2 Have & 2 Hold: Part 5 – Women are from Venus: Transcript

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2 HAVE AND 2 HOLD SERMON SERIES

WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS – UNDERSTANDING THE NEEDS OF WOMEN

ED YOUNG

MAY 14, 1995

While growing up one of my favorite television programs was a show called Lost In Space.  Do you remember that one?  It was a show about the Robinsons and they were literally lost in space.  They would travel from planet to planet trying to find their way home.  The Robinsons were like a typical, average, ordinary American space cadet family.  They had children and they also had a pet.  But they had a unique pet.  The pet was a robot.  And every time the robot would see another person or another creature trying to invade the Robinsons’ space, this machine would light up like a Christmas tree, he would flail his arms in the air and say, “Warning, warning alien approaching.  Warning, warning alien approaching.”  It is sad to say but most men are lost in space when it comes to relating to the opposite sex.  When we see a female coming, when we see a person from another planet called a woman invading our space, we say within ourselves, “Warning, warning alien approaching.  Alien approaching.”  Because we don’t really understand the needs and the desires of a woman.

Sigmund Freud said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I still have not answered the question, what is it a woman really wants?”  Freud said that.  What is it a woman really wants?  He was not even sure.  Women are complex creatures and God has told us time and time again in the Bible that He made a man and He made a woman in His image, He made them unique, one of a kind and the differences are intentional.  God wants men to be men and women to be women.  He does not, though, want us to relate to women, men, like a mindless robot from Lost In Space.  God has taken the time and energy and effort to spare us from all of these problems and conflicts and difficulties that often we deal with.  He has told us in the Bible how to understand the deepest needs of a woman.  And this morning we are going to tackle this intriguing subject.

The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:3 the following words.  “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s needs.”  Obviously you have to understand the woman’s needs, men, before you can meet the woman’s needs.  Author John Grey said it profoundly in his title MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.  So today, men, I have taken the word Venus and made a acronym out of it.  VENUS.  I was talking to a friend of mine about this acronym and I was saying Venus.  What do you think about when I say that word, when I spell it out concerning the needs of a woman.  And he said, “Oh, that’s easy.  V stands for visa, E stands for American Express, N stands for Neimans, U stands for Ungaro and S stands for Saks Fifth Avenue.”  The women were laughing harder on the first one, weren’t they?  It became more and more real as I went down the list.

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2 HAVE AND 2 HOLD SERMON SERIES

WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS – UNDERSTANDING THE NEEDS OF WOMEN

ED YOUNG

MAY 14, 1995

While growing up one of my favorite television programs was a show called Lost In Space.  Do you remember that one?  It was a show about the Robinsons and they were literally lost in space.  They would travel from planet to planet trying to find their way home.  The Robinsons were like a typical, average, ordinary American space cadet family.  They had children and they also had a pet.  But they had a unique pet.  The pet was a robot.  And every time the robot would see another person or another creature trying to invade the Robinsons’ space, this machine would light up like a Christmas tree, he would flail his arms in the air and say, “Warning, warning alien approaching.  Warning, warning alien approaching.”  It is sad to say but most men are lost in space when it comes to relating to the opposite sex.  When we see a female coming, when we see a person from another planet called a woman invading our space, we say within ourselves, “Warning, warning alien approaching.  Alien approaching.”  Because we don’t really understand the needs and the desires of a woman.

Sigmund Freud said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I still have not answered the question, what is it a woman really wants?”  Freud said that.  What is it a woman really wants?  He was not even sure.  Women are complex creatures and God has told us time and time again in the Bible that He made a man and He made a woman in His image, He made them unique, one of a kind and the differences are intentional.  God wants men to be men and women to be women.  He does not, though, want us to relate to women, men, like a mindless robot from Lost In Space.  God has taken the time and energy and effort to spare us from all of these problems and conflicts and difficulties that often we deal with.  He has told us in the Bible how to understand the deepest needs of a woman.  And this morning we are going to tackle this intriguing subject.

