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VIRTUOUS REALITY SERMON SERIES
THE PARENT TRAP – DAVID AND ABSALOM
ED YOUNG
OCTOBER 22, 1995
The eyes of our nation are focused on men these days, from Promise Keepers conferences to Million Men Marches in Washington, DC, from men’s tribal retreats to the militia movement. Everyone is talking about men. Men want to make a difference. We want role models who model to us authenticity, integrity and compassion. Years ago, the eyes of an entire nation were focused on one man and this one man was the sole role model of the nation of Israel. His name was David. We have been talking about David for the last couple of weeks. All the Israelites looked to David for an example and they wanted David to model authenticity, integrity and compassion. And in many areas he did model these great character qualities, however, in some areas he failed miserably.
Today we are going to look at an area where David messed up, where he fumbled the ball. We have called this message, The Parent Trap. We are going to learn from David, not by following his example but by learning from his example. King David, the parent, was the major problem. We have three goals in today’s message. First of all I want to encourage you, not discourage you. Secondly, I want to stand along side you, not above you. I am a fellow struggler with this whole parental thing. And thirdly, I want to challenge you and motivate you and stimulate you, especially the men here, to be the kind of parents that God wants you to be. I know we have many, many singles who are listening to my voice. Most of your single men will one day be married and ultimately you will become parents. Now is the time to learn, now is the time to start this whole process in your mind, so you can be a great Dad, a great leader in your family. So sit back and relax and listen to the story of David and his children. David’s kids would give Beeves and Buthead a run for their money, if you know what I mean.
In I Samuel 13, David’s oldest son, Amnon, was playing a trick that is ancient, he faked illness. Amnon had a sexual drive that was out of control. He called his father into his bedroom and said, “Dad, I am really feeling bad and there is only one person who can make me feel better, who can cook for me and care for me and that is my half-sister, Tamar.” And Tamar was probably Jr. Miss Palestine. David promised he would send Tamar to nurse him back to health. She walked into Amnon’s room. Amnon raped his half-sister, Tamar. David found out about it and he didn’t do one thing. The Bible says that he got angry but he didn’t slap him on the wrist, he didn’t put him on restriction, he didn’t take care of the situation, he just backed off.
The next to the oldest son was Absalom. The Bible says that he was handsome in form and appearance. I am sure Absalom had some great abs, the guy was ripped. Absalom wanted attention from his father badly. He wanted his dad to notice him and when he found out about the rape he was hacked. He was angry and he waited for his father to do something. Two years go by, nothing happens. So Absalom throws this giant family reunion party, the central theme being sheep shearing. That was a big thing back in Biblical times. He invited his father. David, God’s man, made excuses that he was too busy to attend. Amnon showed up and Absalom gets Amnon drunk and then has him killed. David finds out about the murder in his family, and again, God’s man, this person who is supposed to be modeling true masculinity, does nothing. A soft male, a male who didn’t want to rock the parental boat. And Absalom flees to a place called Gesher and he stays there for three years hoping that his father would call for his return. One day David’s right hand man by the name of Joab, knowing that David wanted to be in community with his son, went to Gesher to bring Absalom back to Jerusalem. Despite living in the same city, in the same palace, Absalom and David still did not speak for two years. Absalom is about to die. He does something else to get his father’s attention, he asks Joab if he could arrange a meeting of the two. Joab does not return his calls, he does not check his voice mail. Finally, Absalom has had enough and he burns down the fields of Joab just so his father would notice him. They did have a brief meeting, but after the meeting Absalom goes crazy. He is trying to say, “Dad, look at me, notice me, love me.” And all children desperately need our attention, Dads. Absalom gets in his mind that he can overtake the throne. You see when people walked into David’s presence they had to bow to him. Absalom declared that if he became king, he would welcome just a high five or a shake of the hand. He promoted himself as a candidate for the people. A lot of people began to say, “Absalom, Absalom, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.” And Absalom becomes such an egomaniac that he builds a giant monument to himself. He didn’t have any sons and since he was the man, he wanted to leave a giant marker for his life and his contributions to the nation of Israel.
He was almost successful in trying to overtake the throne. One day, though, he was riding his mule through a forest being chased by Joab. Absalom’s hair, the Bible tells us, weighed over three pounds. As he is riding, his hair is flowing in the wind and gets caught in the limb of an oak tree. The mule keeps going and Absalom remains hanging in the tree, caught by his hair. Well Joab arrives, takes his spear and kills Absalom and throws him in a pit. See the parallel? Absalom planned a great monument as a tomb but he ended up in a pit, a graveyard for dogs. David was informed. The Bible says that David was heartbroken. He mourned the death of his son. He went into his bedroom and cried and cried. Here is an interesting point. David was lamenting the death of his son in the same place the sin began years and years ago when David had sex outside the marriage bed with Bathsheba. Is that a wild account, or what? That is the reason I love the Bible, because the Bible not only talks about the strengths of individuals but also recounts their weaknesses. And that is something that we can all identify with. And you thought soap operas were exciting. This stuff here is unbelievable.
