Description
PARENTAL ELEPHANTS
Hosed
January 24, 2009
Brad White
That’s God telling you that. Discipline your children while there is hope otherwise you will ruin their lives. You say, but Brad is that loving to do that? The Bible says, Hebrews chapter 12, “…..and have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said my child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline and don’t give up when he corrects you for the Lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” Here’s why we’re going to tackle this tonight ‑‑ and some of you, you’re going to get offended. I don’t set that as my goal to offend you but you’re going to get offended because we’re going to draw some clear lines tonight. And we live in a world that doesn’t like clear lines. We like blurriness. We don’t like clear rights and clear wrongs. Some of this may offend some of you. And that’s okay. I don’t want to do that but it may. Here’s the reality, there are major battles in homes in this room for who is in charge of the home. Major battles. Kids are natural born takeover artists. They are natural born CEO’s. They love to rule ‑‑ I’m telling you, when they’re that long, they’re pink, they’re cuddly and they poop all the time. That’s what they want to do is take over. They want you at their every command from the time they’re out of the womb. They want you at their every command when they’re four years old. They want you at their every command when they’re 14 years old. They want you at their every command when they’re 25 years old. They want you at their every command when they’re 45 years old. It is a natural born desire to be the chief executive officer of the home. There is a major battle. There is a major battle in the White house. My last name is White. I’m not talking about the one in Washington. I’m talking about my house. There is a major battle for who is in charge, huge. Because my three kids, they think they know more than me. Every day they get older my intelligence gets less. Now I love my kids but there is a major battle for that. And here’s the thing parents, we must win this battle and we must win it decisively. Let me say it again, we must win this battle. This is not politically correct. Politically correct says well you negotiate. No, you don’t negotiate. Say this with me, I’m the boss. You sound good, say it again. I’m the boss. One more time, I’m the boss. That’s it. We must win this battle and win it decisively. I’m not saying we abuse. That’s wrong. I’m saying we love them. I don’t deeply love my children if I’m not willing to discipline them and teach them right from wrong. It’s the truth.
Now I have this hose up here, this fire hose. If you see one of these at your home, that is usually not a good thing. I have a fire hose. You see fire hoses; they project a lot of water. Elephants are nasty creatures. Whenever they walk there is a lot of dirt that gets on them. Elephants get dirty. And sometimes when we see this elephant in our home we don’t really want to face the elephant to make them leave because we fear that elephant sometimes. And the elephant may stomp our guts out, we think. But the elephant is dirty and there is some dirt getting on our furniture and it is coming off their back. So what we do is we hose them a little bit. And we wash off the dirt a little bit. And see what hosing the elephant does is it just gets some dirt off but it doesn’t get the elephant out of the room. And I’m going to share with you why that’s true in just a minute. But see hosing this elephant is what I call the undisciplined parents.
There are different types of undisciplined parents. Let me give you a few of them. One is the operation rescue parent. This is the parent that rescues their kid from consequences. It hurts so badly and I’m with you, man. Listen, I lean into being an OR parent because I’m a pastor. I’m a shepherd of people. It is my natural bit to want to rescue. So I lean into sometimes wanting to rescue my kids. But you see, operation rescue parents, when they’re hosing off that elephant what they’re doing is they’re always in the process of sheltering their kids from consequences. Their kid forgets their lunch four days so they pack a lunch and take it to school to take care of them. They’re the parent that doesn’t want their kid to feel the brunt of the pain so they take the pain so their kid doesn’t endure the pain. The problem is you’re robbing them of reality. Here is what God says in Galatians 6:7, whatever a man sows he reaps. There are consequences to our actions. If our kids don’t learn the consequences, that’s not good.
Not only do we have operation rescue, we also have the chalk talk parents. See chalk talk parents, they get a stick of chalk out and they say okay junior, here is the line. The line is this. If you cross that line, you set whatever that is, you curse your mother again ‑‑ I know you’re only in K‑5 but you do that again, and it’s not going to be good. You’re going to get a spanking. Then junior does it and if you’re like me, you’re tired or you’re in a hurry. You think you know what, I know I shouldn’t do this but I’m going to let it slide this time. Junior, don’t do it again.