The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:3 the following words.  “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s needs.”  Obviously you have to understand the woman’s needs, men, before you can meet the woman’s needs.  Author John Grey said it profoundly in his title MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.  So today, men, I have taken the word Venus and made a acronym out of it.  VENUS.  I was talking to a friend of mine about this acronym and I was saying Venus.  What do you think about when I say that word, when I spell it out concerning the needs of a woman.  And he said, “Oh, that’s easy.  V stands for visa, E stands for American Express, N stands for Neimans, U stands for Ungaro and S stands for Saks Fifth Avenue.”  The women were laughing harder on the first one, weren’t they?  It became more and more real as I went down the list.

Anyway, let’s jump right into the V.  Give me a V.  This V letter represents a major need a woman has, verbal communication.  No applause please, lady.  Verbal communication.  One of the frustrating things about living in the metroplex is this, and I love this area, but this one thing really gets me.  It is when someone will give me an 817 number.  When I dial this number I am not sure, do I dial 1 817 or just plain 817?  Normally I will take the risk and not put a 1 before the 817 and then it will ring for a couple of times and then…..”I’m sorry, the number you are trying to reach requires a long distance code…”  Have you ever felt frustrated in trying to relate to a woman like than, men?  You know you are trying to dial into her system, into where she is coming from and you can’t really do it.  I have.  It is frustrating.

Women speak 12,000 more words a day than men do.  They are better conversationalists than we are.  We better learn from them and understand how to communicate verbally.  That is why Proverbs 13:17 says, “Reliable communication (circle the word communication) permits progress.”  If you want to have marital progress you talk to your husband, you talk to your wife.  Husbands understand that one of a wife’s greatest needs is verbal communication and your marriage will progress.  Walk into a restaurant, like I did last night after our 6 o’clock Saturday service.  I saw a group of guys having dinner and I saw a group of girls having dinner.  The guys were communicating in one word sound bites.  “Yes.” ” No.”

“Michael Jordan.”  “John Dailey.”  “Cool.”  “Hip.”  “Yeah.”  The women on the other hand were all talking at once and yet they were understanding each other.  We have got a major difference here.  Oftentimes my wife will talk to me and she is talking about something and she is going on and on and I see what she is trying to tell me, I think.  And I say, “Lisa, just do that.  Make that decision.  Tell him this, tell her that and that’s that.”  And I have missed the point.  You see it is not that a conversation has a goal, men.  That is not the point.  So get the goal out of your mind, get the solution out of your mind, get a decision to be made out of your mind.  It is the art of communicating.  Right, ladies?  Listening, talking, revealing your feelings, feeling those feelings.  It is called verbal communication.

Proverbs 26:23 says, “Insincere talk hides what you are really thinking.”  I know men here who never share their feelings with their bride.  They are always hiding stuff, and having this agenda and that agenda.  Men, begin to make I feel statements.  Reveal your feelings, even your insecurities.  I know that is tough for some of you macho, Wrangler wearing, Justin boot sporting guys to kind of admit your insecurities.  Once you begin to do that watch this need really get satisfied in your wife’s life.  Philippians 2:4.  “Don’t just think about your own affairs (that’s easy isn’t it, men) but be interested in others (be interested in your spouse, too) and what they are doing.”  Here is your homework, guys.  Here is how to help yourself verbally communicate.  I mean this is going to really assist you in talking to your wife.  I call it the sweet sixteen method.  You know I love health food and I really watch my diet.  But now and then, those of you who know me well know, I will cheat on the diet,  And one of the main areas I like to cheat on is donuts.  Have you ever seen those sweet sixteen powder donuts before at Tom Thumb?  Sixteen of them, man those babies are laced with fat and they are good.  And I will buy those now and then and I will take, I don’t know why I do this, the donuts (it’s kind of gross) and dip them in skim milk of all things and eat them.  And Lisa will come home and she will say, “Ed, you’ve gotten sweet sixteen donuts again.”  I will have the powdered sugar all over my face.

I want to talk to you about sweet sixteen, sixteen sweet minutes of communication, men and it is up to you to do this.  Turn off the CD player, turn off ESPN, make sure the kids are in bed and you sit there and you talk to your spouse.  Now I am going to tell you something.  Probably the woman will do 80% of the talking and that is fine.  You listen and you communicate and you see this need met.