I thought about this, this week. What if we could bring David up on this stage, what if he had a chance to review his life. What do you think he would tell us? Specifically now, the men here. What would he say to us? I think that David would tell us three things that he learned about parenting, three basic principles concerning parenting. They are listed for you on your outline, but I did give you some blanks to keep the interest up.
I believe he would say that the private habits of parents oftentimes become the public habits of children. Did you catch that one? The private habits of parents oftentimes become the public habits of children. Where did Amnon get that lustful eye? He got the lustful eye from watching the eyes of his father undress the Biblical babes as they paraded by his house. Where did Absalom get the notion that he could get his brother drunk and then have him killed? He got it from his father because he watched his father years ago rub out Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, the Hittite. He watched his father get Uriah drunk. In a real sense, parents, our children mimic and model the values that we live. I like what James Dobson says, “If you want your child to accept your values when he reaches his teen years, you must be worthy of respect during his younger years.”
Now behind me you will see an array of instruments. You have heard from a wonderful band this morning, as always. I call our band the Holy Smoke Band. This is a guitar. I don’t pretend to play the guitar. I have messed around with the drums a little bit. This guitar is an electric guitar because it has a cord hooked into it and it runs all the way to this amplifier behind me. When one of our band members strums this guitar, it sounds loud. You know why? It is amplified. If I unplug it and then strum it, you could hardly hear it. Parents, your sons and your daughters are amplifiers. When you strum a habit, when you strum a lifestyle, when you strum a character quality, they are going to amplify it. If it is materialism, wow. If it is a forgiving spirit, wow. If it is someone who really loves God, wow. That is a scary thing. And men, we have got to take the leadership, we have got to become the role models, we have got to become the person who strums beautiful music so our children can see those habits and live them out.
What if you have some children and they are exemplifying and amplifying some negative character qualities that you can see in yourself? What do you do? Well, you don’t lead them by edict, Dad, you lead them by example. In the marketplace we are led by edict. Have that report in by Thursday at noon. It is my way or the highway. Your numbers are up. Your numbers are down. See the bell curve. Everything is chop, chop. And then, Dads, we go home and we try to lead our families like we are led in the marketplace. Have that bed made up by 12 noon. Is that report in? Take care of it. It is either my way or the highway. Do this. Do that. That is not the Biblical model, Dad. The Biblical model is not by edict but by example. What would happen, Dads, future Dads, if you looked into the eyes of your son or daughter and you said, “Do as I do.” “Love your Mom like I love your Mom.” “Forgive others like I forgive others.” “Treat others like I treat others.” “Give to the poor like I give to the poor.” What would happen, Dads, if we did that? I’ll tell you what would happen. A revolution would take place because we would be modeling true masculinity and we would escape this parent trap.
The second thing that David would tell us if he had a chance to review his life on this stage is simply this, there is no substitute for time spent with your children. Dads, you can’t delegate this one, you can’t option this off, you can’t explain it away. You can’t do like David did and give it to the nannies or one of his many, many wives. You have to do it. Our children are with us in those impressionable years for just the blink of an eye. Make sure you seize the moment when the clay is soft, when you can really mark them in a beautiful way. The Bible says this in II Samuel 13:6-7, “And when the King came to see him, Amnon asked him for a favor, that his sister, Tamar, be permitted to come and cook a little something for him to eat, and David agreed.” Circle that phrase, David agreed. David did not spend time with his children and because he didn’t spend time with them, he didn’t know his children. David was the one who set up the entire situation that ended in tragedy. David didn’t know his kids. David was the one that sent Amnon to the family reunion. And Absalom had him killed. David did that. He didn’t know his children. Dads, do you know your children? Do you really know who they are?
There is no such thing as quality time. That is a fallacy, a pipe dream, that is a farce. That whole premise was made up by one minute manager wantabes. “OK, honey, I will schedule you in for one hour on Friday and we will have some quality time.” Quality time, Dads, emerges from quantity time. You have got to set aside large blocks of time where you let their agenda become your agenda and then those precious “Kodak moments” will emerge from those large blocks of time. But you see, there is an evil plot going on. When Dad is young, the career has got to be happening, he has got to be making money to provide for the family. He is at work using his creativity and energy and leadership. And oftentimes he walks through the doors of his home and declares time out, with the kids out of his sight. He just wants to relax in his lazyboy and watch another football game. Dads, I want to challenge you to save some of your leadership, your creativity, your ingenuity for the home because whenever a home is bored, I always want to talk to the father. There is something about that masculine touch you can’t even articulate, it is so powerful. It marks kids in such a profound way. Dads, are you there? I mean are you really there? Not only in body but in spirit too, leading, seizing the moment with your children.