How many parents have ever done that? Do you know what we’ve done? We erased the line. The line is there. The line is gone. The line is over there, the line is gone. And kids crave the lines. Kids want to know what the boundaries of my life are. They may not like you telling them that, but deep down in their heart they desire it. It is just like you driving on the road. Wouldn’t it drive you crazy not to know where the lanes start and end? It would make you nervous, wouldn’t it? Sure. The same is true with kids.
Not only do you have operation rescue, chalk talk but you have the split decision parents. One parent tells them you can’t do this. Kids are master conartists. It is God given. I mean, it is part of their nature. It is not God given, it is sin given. Excuse me. So they go to the other parent and they don’t say daddy said no or mommy said no. They say, do you mind if I go? Then maybe they say mommy or daddy doesn’t really want me to but they don’t really understand what I really want to do. Split decisions. Because we live in a day, there are a lot of divorced homes. There is a lot of that represented in this room. And my heart goes out to you. It is not easy. But you have parents competing for the kid’s love and affection out of guilt and you have split decisions happening all the time. The Bible says in **Amos 3:3, until there is agreement it can’t live. We have to value being on the same page. That doesn’t mean that in private we don’t hash things out. But in front of the kids, we’re a unified front. It is just like whenever I interview new staff. I say, let me share with you a strength of Life Point Church from the very beginning. Our team is unified. We’re loyal to each other. We defend each other. We help each other. If you were to line all of our staff side by side, we’re tight. You can’t see any light in between because here’s the truth about divisive people. Divisive people look for slivers of light and they go to the slivers of light to divide. And what you know, and one reason this is a happy church, it’s a fun church, it’s a unified church, and it is an aggressively growing church is because the leadership is unified. If they’re not unified with me, they’re gone. That’s just the way it is. We’re unified. We’re unified. We’re going in the same direction. And you know that’s good. There is a security in that. There is warmth in that. The same is true in your home. If there is light in between you and your spouse or you and their other parent, if there is light they will go to the light. They will go to the light and create a fight.
You have operation rescue. You have chalk talk. You have split decision parents. Number four, you have pit bull parents. See pit bull parents are parents of rage. I mean, they can go from super chill to super kill in a second and a half. It is like a pit bull, when they grip, when they start getting angry, they don’t stop until they pull that person apart.
Now all of these that I have given you are examples of just hosing the elephant. The elephant doesn’t leave. You know why the elephant doesn’t leave when you hose it? Because elephants cool themselves down and get comfortable one of two ways, with water or with dust. So when you’re hosing your child, when I’m hosing my kids, I’m making them comfortable. See here’s the thing, our issue is not that we should be stressed. The issue is, they need to be stressed. Listen to me, this is empowering. This ought to infuse you with a parental B12 shot right here. The issue is not that you need to be embarrassed in a restaurant; the issue is that you need to embarrass them in a restaurant. I’m serious. The issue is not you ought to be taking the pain; the issue is you ought to be inflicting the pain. You say Brad, that’s cruel. Listen, if I’m the one that is always uncomfortable as the parent and they’re not uncomfortable, that’s not good. I aim to be comfortable and they are to be uncomfortable until they learn how I want them to be comfortable. And when they want to be comfortable how I want them to be comfortable then they move into being comfortable with me. Are you with me on that?
You say okay, what’s the expectation? Here is the goal. Discipline is correction driven by love. What’s the expectation? Here it is. You can parents are going to be like, fat chance. Here it is. The first time, cheerful obedience. Say that with me, first time cheerful obedience. Let’s say it again, first time cheerful obedience. Let’s illustrate this. Junior, I want you to go pick up your room. Now if they go and pick up they’re room and they’re mad, that’s rebellion. I don’t care if they clean their room where it looks like Martha Stewart did it, that’s rebellion. Obedience is doing the right thing with the right attitude. That’s obedience. When you tell Junior, go clean your room. Junior isn’t supposed to be like, wow, thank you. That’s irrational. That’s not realistic. Junior is to be like, yes, ma’am. Not pouting, not stomping, not slamming the door, not kicking and screaming. They are to go and clean up their room the first time. Not, if I have to tell you for the eighth time. If there is eight times ‑‑ if there is I have told you for three days in a row to go and get this done ‑‑ that elephant is going, thank you very much. He loves it. Brad, how in the world does that happen? Colossians 3:20, “Children, always obey your parents.” It doesn’t say children, when you feel like it ‑‑ children, when you agree with your parents ‑‑ children, when you think your parents are cool and hip ‑‑ children, when you understand. Children, obey your parents. “Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord.” Here is the reality of life and you know it is true; you have to follow orders with a good attitude at work even in things you don’t understand. Your boss says we’re going to work on Christmas Day. Let me give you a better example. My brother-in-law has been self-employed for years. He had his own business but he said you know what, I would rather have the security of working for somebody else. So he went to work for this company selling tires.