Give me an E.  Emotional support.  We’ve got verbal communication.  Next we have got emotional support.  Women say that emotional support is the cement that holds the relationship together and most men kind of cop out.  We go, “Well you know I was brought up in a home and my parents never taught me how to express my feelings or they never taught me how to emotionally support someone, so I am just the way I am.”  And we want to bash our parents and talk down about them.  Hey, wake up. There are a lot of things I do, and a lot of things that you do that you didn’t learn from your parents.  You can learn how to emotionally support and how to be affectionate to your spouse, to your honey.  You really can.  It is a habit and once you develop this habit it becomes a part of your nature.  Proverbs 5:15  “Be faithful to your own wife and give her your love alone.”  You see, men were trained to be overcomers, conquerors and achievers not feelers and sensitive conversationalists.  We have to learn how to do this stuff.  Colossians 3:19   “Husbands, give your wives much love.  Never treat them harshly.”  Guys, wake up, look at me, don’t miss this one.  Hey, guys, the Byron Nelson isn’t being played yet.  Not here, it’s not.  Today when you go home, I want you to pop the big question to your spouse.  Men, I mean the big question.  Write this one down.  Have your pen or pencil out.  Here is the big question.  “Honey.”  Start it with that.  “Honey, are you satisfied with the emotional support that I am giving you in our marriage?”  Honey, are you satisfied with the emotional support that I am giving you in our marriage.  Now, once you pick your wife up off the floor after asking her that question, then she will begin to tell you what everything is about.  That is the big question.  The Bible also says, be affectionate and sympathetic with your wife.  Sympathetic, affectionate.  Some of you guys who are big time guys, big hulking tough guys, you are going “Now wait a minute, Ed, the Bible is telling me to be some type of a soft male, kind of sensitive, kind of in touch with my feelings, empathetic?”  That’s right.  That is what the Bible is saying.  And guys, here is a side note.  Men and women keep score differently.  John Grey talks about this.  You see, men, this is a major problem, I think, in my marriage, OK I will work on a couple of giant projects twice a year for Lisa.  And I kind of call these projects three point shots.  You know if you can pull this off, a surprise vacation, boom, that is like hitting a three pointer.  Or if I can buy her that ring, oh that’s a major thing.  Maybe a ring and a vacation all in one year.  That’s major.  You see, I have messed up.  Men we have messed up.  Everything counts the same to a woman.  I don’t care if you take her to Hawaii or if you buy her a Hallmark card from Tom Thumb, it is all one point.  I don’t care if you open up a car door or if you say, “I like your dress”, it’s one point.  Everything, men, is one point.  One point.  There are no three point shots.  There is no reverse, triple, double, slam dunks.  It is all, men, one point.  Thank you very much.

Give me a N.  That stands for a nurturing spouse.  Women have to have a nurturing spouse.  And I am talking here about family commitment.  The word nurture means to strengthen.  They want a man who doesn’t leave his creativity and his leadership and his ingenuity at the office and come home and just kind of relax in the Lazy Boy.  They want a man who takes that and is committed to the family, who loves his children, who spends time with them, who puts them as a more important priority than anything else in his life.  They want him to schedule them in.  Ephesians 5:29   “No man ever hates his own flesh but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it as Christ does the church.”  Invest in your family.  Ephesians 6:4   “Fathers, don’t overcorrect your children or make it difficult for them to obey.  Bring them up with Christian teaching in Christian discipline.”  Too many distant fathers option off discipline and parental responsibilities to their wives.  And then they become the proverbial playmates.  If you do that, Dads, you will bring up a bunch of lonely, little leaguers and cheerless cheerleaders because you have to be involved in this nurturing process.  Co-laborers.  The Bible says two shall become one.  Nurturing.  Again it is a major need of a woman.