This has been a struggle for me. When I go to work I have to spend at least twenty hours a week by myself studying, alone in my office. However, when I want to go into the coffee room and get a hot cup of java, I can do it. When I want to go to lunch with someone, I can go to lunch. When I want to go to the men’s room, I can go to the men’s room. There is soft music in the background. Everyone is dressed nice. A church office. And in a lot of ways it is run like a corporate office because there is a business side to church. You have to be organized. I love it. And I am into this mentality and oftentimes I drive up our driveway, walk through the garage, dodging about 400 toys, go inside and expect tranquility. And we have four children, twins who are fifteen months, a three year old son like me who is into everything and then a nine year old daughter. I have got Laurie and Landra coming up to me, while I am still dressed well, with Oreo cookies mashed on their faces, in their hair and on their hands, giving me big hugs. I have EJ watching yet another episode of Thomas the Tank. I have LeeBeth arguing about some homework assignment. It is a zoo to me. And sometimes I say, “Lisa, I have had a tough day, I’ve been hammered. I am drained. I have got to go somewhere for thirty minutes to chill.” And, men, we need this but what seems to be chaos and dissonance from our perspective, in God’s perspective it is harmony and beauty. And we have got to realize that what I just described is life. Wake up and join the real world or one day we risk looking back and seeing that we missed it. Take care of those precious moments now. Spend time with your children. Capture those defining moments.
Very quickly let me list some defining moments in a kid’s life. Number one, I would say, would be the bedtime. There is something so precious and so sweet about helping your children get to bed, reading them books, praying with them, asking them questions and letting them elaborate on how they feel. Another time would be meals. I try to have at least four nightly meals a week with my family. Make the meals creative. Talk to them if you are in a restaurant or wherever about their feelings. For instance, ask if they could be any animal, what they would choose. What is your favorite thing to do? What is your favorite color? If you could buy anything, what would it be? Get the conversation flowing and you will be blessed in so many ways. I am talking to Dads now. And here is some extra credit, Dads. Turn off the television! I think it is fine that we watch sports and that we want to know what is going on from the news. Turn it off though. My children remind me when I should turn the television off.
My oldest daughter, LeeBeth, preached one of the best sermons to me about a year ago. I was watching TV. We have one of those big screen TVs in our den. It is kind of funny, the den is the TV. I’m doing the channel surfing thing, watching thirteen shows in about thirty minutes and LeeBeth is talking to me. I’m going, “Yeah, uh huh.” Finally, here is what she did. She walked in front of the television and said, “Dad, you are not listening to me.” I assured her I was, that I heard her talk about what happened at recess. She said yes, but that I wasn’t listening to her. She answered that for the last five times this is what I said, “That’s great, LeeBeth.” “That’s great, LeeBeth.” “That’s great, LeeBeth.” And I thought, wow. So turn the television off.
Now briefly let me say a word to single parents, particularly females. You have one of the most challenging jobs known to man and we take our hats off to you, we support you, we want to be your cheerleaders. I want to tell you something, Moms, make sure that you expose your children to some excellent Christian role models. That is why we encourage you and challenge you to expose your children to leaders in this church or if God leads you somewhere else, in another church. Bible teachers, pastors, people who work in the small groups ministry, athletics. Make sure, Moms, that you are doing that. And my prayer for you is that God will multiply your time in a mighty way. The Bible says that when you pray and really seek the mind and face of God, I am talking again to Christian Mom single parents here. God has a way of multiplying your time and bringing in some male role models that will mark them in a mighty, mighty way. And if you want to talk to some other people about it, talk to Pastor Mac Richard, our singles pastor. His Dad left their home when Mac was in the fifth grade, and God gave me and some other men in our church in Houston the ability to step in and do this process for Mac. And Mac is a great guy, not because of me but because of the mighty, mighty grace of God that ambushed him.