He goes and sells tires all over the states of Alabama and Georgia. He has a huge territory. When he worked for himself he always had the liberty to do what he wanted. Well their biggest inventory day is the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday. We’re all up there for the holidays. We’re hanging out together. Thanksgiving night he is going to load up his suburban, he and his family, to go home. My in-laws are like, why do you have to go? He is like, because I have to work tomorrow. But it’s the holidays. I know, my boss said that tomorrow is the biggest day. It is the slowest day of the year so it is the day we’re going to do inventory. It is a requirement for everybody to be there. Now do you think he wanted to do that? Do you think he understood, why in the world on a holiday would you have people come in and work when most of America is not working? Why would you do that? He doesn’t have to understand. And you know that’s true. Those of you who are employed you know that’s true. Some of you, you’re the leader at the company and you require things of your employees that many of them don’t understand. You understand. You know what’s best for the company. You know what they don’t know but you require them to do things that they don’t understand. Understanding is not a prerequisite for obedience. Understanding is only available after obedience, not prior to. Obey me first, and then we’ll talk. But dad listen ‑‑ obey me first then we’ll talk about it.
All right, let’s talk about how to do this. Three things then we’re going to go eat. Number one, here is how you and I discipline with love. Number one, clarity. Our kids need to know clearly what we expect of them. Now some kids pick up things quicker than others. You may tell Junior to go clean his room and he understands it without you even explaining what you mean by clean your room. Trixi, your daughter, you tell her to clean her room, she thinks that means go in there and throw the pillows on top of the bed. So you have to go in there and explain, here’s what I mean. I want you to make your bed. I want you to put your shoes up in the closet. Clarity, here’s what I expect of you. What are the lines? What are the expectations? What do I want you to do? What is the clarity? That’s number one. You can only enforce with integrity what you’ve made clear. That is huge. Number two, not only do you have to have clarity but there must be consequences. If you say here’s the line and at the most inopportune time, the most inconvenient time they cross the line, as parents, we must respond promptly and painfully. Promptly ‑‑ listen, it’s a disservice to your kids ‑‑ two days from now we’re going to talk about this. Promptly and painfully. There must be pain in the consequence. There must be loss in the consequence. There must be something where if they push up against that line again they cringe. It may be taking their keys. It may be spanking them. It may be not allowing them to go out with their friends. You know what those things are. Every kid is different. We must respond promptly and painfully.
That’s hard. Listen, that is so hard for me as a dad. I don’t want to be painful. I don’t want to do that. I want to give to them. I want to do more for them. What I have to realize is I’m doing a whole lot for them when I respond promptly and painfully. Clarity, consequences. Not only must it be prompt and painful, but there must be clear instructions. What did you do wrong? Kids that understand what they did wrong is huge. Your kid crosses the line, you go and discipline them and say listen, I’m going to remove X from your life. And they’re like fine, do it. It’s not working. It’s not working. If you discipline your child and then you say, I want to give you a hug and they’re like okay, it’s not painful enough. What you’re looking for as a parent is a bent knee. What you’re looking for as a parent is, I’m so sorry that I broke your heart. I’m sorry.