Give me a U.  That stands for an ultimate purpose.  Women want to be connected with a man whose life and whose purpose transcends the temporal.  They don’t want to be connected with some comatose couch potato who snores and bores her to death.  They want to be hooked up with someone who has a greater calling than just picket fences or promotions or Stars games and the Byron Nelson Classic.  They want to be hooked up to someone who knows Christ personally, someone whose life is dedicated to stuff that has eternal ramifications and when women are hooked up with a man like that, they are back in the shadows choking back the tears as they see their man involved in the church and involved in helping others.  And some of you women right now are sitting alone because your husbands are involved in our ushering ministry, our parking ministry, our greeting ministry, our preschool ministry, our children’s ministry and I can go on and on and on.  And you know what I am talking about.  Because your man is involved in something more than just this temporal stuff.  Women crave to be involved with someone who has a higher calling and ultimate purpose.  Romans 9:17   “I raised you up for this very purpose that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”  Philippians 2:2   “Love each other and agree wholeheartedly with each other, working together with one heart and mind and purpose.”

Now if you are like me, you kind of see this and you kind of go, “Wait a minute, Ed, you have already told me I am to be sensitive, meet her emotional needs, nurture her, now you are telling me to be some strong guy, some guy with this ultimate purpose.  I cannot be two people at once.  I am either a strong guy or kind of a soft guy.  Which one shall I be.  The Bible tells me to be both.  I’m sorry I just can’t do it.”  Yeah, the Bible does tell you to be both and women want both.  That is why women are so complex.  And let me tell you why women want both.  A woman has a better understanding intuitively of the nature and character of God, men.  It is a fact.  And once a woman comes to know Jesus Christ personally, once she begins to read the Bible, once she begins to pray and get involved in the church, she see that she serves a God who is balanced.  On one hand a God of judgement, a God of power, a God of condemnation.  On the other hand a God of forgiveness, a God of grace, a God of mercy, a God of compassion, a God of love.  And then they see the nature and character of God, they worship God and then they see their husbands and they want their husbands to be a full bodied image of the nature and character of God, being strong and soft, being tough and sensitive, knowing when to take it to the line and knowing when to back off.  And they desire this, they want this.  How about it guys?  How about it?  Are you ready to be a man?  Are you ready to step over the line and say “I’m going to count for something more than just the here and now.  I’m going to go for it.”

Give me an S.  A woman wants someone who can give her financial security.  Financial security.  I am not talking about major money.  I am not talking about millions and millions of dollars.  I’m talking about security.  Women crave it.  They desire it.  And here is a strong verse here.  I Timothy 5:8   “If anyone does not provide for his relatives especially for his immediate family, he is denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  Whoa.  Proverbs 12:9   “It is better to be an ordinary man working for a living than to play the part of someone great but to go hungry.”  Men, we are to take responsibility for our wives.  That means life insurance.  That means wills.  That means if something tragic happened to you or to me that they would be well taken care of.  It also means working hard.  You see the Bible talks about work.  And God says I have built this desire of work in all of you.  I have woven it into the framework of your personhood.  God worked for six days when He created the earth.  On the seventh day He rested.  We are made to work.  We are not made to chill and just relax and just kind of throw our lives away.  The Bible says do not be a sluggard, someone who is just lazy.  The Bible says to work and women want to see someone involved in this.  And I will even get a little bit deeper here.  Let’s say, for example, you are married to a wife and your wife works outside the home and you have a couple of children.  And let’s say one day she walks in and she goes, “You know, honey, I have been praying about this for awhile and I feel led to stay at home.  I want to be a homemaker.”  Now you have got to remember, right now you are living in a nice house, driving two nice cars, everything is going fine and good, more clothes, more restaurants, etc. etc.  Husbands, if you are the leader, you grant your wife’s desire and you scale down if you have to, even to an apartment, to let her live as a homemaker caring for those children.  That is your responsibility.  If you had to take two or three jobs, it is your responsibility.  They need security.  Financial security.  And next week I am going to spend an entire session on the topic when I talk about The Attack of the Killer Fees.  That is next week, we talk about finances.  Because finances and sex are two of the major causes of divorce and we are talking about finances next week.