Now let’s go to number three. We have David standing up here. He is reviewing his life. He is thinking about parenthood. Here is number three. Failure to discipline your child will always lead to a broken heart. Remember, David didn’t do a thing and this text II Samuel 13:37-39 says that “David longed day after day for fellowship with his son, Absalom.” Then skip down to II Samuel 18:33. “Once David heard the news of Absalom’s death he said, ‘Oh my son, Absalom, my son, my son, Absalom, if only I could have died for you. Oh Absalom, my son, my son.'” You see, parents, we oftentimes think of discipline as something negative. It always blows me away how we compliment adults for having a disciplined life. We think that is good. But then we think about disciplining our children and we think that is bad. Discipline is not punishment. Discipline, parents, is not punishment. We must discipline our children, because if it is good enough for God who started the whole disciplinary process, it better be good enough for me. I have got to keep the ball rolling. God disciplines His children out of love. He disciplines you, He disciplines me. We, in turn, must discipline our children in love. We don’t punish, we discipline. Christ took the punishment for all the sins of the world 2000 years ago. God never punishes, God disciplines. Do you discipline? Don’t be afraid of it. Kids are crying out for it. Little toddlers fold their arms defiantly while still in their playpens. They look around the house, they case the joint and they say to themselves that they are going to take over. Dad looks weak, so does Mom, I’m going to throw a tantrum right now and I can do it. But really that toddler is screaming for discipline. That toddler wants to see the limits. He wants to know where the ceiling is. He wants it. And if we step back and give them whatever they want, the kids rule and run the show. And in too many of our households, the kids are calling the shots. You see, God is a God of order and we as parents must be parents of order. We must discipline our children.
I define discipline as setting boundaries that produce growth. And, men, I want to give you some helpful hints on discipline. I have related this to the word picture of a football field. That is something we can all relate to. When in doubt, use sports. Right? First, line off the field. When the Cowboys or a Pop Warner team takes the field, the field is lined off. Either it is painted or it is chalked. And everyone knows what it means to step out of bounds and what it means to cross the goal line. Set those perimeters. Make sure they are very clear and obvious to every child that you are bringing up. Number two. Read them the rules. Say, if you step out of bounds, here are the consequences. Or I am going to throw the flag on this one. Or it will be time out. Or restrictions will apply. What would happen next weekend if Emmett Smith is running and he steps out of bounds but comes back in and the ref tells him not to worry about it as he goes by. You are Emmett Smith, all pro, I know you didn’t mean it. OK, touchdown, Cowboys. It is tempting for parents because our kids are part of us to say, I know you didn’t mean to step out of bounds. It’s OK. Parents, we have got to stop and say, remember the rules, remember the guidelines? I have got to be honest, if you are out of bounds, you are out of bounds, if you clip, you clip. There will be consequences, there will be penalties.
There are too many are etch-a-sketch parents. You draw a line with one knob, you don’t like the line, you shake it up and the line disappears. We draw a line and say that is the line, but when our children step out of bounds nothing happens. The lines keep changing. Fourthly, present a unified front in the disciplinary process. Don’t you hate it when you are watching football and the refs are arguing, when they are not in agreement. We have got to agree together to present a unified front.
Friday is my day off. Friday afternoon I was keeping three of our children, the twins and EJ. We were in the garage playing with all the toys and EJ said that he was hungry. He has really poor eating habits. I don’t know why, growing up in the home of a health nut, but he does. I told EJ that he couldn’t eat right then because in about an hour we would be having dinner. He said, “OK.” He leaves and is gone for about five minutes. It gets kind of quiet. He walks up to me and he is holding a Kudos granola chocolate chip candy bar and he said, “Daddy, can I have this.” I said, “EJ, I have just told you, put the candy bar back. You cannot have it. If you eat it Daddy will discipline you.” He leaves and now ten minutes roll by. I am thinking, “Surely, not.!” I start to walk into the kitchen and while crossing the living room I discover the wrapper for a Kudos chocolate chip candy bar. I get to the kitchen and there is EJ, with chocolate drool coming from the corners of his mouth. He gave an exaggerated swallow which was so funny to see, I started to laugh. I said, “EJ, you ate that candy bar.” He just looked at me. I said, “EJ, you ate that candy bar.” He wouldn’t say either yes or no. I said, “EJ, did you eat this candy bar. Open your mouth. Did you eat this candy bar? Yes or no. He said, “Yes or no.” I said, “EJ, wait a minute. Did you eat this candy bar, yes or no?” Then he started walking over to the steps where he has time out and he sat down. He finally admitted that he had eaten the candy bar. So, EJ had to suffer the consequences of being disciplined. Now after I disciplined him, and I must say I was very tempted to back off because he was so cute, we had an excellent time of communication. This happens so often. You see, I want my children to grow up and to call me blessed.
And that is my prayer, men, precisely for you, that your children will rise up and call you blessed. So Dads, stay away from this parent trap. Let me quote from Maltbie Davenport Babcock, “Be strong! We are not here to play, to dream, to drift. We have hard work to do and loads to lift. Shun not the struggle, face it, ’tis God’s gift. Be strong! Say not, ‘The days are evil. Who’s to blame?’ And fold the hands and acquiesce – oh shame! Stand up, speak out and bravely, in God’s name. Be strong! It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong, how hard the battle goes, the day how long. Faint not, fight on! Tomorrow, men, comes the song.”