I remember one time as a kid and I don’t remember what it was but I smarted off to my parents or I punched a hole in the wall. I don’t remember. And my dad spanked me. I was probably ten or 11 years old. We were going out of town and I was furious. We went to get in that car, I’m sitting in the back with the big thick velour seats and he said come up here and give daddy a hug. I’m like no. Back inside and laid me on the bed and wore my butt out again. This time I’m mad but not quite as mad. We get in the car and he was like come here, I want to give you a hug. I was like, no. He was like, back inside we go. Back inside, I got it again. Got back out to the car and he said come give your daddy a hug. I kissed him like a newlywed. Listen, here’s the deal. You say that’s abuse. That’s not abuse. I’m crazy about my dad. I love my dad. I’m thankful for my dad because do you know what I had to learn about life? Life is painful for people who pout. Life is lonely for people who pout. Life is rewarding for people who can respond to correction with character. Can I get a big amen out there? It’s the truth. When we discipline our kids, they need to understand what they did wrong and they need to say it, not you did X. They need to say it. What did you do wrong? I totally disobeyed what you told me to do. Whatever it is, I did these things. I cut down your rose bushes. Whatever it is. Here’s the next question, what can you do better next time? What did you learn from this? It is not just to inflict pain. It is that they learn. That you are helping shape them and guide them in their life.
So clarity, consequences that are prompt and painful, clear instruction, number three, consistency. Clarity, consequences, and consistency. That is huge. Consistent to the line. Consistent rewarding, consistent disciplining creates kids that are secure. Kids that understand. Kids that live within boundaries and make good citizens because they learn there are fences and where there are fences there are consequences. That is huge. Not only do we consistently reward, consistently hold to your word. Your word is huge.
Your kids are to respect your word. If you say X will happen it needs to. Just like when you say I will be at your practice or I will be at your game, hell should freeze over before you miss that. I mean, your word is your bond with your kids. That’s huge. Consistent reconciliation. Listen to me; I know I have probably offended people talking about being firm with discipline. I hope you know my heart. I want my kids to be the best they can be and I wanted that for your kids, too. We love kids here. But just as we are to be consistent and prompt and painful, we are to be consistent in forgiveness and reconciliation. When my dad ‑‑ remember the story I told you about going back inside 3 times? When I got it right my dad said I want you to know how much I love you. And I know this has been painful but you’re my boy and I love you with all my heart. And I want you to be the man that God has made you to be and I want to help you get there. I love you and I know you don’t understand this at ten years of age but there will be a day when you look in the eyes of your son ‑‑ and boy was he right ‑‑ and you will thank me for it. And he held me. My parents never disciplined me when immediately they didn’t hold me close and tell me, I love you. You’re our boy. This is over. See forgiveness is when we no longer hold it against them. It doesn’t mean that everything is free but it means you just don’t keep going back and revisiting it over and over. It’s over.
You know that’s what Jesus did. Jesus consistently pursued reconciliation. We pursue them. They don’t say please discipline me. We pursue that. We’re also to pursue the reconciliation. Think about Jesus. Peter, one of the disciples that Jesus loved and mentored and taught. He betrayed Jesus on the night before Jesus was crucified. He cursed Jesus. He goes back out, out of guilt, and he runs. It’s the same reason some of our kids are running, they’re running out of guilt. Jesus pursued him. Jesus went out to the Sea of Galilee and said Peter, come back inside here. I want you to eat some fish and bread with me. We’re going to talk about it. And Jesus forgave him. Jesus reconciled the relationship. Jesus gave him a second chance. And Peter single handedly touched millions of people with the message of Jesus Christ ‑‑ hundreds of millions of people, with the message of Jesus Christ. Who knows what your kid can become? Maybe really you have half the equation right. Maybe you had the firmness and you had the lines clear but the reconciliation, you didn’t. And maybe what you need to do is pursue them. If they’re fifty, pursue them and reconcile that. Maybe you have been good at forgiving but not good at the lines. The good news is, none of us are perfect and we can all learn from right now and grow together. And like I said before, I want what’s best for you. You say Brad, you know, I grew up in a home and I really didn’t have a role model in this and I have made some mistakes and I want to learn from it.
Maybe some of you are single parents and you’re like Brad, I’m pulling my hair out. I’m a single mom and I have a strong willed son that is driving me crazy. I love him with all of my heart but he’s driving me crazy. His dad is not involved in his life and I feel like I’m all by myself. Some of you are widows. Your spouse has died and you still have kids at home. I have this verse for you, I love it. Psalm 68:5‑6, this is talking about what God will be for us. “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows‑this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But he makes the rebellious live in a sun- scorched land.” Here is the good news, wherever you are God will meet you there as a parent and help you be everything you can be. Isn’t that good news? Let’s pray together.