I am going to end it right now because it is time to take a test, guys.  Last week we gave a test to the ladies.  This week a test to the guys.  Here is what I want you to do.  Take out a pen and you will see the little line beside each letter.  I want you to rank, women don’t help them now, I want you to rank the number one need of a woman, the number two need, three need, four need, five need.  They are not in order.  But you do it, I will give you twenty seconds to do it and we will switch papers and grade these papers.  Start right now.  OK.  These guys are already through.  Number one.  Emotional support.  Who got that right.  Man, we’ve got some satisfied wives here.  Number two.  Verbal communication.  Yeah.  That is right up there.  Number three.  This one surprised me.  Financial security.  Number four, a nurturing spouse.  And number five, an ultimate purpose.  Did you get 100?  Let’s give this man a round of applause right here.  Yes.  OK.  Here is what I want you to do with this.  I want you to take this card home, use it this week as you discuss with your spouse, her needs.  These needs are not necessarily the five needs of every woman here, of every wife here.  It will help in the dialogue, it will help you to begin to communicate.

And talking about communication, and talking about a woman’s need, I though it would be nice for you to hear from my wife concerning meeting the needs of a woman.  So welcome Lisa Young.

I’m here today to tell you about the greatest gift that Ed has ever given me but to do that I have to give you some background.  Many of you have thumbed through your bulletin and you have seen a picture of our family.  Ed and I have been married for thirteen years, we have four children.  You have probably seen that picture much more than you ever cared to see that picture.  If you notice, we are all smiling.  Isn’t that great?  But I can tell you that that is not always the case.  I know it is hard for you to believe but our family doesn’t smile all the time.  We have four lovely children, LeeBeth, EJ, Laurie and Landra.  We moved quickly from a family of four to a family of six and I cannot tell you what went through our minds when that doctor said, “You’re expecting twins.”  I was by myself at the time and I just went into hysterical laughter.  And the sonogram technician said, “You know, Mrs. Young, I have had people cry, I have had people faint, but I have never had people laugh when they can’t stop.”  Well, if you think that is strange you should have seen the look on Ed’s face that I have taped on video when I showed him the sonogram photograph of baby left and baby right.  He did not faint but he put his head down on his desk for a very long time.  And the children who were there with us as I gave this news to him said, “What’s wrong with Daddy, will he ever pick his head up?”  It was a definite shock but we went through the pregnancy pretty much without any problems.  We were very blessed.  I was not put to bed but I was extremely tired all the time.  We thought, if we can just make it through this pregnancy…..  Well I can tell you that the tiredness we experienced in pregnancy is the easiest thing that we have dealt with having had twins.  So that was a piece of cake.  You cannot imagine.

