say, “I test drive for financial reasons. It makes financial sense. We are going to get married. Living together just saves money.”
Other people say, “I test drive because I don’t want to go through a divorce, like my parents went through. I don’t want to go through that pain and that wreckage so let’s just test drive and, if it works out, everything is cool.”
I hear you, but let’s really get down deep. Let’s just talk about the real issues of why people test drive. Let me talk to the ladies first.
Ladies, let me tell you why you test drive. You test drive because you think, if you can get your man in your car, that after driving with you for awhile, one day, he will give you the diamond and he will marry you. You think that you can manipulate him into marriage. You think he will say, “This is so good, this test driving thing is so incredible, I’ve just got to marry her.”
One survey said that 70% of women who live on Test Drive have marriage on their minds. I believe the other 30% are in denial, but that’s a whole other story.
Men, I want to tell you why you test drive. It really can be summed up in one word — sex. That’s why you test drive. You have the benefits of marriage, sex, without any commitment. It’s the best of both worlds for guys.
The women are saying, “Ed, I am totally insulted that you would even say that! You don’t know my man. You see, the guy I am test-driving with, he loves me for who I am. It’s not about sex. He is not that shallow.”
I’ll tell you what. I hear you. I want you to do some homework for me. Go home and talk to this man who is so “deep.”
Tell him, “Honey, we are not going to have sex for six weeks.”
Tell him that, and watch his expression. Then, see how many days he stays with you on Test Drive. He’ll be out within a week. He’s gone. You will smell exhaust fumes from his Ferrari.
A while back, I talked with a couple here at Fellowship Church. They were doing the test drive thing. They were living on Test Drive, and they bought into all this stuff. One day, they saw what God said about sexually speeding, cohabitation and all that. They decided to do it God’s way. They moved to separate residences. They waited a year. They dated around God’s directives. They got married and, today, they have a great relationship.
They told me, “Ed, any time you talk about test drive, please tell our story and we want to tell the church that God’s way works.” Those are their words, not mine.
If you are on Test Drive, move out. Move out. Go to separate residences. Live there and do it God’s way. Then, if you keep the speed limit and wait for about a year, you can get married. But, if you are living on Test Drive, why do you want a church wedding? Ladies, why do you even want to wear a white wedding gown? Why?
I think we can see our God is a great God. He has given us the speed limit sign for a reason. Think about the protection. I can go on and on about this. Think about the protection that God wants. All these STDs’ out there, and God wants to protect us from it.
Speaking of STDs, there is a breakthrough. There is a new STD that many of you have, but you don’t know you have it. It’s called the “Stupid Thinking Disorder.” A lot of people, because of our culture, think you can sexually speed and get away with it. They think you can do this stuff and everything is okay. But, it’s not true.
Here’s the deal, the bottom line for many here. It’s a choice. It’s a decision. We’re at a crossroads. It’s all about the cross, isn’t it? We don’t have the power to live this way by ourselves. We don’t have the power. Only God does. Yet, God has sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sexual sin. I don’t care what you have done, how far you are away from God. There is a decision time. There is a crossroads. If you decide to go God’s way and submit to God’s grace, his forgiveness, and his cleansing power, here is what can happen to you. You will have the octane and the power to live the kind of life and choose the kind of mate that God desires.
I don’t care if your virginity is past tense. I don’t care what you are involved in. I am telling you that today is the day for many of you to say, “I am going to do it God’s way. I am going to wait until marriage for sex; because I will choose the right person and God will bless this gift in an incredible way. As he puts his restraint on it, his kite string, it will soar. And I want to soar. I want to be the kind of man, the kind of woman, God, that you desire.”
I believe that many here need to say that.
While growing up, I went to some rough schools. I did not go to private schools. I went to some really tough public schools. Some of the junior and senior highs that I went to, because I went to several, were pretty mean. A lot of people carried knives and weapons, even back in the 70’s, to school. In sixth and seventh grade, we had a big old smoking circle for the students outside. It was pretty crazy.
Anyway, one day, this guy gave me this knife. {Ed holds up the knife that he has had for years] I was in the seventh grade. It had a dragon on it. He had probably just stolen it.
He said, “Here, Ed.”
I said, “Thanks.”
So I’ve had this knife for a long time. When my son, E.J., was five years old, he saw this knife in my closet and he said, “Dad, can I hold the knife?”
I said, “Come here, E.J. Don’t tell your mom.”
I handed him the knife and he held it.
He said, “Dad, take the blade out.”
I said, “E.J., okay, I will.”
So, I took the blade out. I handed him the knife this way [with the handle facing out]. I’ll tell you what he did. He grabbed the blade. His little fingers wrapped around that blade and he was white-knuckling that blade.
I said, “E.J., let go of the blade.”
He was just smiling and holding the blade.
I said, more nervously, “E.J., let go of the blade. It can cut you and mess you up.”
I’ll never forget watching him just slowly let go of the blade. Then I took the knife.
I said, “Son, when you are older, I will teach you the right way to handle a knife.”
I’ve shown him the right way to handle a knife. Now, this is his knife. He let me use it this morning. This knife represents our sexuality. God, in his grace and wisdom, has said, “Here is this gift called ‘sex.’”
Most of us just grab the blade, don’t we? If we grab the blade, if we say, “Mine,” it can maim us, cut us, and scar us. But the moment we unclench, the moment we relax our fingers and allow our Father to take it and our Father to show us how to use it, then we can become the kind of sexual creatures that God desires.
That’s what it is about. What does God say?
He says simply, “Don’t ignore the signs.”