But before we brought these precious little ones home from the hospital, I guess I was about seven months pregnant, I went to the mail box and got the mail.  In the mail was a Focus on the Family magazine put out by James Dobson.  And in that issue, for some reason, they had an article on the needs of men and, of course, being the wife that I am, I looked closely at that article.  I didn’t read anything else first, I went straight to read that.  No, I didn’t.  But I did read it.  But one of the greatest needs of a man that it listed was a tranquil home and I looked at it and I thought, “Oh, Lord, please no.”  And I looked back at it and I though there is no way.  If this is the truth, we are doomed.  I though maybe I could call an 800 number and ask Dr. Dobson if he had misprinted this.  I hoped that he had.  Because knowing what our house was like then with just the two children and guessing what it might be like with the twins added, I thought poor Ed, he is never going to get his needs met, because I just can’t envision tranquility in our home.              But that stayed in my mind and, of course, we did bring the babies home from the hospital.  And Ed was much better at airing his frustrations.  He would talk about it and he would say, “Will we ever be able to go out to eat again?”  “How are we going to make it?”  “What are we going to do?”  He would ask questions like that.  I was always trying to keep that tranquil feeling and “Oh, it’s going to be fine.”  But inside I was going, it’s not going to be fine.  No, it’s not going to be fine.  And finally, over a period of months, and I would say it was about when the twins were maybe six months old, my frustration had just mounted up, I had bottled it up inside, not because he had made me do that, because that is just how I deal with stuff like this.  And finally, I wish I could tell you that we sat down and I said, “Ed, I’d like to explain to you my needs.”  But I didn’t do that.  I took other little things that he would do, and I would pick and I would snap at him.  And little things that normally wouldn’t get to me, got to me.  And the same thing with the children.  And finally Ed in his wisdom said, “Lisa, what’s the deal?”  And I came to a point where I could sit down and say “I’ll tell you what the deal is.  I am frustrated.  I have been trying to keep this tranquil feeling in our home.  But there is not tranquility here, honey, it’s a farce.”  And I shared with him my frustrations and at that point I told him, “You know you talk about how hard it is and about what are we going to do but you leave every morning and you look good when you go out that door and you go to work and you eat lunch with grownups.  You come and go as you please pretty much.  And I feel trapped.  I feel like I am caught here in this perpetual maze of life in our home.  And then there are those trips that you take sometimes, you know maybe once a year you go off by yourself with a couple of guys and go fishing and I don’t get to do that.”  That was a tough one, I saved that one for last.  But it was true.  And I loved the fact that Ed could get away, because that is how he relaxes.  I mean if Ed didn’t do that he would be bonkers just like I was at that point.  And so he said, “Lisa, I tell you what I am going to do.  You are going to go on a trip.  And that was the gift that he gave me this week.  I got to choose where I wanted to go and I choose East Texas.  I went to a bed and breakfast in Jefferson, Texas.  I highly recommend Jefferson, it was absolutely wonderful.  He and I had been there before.  But I want to tell you why it was so important to me to get away.  I have a journal, it is in a spiral notebook and there are about 300 pages blank but now I have two filled because I was gone for two nights.  It will be next year before I have two more pages.  But this is why it was important and I just took time to jot down the reasons down.  And I would never have time to do that at home.  One thing was that I had time alone to meditate, to thank God for the Savior that He had given me in His Son Jesus Christ, for that relationship that I have with Him because of Christ, and just to get to know Him more.  To pray to Him, and take some time alone with Him.  And then I had time to evaluate, to say, “You know, Lisa, where are you in your spiritual pilgrimage, in your pilgrimage as a wife, a homemaker, with the children.  And so I read over Proverbs 31 which is a very dear passage about the role of a Godly woman, and I reread it.  And I highlighted parts that I though it was doing fine with and then I starred some things where I needed to work and some areas that definitely needed improvement.  So I took time to do that.  I set some goals for myself, things that I would like to do.  Set some goals for our family, for my relationship with Ed, and things that we would want to do with our children.  And then I strategized how to meet those goals.  It is no good to set goals if you don’t strategize how it’s going to be done.

But then, I took time for pampering.  I slept.  I didn’t fix anybody’s meals.  I didn’t take anyone to the rest room.  I didn’t cut any meat for anyone.  I didn’t wipe anyone’s nose.  I just took care of me.  And I loved it.  I was totally by myself.  I didn’t go with a friend.  I went totally alone.  And it was great.  But the best thing that I did while I was there was that I wrote down a list of our immediate family members and though of ways that they had blessed me.  I wrote down our daughter, LeeBeth, EJ, Laurie and Landra and I wrote positive characteristics that I love about them.  No critical things.  Just positive things.  And the list just flowed and flowed and flowed.  And then when I got home I was able to say thank You and this is what I appreciate about you.  And I saved the best for last and I wrote a list about Ed.  And I thought about the days of our courtship, things that we did special, little pet names that we had for each other.  I wrote it down.  He is getting a little nervous here.  (Yes, it’s about time to end this now).  But I did.  I took time to reminisce and even think about things in the present that are great, his creativity, his laughter, how proud I am of the job that he does here at the church, all those things.  And this trip was very important to me.  Probably a lot of that is due to the fact that Ed sacrificed for me to go on this trip.  I wasn’t easy for him.  He rearranged his schedule, he took EJ, if you can imagine, to the church for a half day when he had to do some things.  He had to take some time off.  And really, it was a sacrifice for him.  But he was willing to do it.  Not for a fishing trip, not for anything else, but for me.  And that meant the world.

But during this time of communication when I aired my frustration, and Ed shared some of his, we were able to talk about things on a day to day basis, ways that he needed help, ways that I needed help, how we could come together.  And now the big motto in our home is teamwork.  We can do this together and it is not going to come to a point of frustration when I just explode and lose it, crazy Mom in the house.  But we are going to be able to work this through and communicate on a daily basis and I just thank God that he sought to do that for me and for our family.  And I challenge you guys, and women, to share your needs because they are not going to know unless you share.  Thank you very much.

Well you can see I married way over my head.  I really did.